The "unrated" director's cut of Max Payne hit DVD last week, filled with life lessons about how supersoldier drugs will turn you into a lesbian. Still trying to figure out the downside.

The whole thing is still freakishly work-safe, but at least we get to see Speedy from Heroes in a cute dress wolfing down the Valkyr drugs that all the cool kids are doing.

Oh, c'mon, you really want to know the plot of Max Payne, the movie that's all swooshy colors and a plot that is probably best understood while under the influence of blue liquid that makes you see Viking gods of war? Well, it goes like this. Marky Mark is a really sad but really awesome cop who is trying to avenge the death of his family. Along the way, he uncovers an ultra-weird government plot to create supersoldiers with a drug called Valkyr (named after Valkyries GET IT?).


Turns out this supersoldier drug is like every other one in every other story that has ever had supersoldier drugs. Which is to say it turns people into batshit crazies who hallucinate and kill randomly. Seriously, has there EVER been a supersoldier drug that turned out well in scifi? The twist in Max Payne is that you don't entirely know if it's the drug that's causing people to hallucinate giant bird people, or if there really are giant bird people in the city who you can't see unless you drink the blue drug. I'm pretty sure by the end that it's just a hallucination, but by then you'll be falling off your couch in drooling apathy so why bother guessing?

Really the movie's only mystery is why the supersoldier drug has become a popular party drug for lesbians.

Max Payne [via IMDB]