Shit is finally happening on "Don't Worry, You Didn't Miss Anything Upon A Time." FINALLY. OH also — who wants to hear Marilyn Manson playing the epic role of "shadow?" Spoilers ahead!

The big reveal this week: Peter Pan is Rumpelstiltskin's DAD. Which I think we all saw coming, or at least suspected. I thought he was going to be Rump's brother, but this twist was definitely much more satisfying. Peter Pan is the best thing about this season. While he is truly crap at setting up obstacles to hinder Charming and Friends, he is very good at just about everything else. So it stands to reason that the biggest threat from season one, Rumps, would be born of an even bigger (and more ruthless) antagonist.


In this episode, we just witnessed Peter Pan convincing a child — A MORON OF A CHILD but a child nevertheless — to rip out his own glowing heart and give it to him. His own great grandson, because he's a prick. That's great stuff. While the actual act of watching Henry rip out his own heart was laughable, the sentiment was not lost on this bored soul.

The plot is finally churning in Neverland. Shit is hitting the fan. Actual things are happening. And real motives (not bullshit secrets) are being revealed, and death is at stake. I couldn't tell you why the imbecilic Henry decided to rip his own heart out against the expressed wishes of his Birth Mother, Adopted Mother and Sperm Donor — but then again, Henry really never made that many great decisions to start off with. So maybe that's in character? If he was my kid, I would beat him with a wooden spoon. I was only punished physically twice in my youth, once for stealing and lying about it (spanking) and another for hitting my sister in the face with a very large stick, very very hard (spanking). I never did those things again. Not sure what the punishment for disobeying all three of your parents and ripping out your own heart to give it to a stranger that your parents WARNED you in a magic mirror to stay away from is, but I feel like it should be a bit more severe than he's used to. This kid is a moron. Like a "walk into the middle of the street in heavy traffic" moron. Maybe he needs to die. I don't know. I hope he doesn't, 'cause he's a child — but at the same time, maybe he doesn't possess the necessary commonsense skills to live a healthy life. "Henry the stove is hot, do not put your face on it. NO HENRY I SAID IT'S HOT."

But that's OK because you know who else has questionable decision-making skills? Wendy. She left her family to journey to a nightmare island to make sure some street rat she found had a family? Oh, these kids. Anyone else get the rando tension between these two? Will Wendy get aged up when she returns to Earth, to match her brothers? Then maybe she and Neal can date? Or is that gross? I don't know the rules, people!

Moving on... Sorry I'm harping on Henry, but he was as dumb as a bag of hammers in this episode. But that's OK, because the rest of it was glorious. Yes, even with the nonsensical on-and-off accents from Baby Rumps and his Papa.


We didn't really learn anything new about either person (besides that huge reveal) but there was some excellent character-building happening here. Especially because Rumps' Dad is such a sleaze. He dumps Baby Rumps at a random house, lies about what he's up to, and spends the rest of this time gambling and drinking because being a Dad is hard.

But Baby Rumps doesn't give up (because back in the day he had faith in people) — he finds his Papa and together they try to start over in Neverland. Sadly, Neverland is only for children, and he trades his son for his youth — and WHAMMO, becomes Peter Pan. Not sure why Rumps couldn't stay on as a Lost Boy, but perhaps it really had to do with the whole "children can't have children" line. It was brutal to watch, and explained a lot. This was also how we found out that the shadows can talk and they are apparently voiced by Marilyn Manson. Sure, OK, I thought it worked.


But it was even better when Adult Rumps met face-to-face with his fuck of a father in kid form — mostly because it was the first time we got to see Peter Pan make a threat, and then actually carry it out! Now Rumps is stuck in Pandora's Box for eternity. What a crap father! Love it. Then Henry rips his own heart out (LOL) but not before Emma can practice some more magic and Charming and Snow White can patch stuff up just barely.

So is Henry dead? We can only hope, but probably not because this is a kids' show. Isn't it? Meanwhile, here are some random thoughts:

  • Rump's Papa giggles like Adult Rumps. I guess he inherited that.
  • Marilyn Manson as a Shadow makes that weird millennial ghost-FX half-Predator gurgle. Weird.
  • I think Hook is going to kill himself to save either Charming or Henry. Just call it a hunch.
  • Peter Pan is going to be a very good actor someday and we will all be saying we knew him when.