Holy Hog Tits — last night's True Blood felt like a some crazy first season shit. There was V-Juice tripping, vampire fantasies, new sex games and big fat vampire mistakes. It was really, truly awesome. If this is the new direction for True Blood, I am on board. Now let's dissect the awesomeness, Pro/Con style.
Pro: TOLD YOU. Actually, to be entirely fair, MAYBE some of you told me first, but I didn't pick up on it until last episode. Which, to YOUR credit, means you're a lot smarter than me.
So, now we know that Ben is Warlow and Warlow is Ben and so on and so forth. So what now? Well obviously Sookie has to have sex with it, then we'll know. This is True Blood law.
Pro: Nora is taken by the LAVTF? Thank god someone had the sense to say WTF is the LAVTF, it's not like she was around for the press release.
Con: So that's one vampire (Nora) taken into vampire prison. Methinks a trend is about to start.
Con: Hey Alcide! Oh... you're still acting like this. Clearly Alcide's blood lust and power trip have not been quenched. Our former chest candy and moral crutch is now the bumbling idiot who ruins the plot for everyone. Somehow Alcide decides that Sam and this new character (Denise from Full House) are in on the were-napping scheme together. So they should both die. Sigh.
Pro: Lala scoops up the Western-wear fanatic in his fabulous vintage car. I mean it's not the Eric's-bribe car, but it's still awesome. Remember the little red vampire Corvette? Good times.
Pro: Back at Ginger's, our hopeful fangbanger is still stalling the Governor. Note: I love that Ginger's house is absolutely covered with vampire shit. From the cute to the cool. I think I spied a copy of Bite Me: A Love Story by Christopher Moore, which is a very funny vampire book. Specifically the part about vampire circumcision. Along with an Eric fan poster and a cheesy Dracula welcome head. Having a poster of your own boss on the wall: classic Ginger.
Con: Tara runs away with the Governor's daughter, so the group could separate or something, I don't know. Wouldn't it have been easier for Eric to just say, "We're splitting up. You go that way, etc, etc." Ah okay, whatever, nitpick.
Con: "Meanwhile in Afghanistan…" apparently we just can't let Terry's storyline from last season die. There's no one desperately clinging to the hope that this is resolved right? Yes, I feel for Terry. But enough. The fairy teens, however, are wonderful.
Pro: Andy's Fairy girls are super easy to raise. Hey all you pre-teens, sleep in this bed together. Ok Daddy, love you. This is not how that works. I know, I babysat once.
Pro: Old School Jason doing old school Jason-On-V-Juice things. Love it. It's been ages since we've had this kind of fun. Remember, v-juice is fun! And it's for sex and hallucinatory enjoyment! Not for board room meetings and boning a disappointing Salome.
Con: Sookie's inner Nancy Drew is sparked by her brother's v-juice behavior. Which means, oh dear me, not this magic-blood shit again.
Pro: Sookie's "hmmmm clues" face, coupled with gold-hued fairy flashbacks. Who are these flashbacks for? I mean we WATCHED Ben turn into a vampire and bite his own arm. WE don't need gold-hued flashbacks, because we just saw that no more than 10 minutes ago.
Pro: Back in teen fairy land, Andy's girls are all grown up and have a recently discovered taste for beer. So off to the beer depository they go. How is it that these fairy ladies know things like how to drive or where beer is? Ah who cares, look at this little fairy's ADULT walk. Aaaaah so cute.
Pro: Just your normal gas attendant.
Pro: In just a few seconds, Vampire Jessica has expertly performed the elaborate dance of humiliation that I like to call, "Every Time Meredith Hangs Out With Her 22-Year-Cousin."
It was hard to watch a second time, just to make a clip of it. God Dammit, Deborah Ann Woll is a good actress. Also, snaps to the person who penned this because, yeah — right on the money…. Oh they don't say *snaps* anymore? Ok… I'll just… show myself out.
Pro: SHUT UP A VAMPIRE BLOOD SEX FANTASY SCENE! It's been so long, we missed you original True Blood funtimes!
Pro: TO THIS MUSIC. It feels like old times guys, doesn't it?
Con: Bill's terrible, horrible office is back. Look at my nightmare collection of elaborate, old shit and arts with tasteful breasts on them… so you know I'm intelligent and rich.
Pro: Saying things like "I think history is really sexy" so you too will also seem sexy. Been there, fairy sweetie. But swap out "history" with "Eve 6" and replace Vampire Bill with a lead singer from one of those terrible 90s bands where all the guys wore white belts and eyeliner. And not the good eyeliner. Either way, totally get what you're spinning, lady.
Trust me, run away. Please just run away from this bad, vampire man. Right now. He is not as cool as you think he is because you are a stupid, stupid kid. RUN. RUN. RUN RIGHT NOW.
Pro: Vampire Bill presents us with a vampire sex toy. Full Disclosure, I had absolutely no idea what the hell he was talking about when Vampire Bill was telling the little fairy "sometimes its fun just to watch." But then he put the double vial bracelet on the fairy's arm and her blood was suctioned into the tubes. Which made me exclaim, "Ooooooh watch the blood leave the body… cause that's sexy for vampires… Oooh OK." To which my cat responded, "You're a fucking moron."
But hey, cool new jewelry thing HBO can market, that I'm totally not going to buy at Comic-Con and wear around, all the time, and maybe later in bed.
Con: Vampire Bill goes downstairs where he's keeping the True Blood scientist and acts like an insufferable prick, speaking in Japanese to his English-speaking captive. Even the scientist is glaring at Vampire Bill thinking, "that's quite enough, you insufferable douche."
Pro: Eric meets the Governor's daughter in a dark Carousel because OF COURSE THAT'S WHERE THEY WOULD MEET.
Pro: Lots of sexy talking between these two. Perhaps it's because Sookie is a little "over it'" with the vampire sexing and this chick is brand new, so everything is mysterious and scary which is inherently a lot more fun to watch.
Pro: I forgot what it was like watching Eric have a genuine conversation. Le sigh, le pant, le sigh.
Pro: Another pro to this whole gothic fairytale maker scene. Did True Blood just figure out how to channel smoke and fairy tales, violins and long pajamas with a modern day twist? Because this shit is hot. Like, first season hot. Why does Eric need to take off his shirt?
Pro: Calling it, the second she gets out of the ground, the Governor kills her. Pro: Eric opens his throat with the cross from her neck because even though this was a very nice gothic fairytale, this is still HBO's True Blood and we do shit weird and overly symbolic, or WE DO NOT DO IT AT ALL. Still liked it.
Con: Blah blah blah Denise is going to become a werewolf. I know, I know werewolfies are genetic in True Blood town, but I just feel like she's going to get all feral from this. You know she is. Which means she's here to stay. Which, fine, I'm OK with that for now. As long as she drops this whole League of Their Own Vampires shit cause that is done and boring and we would like to pass on any and all future crappy Civil Rights metaphors. Thanks.
Pro: Lala's first aid kit is pink.
Pro: Lala turns the little girl's head around before she is, yet again, exposed to his shlong flash.
PRO: SAM FINALLY TURNS INTO A HORSE. FOR FUCK'S SAKE, IT'S ABOUT TIME.
Con: Jason and his Fairy Grandpa are talking about Warlow obviously being Ben and a Fairy/Vamp and…holy shit what is on that milk. Is that a speed pour? For milk shots? Who has milk that looks like this?
Are there other conversations going on? Because I'm just looking at this milk. What the fuck is that? A metal nipple, for robot babies? OH shit now Fairy Grandpa sees the milk too! He's almost touching it. PEOPLE WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MILK?
Con: No comment on the milk, plot moves forward.
Pro: Andy is flipping about his girls, "I don't think I can be a cop and this." Oh Andy, this will surely only end in heartbreak.
Pro: Bless whoever teased out Fairy Grandpa's hair before this scene. You are doing the Lord's work.
Pro: Ben has an accent? Oooooh this changes things.
Con: Ben/Warlow proceeds to drink Fairy Grandpa's blood and then spit it out over his shoulder into the tub. Just in case you thought this episode was a bit normal.
Con: Alcide is back to yell some more. Do you think somewhere Joe Manganiello is eating a bowl of frozen light whipped cream, telling himself it's ice cream, and crying over what has happened to his character this season? Who is this guy?
Pro: War drums blast whilst Sookie dons her beast weapons, these two breasts right hereyah. Extra points for checking herself out in the mirror and giving herself the old "Hell yes" nod.
Con: Eric sends the Governor's daughter back to her father. She is pissed, understandably. Poor thing, I would have assumed that sex with Eric would be guaranteed. We are all pissed, sweetheart. Pro: To the young Nathan Fillion-looking blood donor that appeared to feed the baby vampire for five seconds. An additional nod to Eric for giving him hazard pay, ha! Con: ARE PAM AND TARA TALKING ABOUT THE UNDERGROUND VAMPIRE RAILROAD ON THE RAILROAD? NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.
Con: PAM IS CAPTURED. Repeat with the many NOs.
Pro: Oooh twist, the Governor is sleeping with the Ex-Mrs. Newlin, who I assume is pregnant because of her demeanor and attitude. Oh, oh, OK calling this — Sara is going to kill the Governor's daughter so she can give birth to their "fresh start." Either way, this girl is too pure and too cute to not end up a pile of goo on the floor.
Con: As all good villains do, Warlow monologues for Fairy Grandpa. Not sure I understand what's going on.
Con: Sam and Denise start making out. Remember, the orphaned daughter of his day-old dead ex-girlfriend is still sleeping next door. Keep making good choices, Sam.
Con: Also, is no one addressing the fact that Denise is now going to become a werewolf? Have these people NOT seen any werewolf movie that exists?
Con: Ben shows up for Sookie's mysterious date night, and his accent is gone. Raise your hand if you liked Ben better with the accent.
Con: Sookie unravels a collection of tests Ben must pass to prove either that he's not Warlow, or that he is Warlow. Either way it's all just a metaphorical moat to Sookie's precious fairy vagina.
Pro: Jason & Andy back in the saddle and doing law stuff! While I'm still sad for Andy, I'm exceptionally happy to get this buddy-cop chemistry back. This feels like 6 seasons ago.
Pro: That was my best dirty Harry. An excellent Jason-ism.
Pro: Cut back to Bill's house, and OH SHIT JESSICA HAS KILLED ALL THE FAIRIES THAT IS TERRIBLE/AMAZING. Interest. Back. You're on True Blood.
Pro: Aaaaannd, of course this is how Sookie figures it all out. Ben is Warlow, thank you precious fairy vagina.
Hands down, the best episode of the season thus far. If this is what a new showrunner is all about, then I am in, in, in. The fun and flair is back in True Blood. Hog tits for everyone!
Additional gifs from Eric and Sookie Always.