After a week off, this week's True Blood really delivered. Everybody was sexy dancing, whether in Jason's mind or revved up on Eric's v-juice — plus we got to see how the rich vampires roll, in Dallas.

This was the first episode this season when we really got to start seeing how the other vampires live. Turns out not all fangers hang out in crappy Bon Temps all the time. Some of them live a life of luxury, and this week we got to see vampire airlines, travel coffins, room service and even vampire porn. So let's get started!

Advertisement

Pro: First up, oh it's these silly boys again, that just can't seem to stop making gay jokes at Jason's expense, because they're so straight and stuff. The totally hetero, only-into-chicks guy has just got to get it out of his system already. Tell Jason you love him, he'll understand. Also kudos to Jason on delivering a "what did five fingers say to the face" type joke.

Pro: Jason makes clip-on ties look good.

Pro: Our young lovers and new favorite characters from the last episode are interrupted. You guys called them an obvious Romeo and Juliet, and the show's move of forcibly separating the two only seems to confirm your suspicions. Also, big plus for Hoyt, addressing Bill as, "Vampire Bill."

Advertisement

Pro: Jessica goes on the defensive for her new found love and makes some pretty good points. Bill should feel like shit for making her. Question: in the end Jessica runs up to her room, wouldn't she run down to her coffin, or is this just wishful thinking on my part?

Con: Sookie telling Bill that hating yourself is a bad thing and that he needs to stop torturing himself or something. I cry mountains of BS on that statement, you two love yourselves more than anybody. You love each other so much, you left Jessica alone without telling her where you were or whether Sookie had died. And then the first thing you do when you get home is start dry humping each other on the front porch. Yeah you've got your priorities all in a row, and you're absolutely these self-abnegating characters who put everyone else first.

Advertisement

Con: Is Sam leaving or staying? Does anyone care? Will this show please make him do something, so I can have an opinion?

Pro: Truck stops that serve good food.

Con: But there's no time for water sports what's Maryann up to? Turns out Tara wants to leave the house of never ending pjs, pot and food because last night everyone got naked and started rubbing up against each other. Tara is torn up about this new discovery so she tells herself, "Act confused and make a terrified look," slowly you hear the wheels creak in her head, telling her mouth to make a frowny face. Look, acting! Clearly, she learned this trick from Eggs McPretendstoplayguitarpoorly (it's a family name).

Advertisement

Pro: Meanwhile back at God Hates Vamps camp, it's time for an enlightening discussion about vampire mythology. First off, well done on the mark of Cain reference. You're right on, non-important white guy. That actually is one of the many vampires origins myths, but what no mention of Lillith? But moving on there's too much good in this conversation to stop... Jason, you truly out did yourself by calling Jesus the first vampire (and interestingly enough he wasn't far off as in another origins myth points to Jesus' betrayer Judas as the original cursed one). Confuse those little stake huggers with your intellect. But more importantly than the actual talk is Jason's delivery. Can we get an "evil is making the premedicated choice to be a dick" on a t-shirt somewhere? If Anna Paquin deserved a Golden Globe last year, then this year it's all Ryan Kwanten (Jason). Especially after that Europe line. Plus, did you know that Kwanten is Australian? It's like his decent accent gets lost under the pile of terrible Southern accents surrounding him. And finally, if these guys hate each other so darn much why are they eating breakfast together? Just a thought.

Advertisement

Pro: The tiny Pastor and his weapon paired with driving gun gloves, oh religion you can make even the most exciting things uncool.


Con: Sookie regifts Tara an old picture that she probably already had. Lame. Make time for your friends, Sookie, and go out and buy them a gift, or make something. Don't just wrap the first thing you see lying around the house. Oh, I'm kidding — I know it's a picture of the dead grandma and the two of them as kids, so that must mean something, Sookie giving Tara a picture of her dead family member which looks like this...

Advertisement



HOLY CHRIST get those kids away from that goat-human monster. Thanks for pointing this out readers, good to know the digitized face of "young grandma" will haunt our dreams collectively.

Advertisement

Con: Then we journey off to Bon Temps' police station we're they are all still standing around looking at the dead lady without the heart. A cop pokes it with a stick and then says something sassy about respect. Honestly I stopped paying attention until Detective Andy Bellefleur came in, I just care so little for this monster who scratches people on the back. True Blood, you need to give us a little — not just more mystery. These side characters aren't interesting enough to keep us interested, and Bellefleur can't carry all of the scenes.

Pro: Bellefleur makes a whimpering Sarah Jessica Parker squeak and almost cries when he loses his badge.

Advertisement

Pro: Lafayette knowing the real reason Needy Mcneedy Pants Tara is over at his house. Does no one in this town care about Lafayette? Good on you, kicking her out. Stop telling the guy with a gunshot wound it's your birthday.

Con: Sookie and Sam fighting yawn-first-season-all-over-are-we-in-dallas-yet-yawn?

Advertisement

Pro: The Pastor has never killed a vampire, I wonder if he's even met one? Hmm side note to self.

Pro: Maryann showing up at Tara's pity party to throw her a birthday. I'm normally sick of this lady but this was quite clever. Well done, crazy lady.

Advertisement

Con: "I always cry on my birthday" Waaaaah waaaaah, Eggs and Tara explode into a giant ball of bad acting.

Pro: We all called it. Jason wants the Preacher's wife bad. So bad he makes her dance around in his tiny brain to super fun sexy country music. I admit, I was into it.

Advertisement

Pro: Tell me more about the Soldiers of The Son (sadly I think I'll have to wait until the next episode). But double plus also for the portions on the table. Man, I miss eating in the South.

Advertisement

Pro: Anubis Air. First off I delight in anything made over to be vampire friendly from the traveling coffins on down. Second, of course Sookie got tanked on the tiny bottles of liquor. She's got a job to do in Dallas, best to show up drunk, and put others first. Ah oh well at least she's a funny drunk: "Like booze for dolls." I enjoy the liquored up company of fun drunks so I can now add Sookie to my fantasy drinking league which so far includes Buffy and Ellen Tigh.

Con: No more Tara and Eggs anymore please, I have a feeling this spastic dance off will end with more Tara and Eggs, probably naked....and yep there it is. I thought I would be more excited for this moment. Nope.

Advertisement

Pro: You gotta love that Jessica decides to tell the guy she's glamoring that all his worst fears are coming true. Damn kids these days always up to no good, I like that you can count on her to act out the things you secretly want others to do.

Advertisement


Pro: Eric and Lafayette together again. It's interesting that the vampire who put Lafayette in this position is the only one who cares about him. Perhaps this was Eric's plan all along. Also, watching Lafayette freak out and hump the furniture after drinking Eric's super powerful blood was delightful. Our boy is back, people — get excited.

Pro: "I hope you'll enjoy your blood substitute which is costing me $45," banter between Eric and Bill is, yet again, priceless. Good for you, Bill — stick it to the boss, and please more of these two together.

Advertisement

Pro: Here's hoping the Texan vampires DON'T get Goddrick back and we can see some of this open aggression against humans.

Advertisement

Con: Daphne knows what Sam is, so do we but we don't know what she is. Does anybody care who she is? If you had to know the answer to one mystery — who is the pig, what is Maryann, who is the minotaur — I'm pretty sure Daphne would be low on my list.

Advertisement

Pro: Ok the Carmilla Hotel is fantastic. It's named after a vampire legend, you can order people to eat, Fangbanger porn, and the bell hop has Sookie powers. Please make this a reality at Comic Con, so I can partake.

And if that's not possible can we please have a driving and shooting vampire theme park ride?

Advertisement

Until next week, where Ed Quinn shows up and has a sexy-off with Eric. Who will win? My money is on the Quinn, it's always on the Quinn.

Advertisement

Share This Story

Get our newsletter