So here's the deal: Abraxas (played by Jesse "The Body" Ventura) is the star of early-1990s masterpiece Abraxas. He's a "Finder," a special space cop who lives for hundreds of years and has been treated with "ozone layering" and some other weird crap to make him ultra-strong and mega-whatever. He's tracking a rogue Finder who has gone to Earth, impregnated a human, and sired the creature who will "compute the anti-life equation" and destroy a bunch of stuff. There's oh so much more, like James Belushi as the principal of the school with the anti-life equation kid, and lots of chase scenes set to Kenny G-esque music (like this clip, above, where Jesse chases the bad guy at an alarmingly leisurely pace). Whose idea was it to set a chase-and-punch scene against this music?

Feeling confused? Here you'll find out more from some bureaucrats who are discussing the whole important backstory with Abraxis. I love when Abraxis tells them they are "overdramatizing" when they get upset about millions of people dying. Is this movie a comedy? Hard to say. [Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe]

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