The novelization of Transformers: The Dark of the Moon is out, and someone over at Comic Book Movie has read the entire thing. (Their writeup includes the epic phrase, "And here's where things get really stupid.")

In a nutshell, there's good news and there's bad news. Read ahead for a sampling of what to expect from T:TDotM. And yes, there are major spoilers ahead...


A brief disclaimer is in order, of course. We haven't actually read the book ourselves, so we're relying on someone else's synopsis — and we're just taking this guy's word for it that he's actually read the book. Also, some details of a movie's storyline tend to change between the early script that the novelization is based on and the final shooting script.

Bad news: At least according to the book version, the Twins — those racist caricatures — are in the film.


Good news: The Twins get melted into slag pretty quickly, with some kind of "corrosive acid gun."

Bad news: The basic outline actually sounds quite similar to Transformers 2, including the big Cosmic Widget that will destroy Earth, and the fact that Sam Witwicky is off on his own for a lot of the story. (And Sam is the only one who knows a key plot thing.) And Megatron is once again playing second fiddle to another, older Transformer.


Good news: There is a plot this time around, and it more or less makes sense. It feels like there are fewer random digressions, and Sam's character gets developed a bit more. Sam gets to be actually resourceful, and he outwits the Decepticons a couple times. Plus Sam actually kills one of the Decepticons single-handed.

Bad news: Sam's new girlfriend is even more annoying than his old girlfriend. At one point, Carly gets mad at Sam because he just wants to save the world one more time. Sam is hung up on recapturing his old glory days, he's not getting on with his life. Because wanting to save the world is so selfish of him. Or something.


Good news: Carly does get an awesome moment where she smack-talks Megatron about how he's the main bad guy's bitch, until he switches sides.

Bad news: Once again, the U.S. government is being wrongheaded and doofusistic. Remember how in the second movie, the weak-kneed gummint wanted to ask all the Autobots to leave the planet? This time around, the stupid gummint decides that the Autobots can't possibly win, so the only answer is to hand the Earth over to the Decepticons and let them take all our precious natural resources. Once again, they ask the Autobots to leave town.


Good news: It sounds like the Decepticons' trashing of Chicago will genuinely be epic and amazing to watch.

Read the entire super-spoilery summary over at the link. [Comic Book Movie]