In Once Upon A Time's land of blind Ogres, everyone hates Emma

Well at least we now know where Henry gets his horrible from: his Mother! Last night's episode was just a giant disaster for Emma — and kind of hard to watch. Meanwhile, a Hatter got a hug, and Henry grew the strength of three circus bears. It's Once Upon A Time: leave your brain at the door. Spoilers ahead...

So last week's episode was a long, exasperating meh. This week:


I'm cool with Ogres and swords and magiks — but I did not sign up for 20 minutes of Emma acting like a grounded 15-year-old. Jeebus. So Snow wakes up and sees Cora in the prison with her daughter. She flips, and pulls a sword on her. Emma's reaction? Whisper-yelling, "LET'S HEAR HER OUT." Great idea, Emma. You've been in the Enchanted Forrest for five seconds and I'm giving it 10 until you're dead. Thank the blue fairy's old lucite heels, Snow has her head on straight.

The pouting continues as Snow and Emma are released from their prison, thanks to Lancelot. Apparently Lance is Snow's old buddy. After a bit of bread and cheese, Snow tells Lance that she and her daughter need to go find the old enchanted tree, so they can get home. "You may go and do stuff," Lance bellows. "I only ask that you take my bravest warrior with you."

"EAT SHIT," Emma screams, then swiftly jams her fingers into the dirt and starts rubbing mud across her and face wailing, "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME." Or something similar to that.

But wait — we're not done yet with Emma's terribleness. Snow and Mulan head to the armory to procure some weapons for their journey. Mulan and Snow have a serious conversation about the dangers that await them in the wilderness. Which Emma interrupts by making a fart sound into her hands, pointing to her chest and saying, "GUN." Then later, she explains that she killed a dragon last week, NBD. Does everyone else want Emma to die now? I do.


And finally the last in the horrible streak of Emma acting like a spoiled child in the supermarket checkout line ends spectacularly: Snow tells Emma, "Ogres are blind. They hunt by sound alone." Cut to Emma, five minutes later, shooting off her a gun in the middle of the Ogre-filled forrest. Just into the air. As a warning shot. Wasting a bullet in the land of no bullets. And alerting every single one of the creatures to their position.


Why did all of this happen? Because Emma is really mad about being abandoned as a baby. And you see, she just found out that Snow is her Mom. Then they portaled to an entirely new world where smoke monsters eat people's souls and Ogres exist. This is the perfect time to throw a tantrum and get everyone killed. Perfect. I don't care how many tears were shed when Emma realized she was being a garbage human being because "no one ever put her first" — and now she can't deal with Snow putting her first. It made me love Snow more, but really just loathe Emma.


Funny story, while all this is happening Henry is being just as big of a jerk to Regina in the real world, setting her up for lunch then bailing on her. Sad. So now we know where he gets it.


Mulan and Sleeping Beauty are back together. This episode Mulan yelled at Aurora a lot, and protected her. You know where this is going... (squee).

What else? Cora is terrible still. No surprise there. Oh, there was a flashback, where King Henry curses Snow with two days of infertility. But it's all cleared up, and not really a big deal after all. Charming's mom dies to save Snow's uterus — no one really cares, but it was a nice gesture. Charming and Snow get a quickie marriage, while his Mom is in her death throes, so she can see it. Looks like she held on until the very last second. Or at least I hope she did, because otherwise their witness was a corpse, and that is morbid.


And that's about it. Let's hope the Captain Hook Eyeliner episode next week is better. In conclusion, hooray for this scene.


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