In news that is indisputably, 100% true, North Korea found a "unicorn lair"

Illustration for article titled In news that is indisputably, 100% true, North Korea found a unicorn lair

People give North Korea a hard time, mostly because its ruler is a lunatic whose people live in poverty while enduring countless human rights violations. But has anyone ever stopped and considered that maybe that's how a divine creator might want things to be? Because otherwise, why would he/she/it put the world's only known "unicorn lair" in North Korea, huh?

Here's the word straight from the paragon of journalism known as the "KOREAN CENTRAL NEWS AGENCY of DPRK (Democratic People's Republic of Korea)":

Pyongyang, November 29 (KCNA) — Archaeologists of the History Institute of the DPRK Academy of Social Sciences have recently reconfirmed a lair of the unicorn rode by King Tongmyong, founder of the Koguryo Kingdom (B.C. 277-A.D. 668).

The lair is located 200 meters from the Yongmyong Temple in Moran Hill in Pyongyang City. A rectangular rock carved with words "Unicorn Lair" stands in front of the lair. The carved words are believed to date back to the period of Koryo Kingdom (918-1392).

Jo Hui Sung, director of the Institute, told KCNA:

"Korea's history books deal with the unicorn, considered to be ridden by King Tongmyong, and its lair.
The Sogyong (Pyongyang) chapter of the old book 'Koryo History' (geographical book), said: Ulmil Pavilion is on the top of Mt. Kumsu, with Yongmyong Temple, one of Pyongyang's eight scenic spots, beneath it. The temple served as a relief palace for King Tongmyong, in which there is the lair of his unicorn.

The old book 'Sinjungdonggukyojisungnam' (Revised Handbook of Korean Geography) complied in the 16th century wrote that there is a lair west of Pubyok Pavilion in Mt. Kumsu.

The discovery of the unicorn lair, associated with legend about King Tongmyong, proves that Pyongyang was a capital city of Ancient Korea as well as Koguryo Kingdom."


HOLY SHITSNACKS. Man, South Korea, I bet you feel stupid! Here you are, thinking you're hot shit just because you have a democracy and food and things; meanwhile, North Korea has a fucking unicorn hole. THERE'S A SIGN THAT READS "UNICORN LAIR" RIGHT IN FRONT OF IT, PEOPLE. WHAT ADDITIONAL PROOF COULD YOU POSSIBLY NEED?

Well, thanks to this undeniably divine mandate, I for one look forward to the opportunity to vote a Kim Jong-Un/Unicorn ticket in 2016 in the next Presidential election. Unless Kim Jong-Un turns out to be replicant, which is always a possibility when you find a unicorn. In that case the unicorn could be president, and Jung-Un could be veep. That's fair, right?

[Artists rendition of King Tongmyong's unicorn by Lisa Frank]

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Pontifex (G/O Fuck yourself, Spanfe||er)

I cannot believe that this is actually a state-sponsored news site. Even the DRRK isn't that stupid.