Great Stupid Moments In Posthumanity: Teenage Caveman (NSFW)

In Larry Clark's 2002 Teenage Caveman, a virus wipes out humanity, leaving only scattered human tribes and teenage immortals who love blowing lines and orgies. And if you have sex with the immortals, you gain superpowers or spontaneously combust. WTF?

Ostensibly a remake of Roger Corman's 1958 Z-grade classic of the same name, Clark's Teenage Caveman takes place in an unfathomable future where David (Andrew Keegan), Sarah (Tara Subkoff), and their gang of rebellious caveteens leave their tribe encounter a post-apocalyptic Seattle, where horny, superpowered immortals Neil (Richard Hillman) and Judith (Tiffany Limos) live. The superbeings welcome the teens to their shiny citadel...and then the drug-fueled orgies begin.

See, Teenage Caveman was directed by Larry Clark of Kids fame, so the movie derails into sex fiestas that would be totally unnecessary in another movie. Given how damn ridiculous and low-budget Teenage Caveman is, the sex scenes are the absolute highlight. I could only find scenes of their teenage decadence on French and German sites, so just imagine the characters are speaking some inscrutable futuristic patois.

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The future's awesome, no? It's like one big American Apparel ad 24/7! Unfortunately, unprotected sex with the supermutants has its price. You either (A) spontaneously combust; or (B) become an immortal supermutant yourself, which is a pretty sweet deal other than the fact that you can't propagate the species. Basically, a bunch of supermutants would fuck mankind into extinction. Not a good deal.

Eventually our protagonists are all either (A) killed by the evil, nubile immortals; (B) become human water balloons; or (C) become supermutants themselves. At this point, the gratuitous sex stops and the cheeseball action begins with a vengeance. Oh, and sometimes the immortals turn into Rancor-looking things. I suppose this is a sexual turn-off, but different strokes for different folks.

In sum, Teenage Caveman is the greatest date movie of all time. You'll make your erotic intentions absolutely clear to your love interest. They'll know right off the bat that you have carnal designs, but they also might think that you have an STD and want to strap a grenade to them. It's a gamble, for sure.


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