Fuck Hufflepuff

Illustration for article titled Fuck Hufflepuff

Hufflepuff had a great reason to exist in the beginning. J.K. Rowling had divided people up based on their defining characteristics of bravery, ambition, or intelligence. And yet some people aren’t defined by that. Some people are defined by their really soft hair, or their ability to sound just like Shakira when warbling in the shower. So Rowling invented a fourth house—a “fuck it bucket” where all the leftovers got tossed. That was Hufflepuff.

And look. They seemed to be some just fine people, okay? In the books they are very innocuous, although they had a bit of a tendency to die. Cedric Diggory was very polite and dreamy cannon fodder, and who doesn’t love Tonks, who died off-screen after spending three books using her incredible shapeshifting abilities to do nothing more than look like a Hot Topic reject. And Professor Sprout? That bitch harvests deadly roots on the regular. That’s pretty cool.

But because humanity likes to be filed and sorted as much as 10-year-old witches and wizards, people of the real world began to identify with the house. The internet is rife with people claiming to be Gryffindors or Slytherins or Ravenclaws. In the early ‘00s, there were even a few people brave enough to wear the badge of mediocrity that Hufflepuff’s badger entails.


But then came Pottermore, which further commoditized a product Rowling was, in the ‘90s, reluctant to commoditize. Besides telling people what the fucking virtual wand they’d use if transported to a fantastic world that collapses under the weight of its own world building, Pottermore also sorted people into houses.

If you were lucky you were a Slytherin. If you were unlucky, tired, and had to make a new account because you forgot your login for the email for your old account, you were a Ravenclaw. If you were blustery you were a Gryffindor.

And if you were 95 percent of Tumblr you were the forsaken: A Hufflepuff.

The collective internet has not dealt well with their sudden sorting into the leftover house. Rather than accept their fate as fridged best friends and background Susan Bones they have risen up and deigned to say “NO. Hufflepuffs are COOL.”


They aren’t.

And you real-world Hufflepuffs can’t change that by sorting Korra or Supergirl or Rey or Harley Quinn into your dumb house. They would not be in your dumb house. Your house is where everyone blows on their tea and leads very content and very quiet lives. Your house does not hold fictional characters beyond, like, Dale from The Walking Dead, and all those extras in any movie where people are staring at the interesting people doing interesting things.


So stop trying to make Hufflepuff happen. Don’t hop into every post about the glory of better houses and pipe up with stupid shit like, “Hufflepuffs would sit you down with hot cocoa and hug you” or “Hufflepuffs would beat the villain because you never mess with a Hufflepuff’s friend” or “Neville is basically a Hufflepuff.” He isn’t. He’s a Gryffindor. So please stop co-opting better characters for your shitty house and go drink a warm mug of something.

Senior Consumer Tech Editor. Trained her dog to do fist bumps. Once wrote for Lifetime. Tips encouraged via Secure Drop, Proton Mail, or DM for Signal.

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Excuse me, Hufflepuff is near the kitchens.