Chaos! Exposition. Chaos! Exposition. Exposition. Exposition. Yeah, it wasn't exactly "Pandemonium" last night, but there was some really fun action.

Look, I know. I know there's no way anyone's going to be happy watching the TV show remake things from the movie. But the first 20 minutes of last night, with the vampires and the killing in the club? That was just fun. Exuberant, bloody fun. A guy got his arm ripped off, and I experienced a kind of catharsis that was desperately needed. I cheered.


Spoilers from here...

We start pretty much right where we left, with Satanico taking the stage for her snake dance and the requisite mind-fucking of Richie, who a) knows she's real and b) tells Seth that she's the one who brought him to the bar. Freddie shows up and stabs Richie, and Satanico seems less set to vamp out because of the blood and more set off by the attack to her mind-buddy.

And cue the fighting and the Titty Twister locking everyone down inside. Dismemberment, shooting, stabbing. Jacob's cross fails to slow down the vampires coming at the Fullers, but Scott gets off a nice shotgun blast at them. Fun for the whole family!

Satanico tells Richie she's been waiting for him, so Seth shoots her in the chest. She scowls and runs off to take a healing bath in blood, and now it's time to stop the action in favor of ALL THIS EXPOSITION WE NEED.


  • Seth's now convinced that he didn't set up this deal, it's all Richie and he's been played. Richie, meanwhile, is nursing some bitchy feelings that about Seth and Vanessa and Seth wanting to run off with her.
  • Scott has somehow read a legend and has figured out that the vampires are "Aztec or Mayan."
  • Jake Busey isn't Sex Machine, but a Professor Tanner of old-timey vampires here undercover. He is so horribly miscast as either a professor OR Sex Machine that I kind of love him.
  • Professor Busey Machine lets everyone know that this is Blood Cult territory, where they worship a vision serpent who made a woman a demigod.
  • Then he reveals that it's SNAKE VAMPIRES we're dealing with here, not Dracula ones. They have venom and fangs that fold back like a snake's.


Action break: Bullets knock dow, but diddonot kill the vampires. So stabbing ensues as some get up. Back to the exposition:

  • The bar's on top of a temple, and it's a "people juicer" for harvesting blood for the Snakepires.
  • And there's a Snakepire hierarchy, so some get the best of the food harvested, and others do the work.
  • There's a legend about two brothers (GET IT?) killing the vampire lords.


Cut to the representatives (although not the leaders) of the nine Snakepire lords sitting down to dinner, and then we get their side of the exposition:

  • Carlos and Satanico are on the bottom of Snakepire food chain, just servants.
  • Satanico's just supposed to lure in the food.
  • She's brought them all there, including the Geckos, for a "big night" she has planned.
  • She monologues about slaves and masters, which she also voiced-over about earlier. Join her rebellion or die, basically. She and Daenerys Targaryan should get together and have a pow-wow.


Action break again: Narciso can't vamp out because Carlos has put snake venom in their glasses that stop that. He and Satanico take knives to the lieutenants. Carlos ends up chaining down a not-vanquished Narciso. Two more Snakepires appear upstairs, one of which is utterly ridiculous looking, and my glee returns one more. A bomb that the guys have made in the action lull is detonated, Scott gets thrown down a chute, Kate chainsaws a vampire and saves her useless father, and Satanico appears to tell Richie that he can't leave. Freddie shoots Richie, and Satanico, pissed, drags Richie from the room.

So, status report: Scott's in the temple, possibly dead or soon-to-be. Freddie was bitten, so his turning is imminent. Richie is in the "care" of Satanico, who likely teamed up to bring the Geckos to the bar so they could kill the nine lords and set the slave Snakepires free.


No one's ended up with their movie fates just yet, but I'm not yet sure whether that's just delayed or honestly changed. I'm glad we actually got answers, and they actually seem to work, but I wish we could have gotten them in some way other than Professor Busey Machine and Satanico monologuing them at us. Plus, it was a huge let-down after the sheer joy of the fight in the beginning, which I may re-watch again. More dismemberment, less lectures is the takeaway message, I guess.