Five Ways to Hit on Aliens

Illustration for article titled Five Ways to Hit on Aliens

Their lovely green skin and tentacle powers taunt you every night at the intergalactic bar. You know you want to hit those aliens, but you need some serious pickup artist skills. Don't worry, because io9 is here to help you polish up your one-liners: Using our foolproof system, you'll get those alien babes to talk to you, give you their phone numbers, and even take you home to their anti-grav beds. We've got five sure-fire ways to make the aliens want you to want them. 1. Give them makeovers. As the educational film Earth Girls Are Easy makes clear, the easiest way to get an alien to go on an Earth-bound date is to offer him a makeover first. No alien wants to feel like he doesn't fit in at the disco, so have your cute friend (ideally, as cute as Julie Brown) give them a nice depilation treatment and wardrobe upgrade. Then you're ready for a night on the town. And if the ending of this movie is any indication, you'll have your de-furred, long-tongued alien purring in bed with you before the night is through. 2. Tell your alien a sob story about your last boyfriend. This is really an advanced technique in alien seduction, but it seemed to work wonders for Karen Allen in the movie Starman. A friendly alien has come to Earth and used genetic material from her dead husband to craft a body for himself (that's why she didn't need to offer him a makeover). When alien hottie asks her to "define love," Karen gives him the whole "when someone you love dies [sob]" number and it totally works! Later on, she takes a tumble with the alien out in nature — and that was back in the day when Jeff Bridges had a really hot body, so score one for Karen. 3. Have a warm body. Sometimes you don't need a fancy makeover or tale of woe to get an alien babe's attention. The hot alien in Species just wants a warm body, and all you need to do is stand next to her when she strips off her top and shows off her bra. So if you're looking for a Species-style hookup, always remember to hang out in giant nightclubs that are near highly-classified research facilities. Just remember, if she decides not to have sex with you after assessing your genetic material, don't insist on it. 4. Make your alien feel like she owes you something. Don't let anyone tell you that guilt isn't a good way to get some hot alien action. Look what happens in videogame Mass Effect when you put the old "you owe me something" attitude on. What I'm saying is that if an alien babe wants to thank you, always ask for more. Don't be satisfied with just a few wise words about your leadership or whatever crap. Keep pushing for the old you-know-what. 5. Join a secret organization whose job is to guard an ambiguous "rift" between Earth and vaguely-defined alien stuff.

This is one of those pickup artist tips that almost goes without saying. Obviously the very first thing you should do if you want to meet hot aliens is join a secret organization like Torchwood, from the eponymous TV series that spun off from Doctor Who. In this clip you can see the kinds of things that aliens do with our intrepid agents. The fact is, most aliens are on Earth looking for orgasmic energy and you just have to be in the right place at the right time to give it to them. But if that's too hard for you, well then obviously you'll want to go back to the makeover and sob story options. Or guilt. Aliens just love guilt. WARNING: Do not, under any circumstances, expect your alien to act like this or like this.


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Sounds good, but what about all that alien tendency to eat human flesh and/or cause painful death during sex?