Following on their unholy pacts with The Hobbit movies, Denny’s has lined up a new cross-promotional menu designed to make you feel moderately bad about yourself while eating while advertising a movie. The Fantastic Four are heading to Denny’s, and they’re bringing “Thing Sauce” with them.

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Sadly, some of the intense wackiness of the Hobbit menus are not to be found in this new Fantastic Four-themed menu (dubbed the “Slamtastic 4” menu, so you know we’re already off to a great start) but we’re still left with some hilariously weird/terrible comic book food mashups. Each member of the team gets a signature dish except for, strangely enough, Mr. Fantastic. I guess they couldn’t come up with something as an equivalent to “can stretch his limbs and stuff.” (Surely noodles or spaghetti? Denny’s, call me! Let’s work this out!).

Sue Storm gets the “Invisible Woman Slam”:

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Nothing says invisibility like... fruit pancakes? I almost wish they just charged you for an empty plate for the terrible joke.

Meanwhile, the Human Torch gets the “Human Torch Skillet”:

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Which is appropriately dotted with jalapeños, because, you know, fire and stuff. As our own Ria Misra said upon hearing about this, “I just don’t think anything you order off a Denny’s menu should have the word “human” in it at all.” I’m also sad that this skillet does not have the same sort of radioactive glow the Hobbit food did, which would actually work here!

So far, so lazy for the Fantastic Four/Denny’s crossover, but it’s at least, err, saved a little by “The Thing Burger”:

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First off, the good thing. Great— or should I say fantastic — use of a cheddar bun to give a decidedly Thing-ish texture. Less great? Well, here’s the description, emphasis mine:

Hand-pressed beef patty topped with hash browns, an Egg cooked to order, Cheddar Cheese, two crispy Bacon strips, and punch-packing Thing Sauce. Served on a Cheddar bun with our wavy-cut french fries.

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Oh god, Thing Sauce. What is Thing Sauce? What makes it “punch-packing”? Why does “Thing Sauce” sound like something you’d hear about in an adult Fantastic Four parody? Who in their right mind wants to consume something slathered in Thing Sauce?? I have so many questions, and all the potential answers terrify me.

At this point, the menu decides to just give up the pretence of creativity altogether, giving us the “I dunno, let’s say there’s four different things are in this because Fantastic Four” items that are the “Fantastic Four-Cheese Omelette” and the “Fantastic Four-fruit smoothie”, but there is one final piece of weirdness: The Doctor Doom Lava Cake.

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The blogger thing in the movie was bad enough, but really, Denny’s? This is all you can do for the all-caps glory that is Victor Von Doom? Surely Lava cake would be a Johnny Storm joint. WHERE IS THE RICH COMMITMENT TO THE LORE OF THE FANTASTIC FOUR IN THIS MENU, DENNY’S. WHERE.

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Interested in a dining experience that is probably the closest you’ll get to experience the feeling the Fantastic Four went through when they were blasted by cosmic radiation and got their powers? Denny’s Fantastic Four menu will be available from June 23rd.

[Images via Comic Book]

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