Dirt Powers and Sorority House Lesbians on "Heroes"

So last night's Heroes was a veritable smorgasbord of dirt. There were dirt powers, dirty sorority sisters, and dirty, dirty Nylar. Watch out for greasy mindwipe rainbow carnival hair - and spoilers!

In this episode, called "Hysterical Blindness," Nylar finally turns back into Sylar (except without his memory) after getting captured by the cops and interrogated by a nice doctor who wants to help him until she figures out that he's some guy named Gabriel who murdered his mom. There are lots of scenes of Sylar's face in closeup looking sweaty and greasy and confused. And - let's face it - kind of hot. But only because it reminds you of when he was Spock, who was genuinely hot. For like twenty quillionth time, Sylar rediscovers his powers after getting whumped upside the brain and forgetting that he's super evil boy. And then he breaks a bunch of shit and gets away, partly with the help of the nice doctor.

Why does the nice doctor help him? Maybe because he turns those brown spocky peepers on her and says, "I didn't kill anybody!" Which is sort of true, since he's forgotten killing them. So Sylar runs off into the woods.

Long before that, however, we got to see what breakfast is like at the Carnival. A lady lays her superhot hands on a waffle iron and makes blueberry mutant waffles, which Samuel says are his favorite. Then Samuel sits down at the table, munches on some seriously ugly, wrinkled sausages, and tells his carnies that by nightfall "the table will be full." He's going to get another mutant to join them. Everybody looks nervous except for the old people and kids, who are focused on the sausages.


Then we see the inexplicable dirt power scene, where Samuel goes up into the hills and starts sniffing dirt and talking to Hot Tattoo about how he has "a feeling" (a dirt feeling?) that they will get a new mutant pal. As you can see in the clip below, she's sort of pissed about that. But he keeps digging around in the dirt and insisting everything will sprout or something.

Maybe you geniuses can explain to me WTF is going on here. He has prophetic dirt powers? And what the hell is he doing with all those holes in the dirt? Plus, we still don't really understand his whole tattoo power with Hot Tattoo. Why does dirt power equal total mega power?

The WTF feelings about bizarre and/or stupid powers will only grow larger when you contemplate the rainbow bright subsubsubplot, which metastasized into a scene that I won't inflict on your vulnerable eyes. So Peter saves Emma the synaesthesia chick when she almost walks into a truck, and then he sucks up her power. Suddenly instead of running really fast he's seeing special effects from Xanadu jumping out of anything that makes a loud noise. (Please, please, please give us an episode where Peter and Emma go rollerskating together and see colors zooming out of their skates as an Olivia Newton John song plays in the background kthxbai!)


Anyway so Peter is hanging out in the hospital where Emma has had an annoying encounter with her mom, played by Nurse Ratchet (yes she really is). And he sees Emma sitting in on a music lesson with a bunch of little kids, whose songs are creating bee-yoo-tee-fulz rainbowzes all floaty woaty scrotumy in the air. They make a rainbow love connection, and spend almost five minutes of my valuable freaking time playing piano together and watching the stupid floaty rainbow crap.

There are hints that this rainbow crap may prove useful - or at least destructive. Emma goes home and starts playing her cello, making rainbows appear everywhere. But then some the rainbows stick to the wall and make it crack! Does she have destructo-synaesthesia? It's actually more common than you might think.


But let's get down to brass tacks, shall we?. This episode is the beginning of lesbianism on Heroes - not just one kiss, but an entire LESBIAN ARC, okay? Last night was only the beginning. And what a great beginning it was - already with the creepy Googling, sorority house speed dating, and invisible sorority sisters committing murder! Srsly OMG.

Here's how it all goes down (except for a few things that I may have embellished). Claire and proto-lovemuncher Gretchen are sipping chocolate milk together in the dorm dining hall and Claire is smiling in this totally horny way so Gretchen says something like, "What kinds of girl love are you thinking about, smiley?" And Claire says, "I'm just so happy to be a normal, happy college co-ed lesbian on the prowl." Just then another hottie sits down with them and says, "Hey girls, want to rush my totally sexed up sorority?" Then she gives Claire this smokey, meaningful look and says, "Your MOM was a member of our sorority you know." Seriously, she totally goes to the MILF place like right off the bat. I was surprised too, but not in a bad way.


So Claire begs Gretchen to come along with her to the sorority speed date night (see clip above) and they put on their sexy purple outfits and check out their future special friends. Later, they even go to a sorority party where Claire bonds with other hot cheerleaders about how cheerleading was awesome except for the uniforms - if they could only have cheered naked in a sorority she would have been into it. But then! Gretchen gets jealous and throws a giant spiked flagpole at Claire! And later Claire finds out Gretchen has been wearing her frilly sweaters and Googling on her. Whoa - Googling! They haven't even had oral sex yet and already with the kinky internet stuff. Heroes is really getting edgy this season!

But then things go from kinky to uber-mega-turbo-norkular. Claire is pissed off about the sweaters and Googling and she finally confronts Gretchen about how she's semi-stalking Claire and talking about her on dates with other sorority girls. And Gretchen finally comes clean and says (and I'm actually not making this part up), "I'm not stalking you. I have a crush. I'm crushing on you." And then she plants a big giant kiss on Claire's lips and it was actually a really cute scene. Until the sorority sisters bust into their room and say, "Welcome to the sorority!" They passed the pledge test and now they really are lesbian sorority sisters.


That's around when we discover that Rachel, the hottie who invited Claire into the sorority, is the Invisible Girl. Though I miss Christopher Eccleston the invisible man, Rachel is pretty awesome - especially when she shows up at the Carnival and calls Samuel "uncle." Then in a series of flashbacks we see that Rachel has been making a ton of evil mischief to drive Claire insane and make her want to hang out with the dirt-powered carnies. She threw the flagpole at Claire; she snuck into the girls' dorm room and booted up Gretchen's computer so that Claire would see the Googlage; and she even (gasp) tossed Claire's ex-roomie out the window! I'm really excited about the whole evil lesbotic sorority subsubsubplot, people. Things are looking up.

They're even looking up for Sylar, who ran deep into the woods and then discovered - lo! - a Carnival looming out of nowhere. This is the first time that we've gotten the impression that the entire Carnival has some kind of mutant power of moving around and hiding. Samuel comes out to greet Sylar and welcome him to the Carnival, and they're both smiling and looking carnie-tastic. Of course when the cops chasing Sylar come looking for him, the Carnival is nowhere to be seen.


Whoa, haunted Carnival! That's pretty cool, right? Wait, no. Not as cool as lesbians. And not as cool as the news today that one of the original male mutants will be dying in an upcoming episode! Please let it be Hiro, Sylar, Nathan, Peter, Suresh, and Matt! Well, OK, we can leave one of them alive. But only one. And it would be good if he were a lesbian sorority girl.


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Platypus Man

I like your version of the scenes with Claire better... Not sure why, but it's definitely better...

And Nathan's already dead and we haven't seen Suresh in forever, so let's just calll it a day with the whole killing people off thing. Except maybe Matt, who seems to only be interesting with Sylar in his head.