Delusional Scientist Has Incredible List of Collaboration Requirements

Illustration for article titled Delusional Scientist Has Incredible List of Collaboration Requirements

Spurred by the racist, sexist, and aggressively witless dating criteria of one 39-year-old Austinite, analytical chemist Dr. Rubidium has taken this man-child's Incredible List of Dating Requirements and replaced it with the Incredible List of Collaboration Requirements of one delusional scientist. The results are pretty damn perfect.

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The criterial foundations for a fair number of these are copied almost word-for-word from Sleepless in Austin's now-infamous list of specifications. As a satiricial device, it works surprisingly well. You'll find Rubidium's full list at the gloriously conceived Journal of Are You Fucking Kidding, but here are a few to whet your appetite.

I am looking for a decent colleague that wants to be in a long term research collaboration with me.

I want the colleague to be smart.

I like colleagues that are brainy, or with a fast-thinking or nimble mind. A average brain is fine too, just as long as you are not over witless. I will not experiment with a overwitless or fatuous colleague.

I like colleagues that are 130 IQ points or slightly less. Of course wit needs to be in proportion to their humor, as long as they aren’t considred overwitless, they should be fine.

Being overwitless is a total dealbreaker with me.

I also like colleagues with long handwriting. I like a colleague to look like a colleague, not a manual, I like a fastidious, precise colleague. I like handwriting down to the footer at least. Sometimes I can make exceptions if it is shorter depending on how it looks on the page. But for the most part, I love long handwriting.

Redshirts are my favorite, next is Browncoats, and next is Batmaniacs, in that order. I like all 3, but I’m just saying if I had to choose, that’s my order of preference.

I will not work with a Biology colleague. I don’t care if they’re skilled like David Baltimore, I will not ever work with a Biology colleague.

However, I will work any other discipline, Chemist, Biochemist, Physicist, Mathematician, Computer Scientist, whatever, anything except Biology.

I do not like glasses on a colleague. Although, it’s not a dealbreaker, as long as they can wear contacts at least most of the time.

I do not ever want to have undergraduate researchers, so if a colleague is wanting to have undergraduate researchers, I am not her/his collaborator.

I will not work with a colleague that does not have a NIH or NSF career development grant.

I am not looking for any type of colleague that is materialistic or a gold digger or expects a collaborator to pay for everything.

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Read the rest at The JAYFK

Top image via Shutterstock

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DISCUSSION

Robert, you missed the best part!

I prefer a colleague that has never had undergraduate researchers, because having undergraduate researchers does ruin a colleague’s body of work often times. They end up with lower IF publications. And also sometimes it makes their lab looser, and I don’t care how many training exercises a colleague does, after she has 2 or 3 eighteen to twenty-two year undergraduate researchers, you can’t tell me it’s going to be 100% as tight as it ever was! Plus, what’s even worse than all of that, is sometimes during undergraduate researcher training the lab coat of a colleague get torn and they never look the same as the did originally even after they patch it, that’s why some colleagues even get expert tailoring to their lab coats after undergraduate researcher training to try and regain their original lab appearance.

The parody is just too hilarious!