Damon Lindelof recently wrote a blockbuster movie treatment for the Deepwater Horizon leak. His take? "We're gonna reverse-ARMAGEDDON this shit and call it a sequel." But wait! J.J. Abrams did Armageddon. Here's our idea of what Lindelof's script should resemble.
Esquire asked Lindelof to transform BP's environmental clusterfuck into a gee-whiz popcorn thriller. Lindelof punched out Armageddoner!, a sequel to the 1998 Bruce Willis space-cowboy flick/Aerosmith prom ballad vehicle. Here's his kooky pitch, and the gist of his premise:
And in a series of totally awesome CGI graphics (this thing is in 3D, bitches) we learn that through history, GEOLOGISTS have conspired to hide the truth of our own planet from us - that, in fact, the Earth does not have a molten core but instead, a core comprised entirely of OIL. And armed with that secret knowledge (the Vatican should be in on this, too - let's tap that Da Vinci Code audience), corporations have been racing to TAP that oil, thus controlling our long-term energy supply and blahblahblah who gives a shit, we GET IT! But the headline is THIS:
Now that the core has been tapped, it is spewing like a sailor on shore leave. And if it can't be stopped? The core of the planet will empty out. And then?
The Earth will fucking COLLAPSE!!!
This is all well and good, but part of me thinks Lindelof should go with what he knows. After all, Armageddon was more J.J. Abrams' brainchild. Given that the Lost finale was filled with giant corks, a tropical clime, and a cloud of sentient pollution, wouldn't the Island be a more appropriate setting? Join us as we reimagine (with the utmost apologies to Mr. Lindelof) the Island as a crude (ha!) environmental parable:
SCENE: The deep water oil rig THE LOOKING GLASS. Chief petroleum head honcho guy MIKHAIL BAKUNIN has been pressing the same numerical sequence — 4 8 15 16 23 42 — into the computer so the oil rig doesn't explode. He is extremely bored and accidentally pulls a pin out of a grenade. The oil rig explodes.
Meanwhile, back on the mainland, respective OIL AND FAST FOOD MAGNATES CHARLES WIDMORE and HUGO BOSS are losing their minds over the leak.
HUGO: This is a disaster! I need this oil to fry my chicken!
CHARLES: No worries, Hugo Boss. I'll send my tanker, the KAHANA to go investigate.
Cut to scene of the island. Oil-soaked sharks and polar bears and golden retrievers are washing up on the shore of the Island. Everyone is losing their minds. Iraqi torturer SAYID JARRAH picks up an OIL-soaked can of Slusho! soda. He lets out a single tear.
Meanwhile, Southern conman SAWYER JAMES FORD LAFLEUR has taken off his shirt and is rubbing the OIL all over his torso. Hello, ladies. Pan to rock star HOBBITS MCGEE, who's shooting up the OIL.
THE LAWNMOWER MAN comes running up to JACK, who is twiddling a wine bottle full of OIL between his forefingers.
LAWNMOWER MAN: Jack, I found a cork to plug the leak, but if we remove it, all the evil in the world will come pouring out.
JACK vacillates for two seasons and decides to remove the cork. He does and a bunch of evil special effects start coming out. This was obviously a stupid idea!
JACK: Lawnmower Man! This won't fix the oil leak! A bunch of angry light is coming out. Wait, you're not the Lawnmower Man!
LAWNMOWER MAN turns into a CLOUD OF SENTIENT OIL.
OIL CLOUD: Haha, after 10,000 years I'm free! It's time to conquer Earth!
JACK is scared shitless and drops the cork back in the hole. This scene takes two hours.
OIL CLOUD: Nooo!
JACK: Well, I've defeated that evil cloud? But what about the oil spill?
THE STEPFATHER shows up.
STEPFATHER: Jack, there is no oil spill. BECAUSE WE'RE IN A MAGICAL MULTI-DENOMINATIONAL CHURCH.
JACK: So Unitarianism is the one true religion?
[Image via Esquire]