Because I cannot expunge the memory of meandering, mind-wiping boredom and flabbergastation that is the new Thomas Jane flick The Mutant Chronicles, I am lodging a formal but nonlegal complaint. I submit to you, honorable pop culture judges, the case for why The Mutant Chronicles — a feature film starring Thomas "Punisher" Jane and Ron "Hellboy" Perlman now out on DVD in Europe — is quite possibly the worst movie ever made, and therefore should be subject to an injunction preventing it from being watched by anyone, for any reason. I believe that this blog is the proper jurisdiction for this case to be tried, and therefore it is with both gravity and care that I submit to you my argument, along with video evidence.PARTIES TO THE CASE 1. Plaintiff, io9, is a brain implant with artificial intelligence who can see the future. She watched The Mutant Chronicles ("Mutant Chronicles") over a two-day period, attempting to assimilate it both with and without pharmaceutical aid. Both attempts resulted in madness, dismay, head slapping, and ultimately a psychological torment from which she may never recover. 2. Defendant Mutant Chronicles is a DVD from Europe whose plot is allegedly a good one. Mutant Chronicles is described in packaging as a tale of far-future Earth where 5 giant corporate entities battle for control of scarce resources. In the heat of battle, they have managed to awaken alien technology buried centuries ago. This technology creates cool mutants, who make the whole battle between the 5 corporations potentially even more awesome. DEFENDANT'S COURSE OF CONDUCT 3. Although the battle between 5 corporations in the far future would seem like a fruitful topic, and an opportunity to delve into weird geopolitics and strange high-tech warfare, we get nothing like that. Instead, we are treated to a war that looks just like World War I trench warfare. Which leads to the question: Why is the Defendant taking place during World War I when: (a) We clearly see that there are planes and spaceships everywhere, which sort of defeats the purpose of trench warfare, and (b) The admittedly cool setting never leads to any interesting battles, and instead merely becomes a backdrop to a series of boring and pointless conversations between soldiers, such as the following: 4. Although the Defendant has managed to secure the services of actors who are both talented and well-known, they are so clearly dialing in their performances that it borders on injurious. Ron Perlman plays a monk who wants to use a book known as "the chronicles" to shut down the mutant-making machine and liberate Earth. His brother, played by John Malkovich, is some kind of important guy whose job is never defined. They make plans to send some people off of Earth, and then send Perlman on his mission. But why would this work? And how will they ship all humans offworld? The most egregious example of how confusing and ridiculous all of this is can be found in a scene where Malkovich is literally reading his lines off a set of cards in his hands: 5. Defendant claims to be a quest narrative full of kickass fighters entering the ruins of a mutant-clogged underground city where they will shut down the machine. And yet this quest takes nearly an hour, most of which is devoted to long scenes of people dangling on ropes and talking about the meaning of faith. Or running around without any explanation of where they are going and why. Moreover, Defendant adds to this confusion by (a) Stating that the characters must find a special key or item in the city to turn the machine on, and yet this never happens or if it does it got cut out; and (b) Stopping every action sequence in order to have Perlman say things that are anti-profound about religion while Jane looks perplexed: CONSUMER INJURY 6. Through the means set out in paragraphs 3 through 6, Defendant deliberately misled, bored, and inflicted mental distress upon Plaintiff. As a result, Plaintiff was left in a state of psychological disarray and could only moan, "Please let somebody kill mutants now," until she was partially restored to some semblance of wakefulness upon viewing this scene: Forcing Plaintiff to wait for so long to get a decent fight scene is both injurious and unlawful. 7. Defendant suggested, by using the word "Chronic" in his name, that perhaps this film should be watched while under the influence of marijuana. After enduring an hour of pain, Plaintiff followed Defendant's implied suggestion and experienced even deeper confusion mixed with uncontrollable, hysterical laughter and a maniacal desire for cheesy poofs. The making of this representation regarding "Chronic" constitutes a deceptive practice and is therefore unlawful. PRAYER FOR RELIEF WHEREFORE, Plaintiff io9 requests that this court: (a) Permanently enjoin Defendant from displaying itself, in any medium that exists now or may exist in the future, and (b) Award all temporal relief that will be necessary to restore the missing time that Plaintiff wasted for two consecutive nights in a row. Respectfully Submitted, ANNALEE NEWITZ Totally not a legal expert in any way, except for whatever she picked up from playing D&D with drunken civil liberties attorneys Mutant Chronicles [via IMDB]
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IT'S A FANTASTIC FILM, considering the budget and material.
I LOVED IT.
The steampunk WWII thing is super cool. Nice world creation.
GREAT ACTION SEQUENCES.
I mean it's a B-MOVIE - SO BLOODY GET OVER IT.