Breaking Bad's "The one who knocks" as written by famous authors

Illustration for article titled emBreaking Bad/ems The one who knocks as written by famous authors

One of the most quotable moments from Breaking Bad is Walter White's menacing "I am the one who knocks" speech. But what if that speech was written not by the show's staff, but by the likes of George R.R. Martin or J.K. Rowling?

Over at McSweeney's, Laura Spadanuta pokes fun at various authors by rewriting the speech (embedded above) in their styles. For example, Ernest Hemingway:

“I knock,” Walt said. That was all.

George R.R. Martin:

“I am the man who swings the sword on others," said Ser Walder, of House White. "Valar morghūlis.”


J.K. Rowling:

“Do not fear for me, my dear, for my alohomora spell is the one that makes Voldemort cower,” Walterius White explained to his wife, before transforming into a scorpion and scuttling into the outlet.


Definitely, definitely head over to McSweeney's to read the rest. Walter White in the style of Stephenie Meyer is your required reading for the day.

Walter White’s, “I Am the One Who Knocks” Speech as Written by Other Authors [McSweeney's via Nerdcore]

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The George RR Martin one would be framed by an extensive discussion of Walt and Skyler's genealogy and several paragraphs describing their clothes.