​Bitten has all the hot werewolf vodka marketing action you can handle

Illustration for article titled em​Bitten/em has all the hot werewolf vodka marketing action you can handle

As the Mutts' onslaught of werewolf serial killers continues, we learn Elena's secret werewolf origin. But who cares when the goddamn vodka marketing campaign Elena's super-dull boyfriend is working on is actually coming back into play?

Let's start with the episode's main plot, which is actually quite slow. That hunter that Clay tussled with is missing, and obviously dead and somewhere on the Danvers' land. Before the Pack can take care of it, the Sheriff and the other redneck hunters show up, so a great big posse forms to search the 100 acres of land, including Elena and Nick. Elena smells the body, she and Nick concoct an elaborate scheme to distract everybody (she fakes twisting her ankle, Nick gets in a fight with a redneck) and Laura drags the corpse somewhere else in wolf form.

Boom, done. But meanwhile we also flashback to Clay and Elena's early relationship, and when I say interesting I mean bizarre. Clay is an anthropology professor who has written a book on anthropomorphic relations? Uh-huh. And Elena is hired as his "typist"? Sure. And they fall in love over the course of the semester while he dictates his next book to her? What the hell is happening? But this just sets the stages for the real insanity when Clay takes Elena to Stonehaven for the first time. First of all, Jeremy is pissed, because 1) Clay didn't tell him he was coming, and 2) it's stupid for Clay to have gotten engaged to a human girl. So he sends Clay away and serves tea to Elena, which is when Clay, as a wolf, pads into the living room and just bites Elena directly on the hand


What the hell? Jeremy seems as surprised as Elena is that a wolf has walked into the living room, and he cautions her against petting it, so I assume he didn't order Clay to do it. Also, no woman has ever survived "the change" (as they so cleverly put it) before Elena, so this was a death sentence for all either of them knew. So I repeat: What the hell? Why did Clay bite her? Did something make him? Is something going on here behind-the-scenes, or is this moment that makes zero sense like last week's very unfortunate wolf sex harassment scene?

Elena survives, obviously, but hates Clay. That doesn't keep her from policing the Mutts with him for two years before she kills that one dude with the werewolf hand and decides to run off to Canada. (Note: I'm assuming she hated Clay all that time, unless Clay did something else to her at the end of their two-year stint that made her pissed off again.)

What else? Santos stops by to offer his proposal to Jeremy, his information for being allowed in the pack again. Jeremy gets the information and then says he'll think about letting him back in. I'm sure that won't bite them in the ass at all. Elena's super-dull boyfriend invites her to a wedding, and Elena abandons the Pack to go home, even though they're still under attack by an unknown number of werewolf serial killers. That'll also probably have no ramifications whatsoever. And speaking of werewolf serial killers, the Mutt named Kane recruits a new one — a pedophile who appears to have gotten his hands on Elena when she was little, so, eww.

But as mentioned above, the biggest development come during the update of Dullfriend's vodka marketing campaign. Dullfriend meets with his client who — and I swear I'm not making this up — shows Dullfriend footage of what are obviously (to the audience) footage of Elena and Logan as wolves running around, and asks Dullfriend if he can somehow work it into the campaign. Dullfriend, like any marketing executive when tasked with a completely insane request from a client, just says sure and never even questions the fact this dude has given him a video of giant wolves standing around in a forest and told him to make it somehow sell vodka.


And suddenly, this stupid vodka campaign is now the most interesting part of the show. Unfortunately for Bitten, though, it's still not that interesting.

Illustration for article titled em​Bitten/em has all the hot werewolf vodka marketing action you can handle

Assorted Musings:

  • Early in the episode, when referring to the serial killer whose scrapbook she stole, Elena says, "I'm the bitch that he wants." Never do that again, Bitten. Never.
  • Professor Clay tries to not hire Elena for his typist position by claiming he doesn't have time to train her to spell words like Tlinget (an indigenous tribe of people on the northern Pacific coast). He does, apparently have time to blow interviewing hundreds of underpaid stenographers until he finds one that already has his ridiculously specific vocabulary. Clay's a dick.
  • Clay gets naked awfully fast in his flashback sex scene with Elena. They don't even bother to lock his office door.
  • Apparently when Jeremy found Clay, he was a "feral swamp boy." This explains his hotheaded nature, and continues to make his sudden job as an anthrolopogy professor all the more insane.
  • That shot of Jeremy, Clay and Nick in the doorway at the end was ridiculous.
  • "You're like a rook, Clay — stuck in your ways, zigzagging all over the place." DOS SANTOS DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY CHESS.

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I figured Clay bit her because Jeremy made it pretty damned clear that the engagement wasn't happening, so his options were to either break it off with Elena or turn her. Given that women essentially never survive the change, it's odd that he chose the latter option.