Behold Wesley Crusher: Teenage F*** Machine, the Amazon Kindle's new hottest book

Illustration for article titled Behold emWesley Crusher: Teenage F*** Machine/em, the Amazon Kindles new hottest book

Over the past several days, a certain Star Trek: The Next Generation prose piece has ensnared the popular imagination the world over. It's a story that's been recycled since time immemorial, due to its sheer cross-cultural thematic resonance.


I am, of course, referring to author Kitty Glitter's Amazon Kindle tour de force Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine, an edifying fable in which the Enterprise's resident rascal has a sexual awakening during a threesome with a barbed-penised cat man. Also, Captain Jean Luc Picard is walloped in the gonads.

Very little is known about the narrative genesis of Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine. In fact, Wesley Crusher portrayer Wil Wheaton was completely uninvolved with this radical redefinition of the character. "I don't have to read Wesley Crusher, Teenage Fuck Machine, Dottie. I lived it," opined Wheaton on Twitter. "Well, except for the fuck machine part."

Illustration for article titled Behold emWesley Crusher: Teenage F*** Machine/em, the Amazon Kindles new hottest book

Since debuting on Amazon February 15, WC:TFM has catapulted up the Kindle sales charts — as of this post's publication date, Wesley Crusher was the 47th most popular Action & Adventure Kindle book for sale. Its meteoric rise may have something to do with the fact that Amazon Prime users can download it for free — as happy reviewer April notes, "Clearly worth the $0.00 it took to get this thing onto my Kindle. I would have happily paid twice that amount."


Reviewers also found WC:TFM steeped in psychological symbolism. Would you expect anything less from the author of Michael Jackson: The Sequel, whose tagline is, "What happens when Michael Jackson must face off against three of the creepiest monsters ever?"


Amazon critic Gahvin deemed Wesley Crusher a routine affair, save for the author's bold addition of a new feline cast member who should tickle both Trekkies and those readers who enjoy a deep exegesis:

One notable exception is the introduction of an original character, the fearsome "Meow Solo," who is Glitter's representation of the primal drive of the human id (in contrast to Captain Picard's moralistic superego.) Solo's harrowing descent into the dark tunnel of collective memory is a stunning and unexpected moment in this otherwise dreary Psych 101 textbook.


Ultimately, the onus lies with the individual to interpret the true meaning of WC:TFM — I'm pretty sure the latter half of the title leaves us open to some ripping Marxist readings about "the commodification of the fresh-faced," et cetera, et cetera. Anyway, here's the free preview of Wesley Crusher. We haven't seen such Amazonian prose since Deadly Equines. All typos and narrative choices from this paragon of self-publishing are presented here unbesmirched:

And that's where Wesley Crusher came in. In the girl's mouth, stifling the scream caused by the tiny barbs that encircled the tip of Meow Solo's penis.

The barbs scraped against her rectal walls, tearing out chunks of flesh as the feline pilot extraordinaire withdrew his penis from her virgin ass.

"What is the meaning of this?" said Captain Picard.

Wesley stopped fucking and turned around to look directly at none other than Captain Jean Luc Picard.

"Sup Picard?" said Wesley.

"An orgy aboard the holodeck?" shouted Picard, "This is an outrage!"

Prof. Moriarty suddenly materializes in front of Picard brandishing a silver pistol and shoots the Captain in his balls.

Picard collapses to the floor screaming in agony.

"Your days of blathering on are over Picard," said Moriarty, "now call that guy with the beard and tell him Moriarty said he was filthy animal."

"RIKER!" screamed Picard, "You are of course referring to Will Riker, one of the finest officers I have ever served with."

"Wesley and Meow Solo stepped off he girl and pulled their skintight pants up.

"Whatevs Picard," said Wesley, "nobody cares who you served with, the Enterprise is totally doomed. I filled this chamber up with space gas."

"NO!" cried Picard.

"Meow Solo, go get the SHO ready!"

"Sure Wes," said Meow Solo as he ran from the holodeck chamber.

"Moriarty c'mon let's go!" said Wesley.

Illustration for article titled Behold emWesley Crusher: Teenage F*** Machine/em, the Amazon Kindles new hottest book

For other works by Kitty Glitter, see My Red Self ("a smear of vaginal blood comes to the aid of a bullied teenage girl") and Springer Syndrome, which may or may not have been illustrated by a 3-year-old. Here's a sample review of that:


Great short story about a messed up dog
This story was pretty sick. I was not expecting it to have so much violence and disturbing sex with animals. It was well written though and the character of the dog was crazy.


[Amazon via Regretsy]


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Technically speaking, does Kitty Glitter work for Paramount Television who owns Star Trek? Is this copyright infringement, or is it fair use?