Behemoth: Syfy's biggest, craziest monster movie yet!

Illustration for article titled Behemoth: Syfys biggest, craziest monster movie yet!

Screw Sharktopus. Frak Mansquito. This Saturday, Syfy has a planet-sized kaiju: Behemoth! Also, this week's television is weirdly obsessed with mega-earthquakes. Alyson Hannigan joins The Simpsons. Jeff Bridges meets a flying blow-up doll. Plus Adventure Time, V and Clone Wars.

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Illustration for article titled Behemoth: Syfys biggest, craziest monster movie yet!

Today:

Syfy is having a marathon of Star Trek: The Next Generation all day, breaking only for three Trek movies: Star Trek V, Nemesis, and First Contact.

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The Cartoon Network has its usual Monday night animation bloc tonight — There's a new Adventure Time with Finn and Jake at 8 PM, a new Regular Show at 8:15 and a new Robotomy at 8:45.

Even though The Cape is going to be airing on Monday nights usually, because the first two episodes just aired last night, there's no new episode tonight — the third episode airs a week from tonight.

Tuesday:

For those of us who've never really watched the original Green Hornet TV series, Syfy is doing us a huge favor — they're marathoning episodes of it all day from 10 AM to 11 PM. Bone up before the Seth Rogen movie opens this coming weekend!

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At 8 PM, ABC has a new No Ordinary Family, "No Ordinary Brother":

Jim's wayward brother, Mike (Jason Wiles), makes a surprise visit to the Powell household and discovers the family has powers. But in an attempt to make some quick cash, he tries to convince JJ to using his abilities to win big by betting on the horses.

Meanwhile, in a surprise twist, Katie is given a promotion at Global Tech by Human Resources VP Victoria Morrow (Rebecca Mader), who may be hiding a secret agenda, and Daphne is placed on the school's peer disciplinary committee and believes a student may have been wrongly accused of possessing drugs.

Also at 8 PM in most markets, PBS has a new Nova, "World's Deadliest Earthquakes."

And at 9 PM, there's a new V, featuring the scene you've been waiting for since this remake of the 1980s alien show first launched. (We already teased it this morning.) Here are five clips:

Wednesday:

Another Star Trek: TNG marathon on Syfy, this time just during the day.

Since he's been such an important part of science fiction movies lately, it's worth mentioning the PBS tribute to Jeff Bridges, The Dude Abides, airing at 8 PM in most markets.

And at 9 PM, the History Channel has a two-hour special, 10.0 Megaquake, about really big earthquakes. (Should we be getting nervous that all the science porn this week is about earthquakes? Do they know something we don't?)

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Thursday:

Still more Star Trek: TNG marathon on Syfy, followed by Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home and Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country.

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At 8 PM, the National Geographic Channel has a new episode of Naked Science, about "Solar-Powered Flight."

And at 10 PM, the History Channel has another Brad Meltzer's Decoded, focusing on "Secret Societies."

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Friday:

Yet more Star Trek: TNG marathon on Syfy during the day, and then another airing of The Undisco Country in the early evening.

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At 7 PM, the Cartoon Network has the second half of the pilot of Young Justice, which you probably already saw back in November during the sneak peek airing.

At 8:30 PM, there's a new Star Wars: The Clone Wars, "Monster," also on the Cartoon Network.

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At 10 PM, Syfy has the second episode of Merlin's third season, "The Tears of Uther Pendragon."

With the help of the Great Dragon, Merlin manages to return to Camelot only to find out that is it on the verge of invasion: Morgause and Cenred have teamed up and plot against a weakened Uther. Cenred's initial reluctance is won over by the fact that they count on an ally within Camelot walls who will ensure the castle is taken.

Uther is unable to rule which forces Arthur to step up front and defend the citadel agains Cenred's powerful army. With the help of Morgause and to make things worse, Morgana plays a deadly card and summons a skeleton army to wreak havoc within the castle walls. Camelot's fate rests once again on Arthur's shoulders and Merlin's magic as they fight in their own way to hold off both an army of the living and an army of the dead. Will they manage to succeed?

Saturday:

Syfy brings us another massive original movie. You can tell this one's huge because it's called "Behemoth."

Scientists discover a giant creature under the Earth that is wrapped around the entire planet. When the creature wakes all grumpy, it causes worldwide destruction. The movie stars Ed Quinn (Eureka and True Blood).

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That's at 9 PM, and here's the trailer:

Also at 9 PM: the third episode of Primeval season four, airing on BBC America.

A mysterious group come through an anomaly in a theatre, unknowingly followed by deadly tree creatures. As they attempt to escape, Matt inadvertently brings one of the group – Emily - back against her will. She promises to help him find the creature, in return for going back through the anomaly. In a frantic chase through the city, they track the creature down, only to discover the anomaly has closed, leaving Emily stranded.

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Here's a fairly spoilery video:

Sunday:

Syfy is showing werewolf movies all day long, including a repeat of its Red: Werewolf Hunter starring Felicia Day.

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Another new Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Mortals airs at 10 AM, "Come the Conqueror."

Kang attacks Earth with a fleet of ships from the future and the Avengers try to assemble an army to stop the invasion.

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Fox's Sunday night animation starts early, with a new American Dad, "Fart-Break Hotel," at 7:30 PM. That's followed by a new Simpsons, "Flaming Moe" — in which Alyson Hannigan, aka Willow, guest stars. (That's her in the nerd glasses, romancing Bart. Kristen Wiig is the woman in the green tanktop, inexplicably romancing Principal Skinner.) There's a new Bob's Burgers at 8:30, a new Family Guy at 9:00, and a new Cleveland Show at 9:30.

Illustration for article titled Behemoth: Syfys biggest, craziest monster movie yet!
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And finally, at 11:45, there's a new Robot Chicken, "Terms of Endaredevil."

Source: Futon Critic, TV Guide

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DISCUSSION

I'm ashamed to say I'll watch Behemoth. I already feel dirty.

Does SyFy have a lack of objective focus groups? Seriously...don't they think it would be in their best interest to pass the crappy dialog and the stereotyped characters past people who will tell the truth about how bad it is BEFORE it hits the airwaves?

Stereotypes I'm sick to death of:

* Hero: chiseled tough guy with 5 o'clock shadow and vacuous dialog.

* Hero's main squeeze: Damsel in distress who is always hot and also has vacuous dialog.

* Nerd: The only real smart guy who looks weak, skinny/obese and has a nervous disorder. All nerds can crack military grade encryption by randomly cycling through some text like a combination lock.

(Nerd update: All 2000 nerds are updated to include trendy clothes and hair)

* Crazy guy: Old, gaunt and funny looking. Crazy guy can see the future but no one believes him.