All Stills: CW

Betty’s mom is really terrible at her job. Not only is Riverdale’s resident media mogul using The Riverdale Register to service her propaganda machine against the Southside Serpents, bringing the town on the brink of civil war, but apparently she thinks a man curing cancer isn’t worth a goddamn cover story.

During last week’s episode of Riverdale, “Chapter Eighteen: When a Stranger Calls,” we see Veronica’s mom Hermione Lodge (Marisol Nichols) reading the morning paper to her husband, angry about how Alice Cooper (Mädchen Amick) is screwing up their development plans by proselytizing everyone against the Southside of Riverdale. The big flashy cover story is all about how a Northside teenager was stabbed by a Southside Serpent—in a mutually agreed-upon fight, stopped only by Hermione’s daughter firing a gun, but that’s beside the point. What’s really important is the article that was pushed to the sidebar to make way for Alice’s crusade.

“Local Man Cures Cancer”

Some Riverdale fans on Reddit pointed out this little tidbit, understandably surprised that apparently more people care about some kid getting a knife in the leg than about something that could literally save millions of people around the world (the headline is also inside the paper). No word which local man changed the course of history as we know it, but my money’s on Dr. Steven Masters—meaning not only did he save Archie’s dad’s life by pulling out the bullet, but he’s also saved about 40-percent of the human population.

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Fake newspapers with weird headlines is a common trope in movies and television. Sometimes they’re done for laughs, like how in Back to the Future II people care more about Marty Junior going to jail than (again!) a possible cure for cancer. Other times it’s a goof or pure laziness, like the famous recycled newspaper prop that’s been seen in countless shows and films. I don’t really know what situation explains the other weird Alice headline I found on Page Three as Hermione frustratingly puts down the newspaper that’s ruining her husband’s career.

“A Hair Cut on the Streets...”

...but a perm job in the sheets?

Man, someone really needs to shut The Riverdale Register down.