American Horror Story: Coven is by far and away my favorite AHS yet, and there hasn't even been a single dance number yet. Well, unless you count the Stevie Nicks witch and her little twirly twirls. Either way, it's almost impossible to watch this show and not start immediately clawing at your face. Because it never stops, ever. Spoilers ahead...

First up, dear Christ Jessica Lange flashback. That's right, a Jessica Lange flashback. Tonight we see how she became supreme: by killing the old supreme. And saying "supreme," A LOT. Supreme, Supreme, Supreme! I truly hope we get to visit the rest of the Supreme portraits now that we've met Anna-Lee, the witch before Fiona. That little flapper girl's portrait is entirely too good not to get her own little tragic "we sexed then we died" flashback.


Meanwhile (back in the here and now), nobody is getting what they want. Fiona finds out she can't have plastic surgery, Cordelia can't have a child (Oh My Goodness how amazing was Angela Bassett's alligator throne), Zoe can't have her boyfriend back all the way, and Madame LaLaurie (who can't die) is seen screaming at the "magic box" because Obama is president because of course she is. Madison doesn't get to have sex with the boy next door (Nice blue dress there, lady. How the director found the self control to not blast "Devil in a Blue Dress" I will never know). And, of course, by trying to force their will onto others, it will all only end in bloody, humping tears.

And somewhere, Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk were perched indian-style on a fantastic Room & Board rug, meditating. Together they spoke only via telekinetic mind meld, and they had only one thought. It's not gay enough. Enter Patti Lupone.


I mean SERIOUSLY. I've already ripped out my own beating heart straight from my chest and held it up to the TV as tribute, but THIS? SERIOUSLY? I cannot take it. It's like they were making a spoof of a spoof of a spoof of their own show. There was nothing left for me to do but cut into my own side, and twist out my right kidney—then leave it in a little porcelain bowl in front of the TV, an offering of thanks to Falchuk and Murphy.

Patti Lupone is the bitchy Bible thumper next door... still not sure what she's doing here but excited to be a part of it all.

Let's see what's next—oh, Zoe. So Zoe takes Kyle home to his Mom, thus interrupting Stevie Nicks time with Misty. Honestly, I could have watched this whole scene for an hour. Can there please be an entire extended edition to the DVDs (or whatever people have these days) that is Stevie Nicks talking about Stevie Nicks and witch craft while the witch is talking about Steive Nicks' craft?


Misty and her witchy rock-and-roll obsession has me hooked, as does the way she deals with disappointment, by twirling it out. But Kyle had to go back to his pot-smoking, face-pierced Mama—who sexually molests him, because of course she does.

Remember, this is a show that premiered it very first episode with an adult male tugging on his dick and weeping. No sexual taboo stone unturned. Old me would be surprised that I wasn't shocked by this truly gross family abuse. But old me hadn't seen American Horror Story yet. So there's that. Woof. I think we can all agree it was great when the Frankenstein Frat boy killed her.


Back at the bitchy witch factory, Queenie has sex with the Minotaur, which was also disturbing. Why would Queenie want to have sex with a Minotaur? No, seriously? By all accounts, she appears to be a hot-tempered stereotype (much like a lot of the characters on these shows) and I don't really see the connection. Frankly, this was disappointing at best. I'm not enjoying the way this character has been handled. And I find it quite the stretch to assume that Queenie the virgin would immediately start rubbing herself to seduce the Minotaur. Clearly, this is for later on down the road when Queenie gets knocked up with the Minotaur's child, but still it was way out of left field. Even for this series.

Then there's the climax. Curious about Madison's new powers. Fiona takes her out under the guise of finding a new mentee to spew smoke at and flip hair with. Side note: WHY NOT ME?


But like the copious amounts of booze they are both drinking, it all goes south. Fiona takes her home, slits her throat and delivers this killer line:

Did she mean to kill her? Maybe? Maybe not. I think Fiona's grip on reality is slipping and the only thing she wants right here, right now, is to be the Taco Supreme.


Gif via fassyy and beyoncebeytwice.