American Horror Story Burns A Witch Down

Illustration for article titled American Horror Story Burns A Witch Down

Witch burnings, or just another excuse to trot out a new collection of fabulous, black headwear? Seriously can we talk about American Horror Story's collection of hats already?


Sorry this review is late, the computer ate my dingo baby, or something. You know how it is these days. So let's get to it. This was kind of another filler episode. But again, even when American Horror Story is bad, it's great (TAKE NOTES ONCE UPON A TIME).

So let's get into this. What did we learn? Well, we learned that Kathy Bates was both a horrible bitch to her slaves, and to her children...


Why was this revealed? Was this just another excuse to climb back into the torture attic and roll out the terrible torture porn and rotting flesh from her menagerie of bloody slaves? I was good on the whole LaLaurie is a bad person idea. Nevertheless, here we find ourselves again. Watching this woman turn her evil eye onto her spawn.

Illustration for article titled American Horror Story Burns A Witch Down

At first, I thought this backstory was created in order to humanize the rotting corpses witch adversary Marie Laveau yanked out of the ground. It's a clever twist, turning your own undead children against you. But alas, the zombie folk were quickly disposed of by Zoe and a chainsaw. No hate on the chainsawing; that was great. I just didn't find a connection to the entire zombie act. We've seen this before.

Perhaps American Horror Story desperately wants us to sympathize with LaLaurie. Was I supposed to feel pain for her as she drove a spike through her undead daughter's back? Sorry, that's going to be impossible you put people in cages, shoved shit in their mouths, and sewed them shut. There will be no redemption for you here. No matter how kind you are to Queenie LaLaurie.


Thankfully, American Horror Story is so much more than cheap ploys for love from undead girls. Because after the whole zombie story is said and done, LaLaurie turns to Fiona and says, "Maybe our shared tragedies will bring us closer together." To which Fiona retorts, "I doubt it. You are, after all, the maid." FUCK YEAH, FIONA.

What we did learn from this whole walker kerfuffle is that Zoe is CLEARLY the new Supreme. And is much stronger than anyone anticipated... interesting.


Moving on. The other (much more interesting) plot line was the burning of the red-headed witch Myrtle Snow. Who was caught LITERALLY red-handed with acid on her hands in front of the Coven, thus connecting her to the blinding and disfiguring of Cordelia. Verdict: BURN THE WITCH.

How terribly awesome was watching Fiona flip the shit out on Myrtle in front of the Coven?


Alas, IT WAS ALL A RUSE. Fiona faked caught with your hand in the acid jar with the help of Queenie. So if that was Fiona fake mad, I cannot wait to see her mad, mad. This is going to be fantastic.


So everyone dresses up in their best black hoods and hats (loving Queenie's hood here) and heads off to the official witch burning station, which was cleverly prepared with gravel so only the post and the victim would burn. This show thinks of everything. Myrtle gives up her long battle with being the odd one out, but not before giving a heartbreaking speech about being a loaner within the only place she ever felt she belonged (it was sad).

And Fiona lights the fire off of her cigarette. BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE DOES.

Illustration for article titled American Horror Story Burns A Witch Down

The end, but not really because Stevie Witch shows up and brings Myrtle back to life. Because that's what she does. Remaining thoughts:

  • We still don't know who the real culprit was behind the acid throwing. I want to say it's someone looking for vengeance. Possibly one of Cordelia Foxx's husband's victims or someone related to one of his victims. What's the deal with him anyway? His whole role is completely *wildly gestures hand in the air* style.
  • Queenie thinks she's the Supreme. We all know who the real Supreme is. Anyone kind of bummed it wasn't Nan?
  • Speaking of Nan, my money is next week Nan and whats-his-face get some quality screen time.
  • Holy shit, that scene where Fiona brings back the baby? WHAT WAS THAT?

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Insignificant Yet Irritating Problem: Zombie Edition

The zombie thing was pretty much a romp through Romero, Raimi and Kirkman land, but did anyone else notice just how in tact those corpses were for being somewhere between 50-to-200-years-old? I'm no forensic pathologist, but I'm pretty sure bodies don't tend to hold up quite that well, especially in a place like New Orleans where they can't be buried deep or at all. They still have in-tact skin on their faces. Hell, Madison's rotting body in Spalding's trunk is fast approaching the same condition as Boquita, who died about 180 years before Madison.

It's a stupid gripe, but we're so inundated with zombie chic these days that it's hard not to reflect on that when AHS decides to do their version of Thriller in our faces.

Insignificant Yet Irritating Problem: Men Edition

This show seems to have a problem with men as fully-developed characters. Fiona is a goddam kaleidoscope of angles, but the male characters are reduced to simplistic cyphers.

  • Kyle has been turned into a thoughtless, wreckless monster who just moans and wrecks;
  • Spalding is a mute slave who plays Jame Gumb's Tea Party when he's not being a silent servant;
  • Luke is a Christian cut-out and just the object of desire;
  • Bastien has his head replaced with a bull's and he's turned into little more than a collection of animalistic urges;
  • Quentin is Truman Capote from Murder By Death;
  • Hank is not all too different from the frat boys at the beginning of the series, and only thinks with his dick.

It's strange, because they can clearly write developed and interesting characters, but they seem to really be going out of their way to dump on the male characters and make them as flat as possible, with personality descriptions that'd fit on a matchbook. Maybe something about the power of aging women through witchcraft requires ludicrously underdeveloped male characters.

Stevie Nicks is the next Supreme.