Last night, we learned so many things on American Horror Story. So many, in fact, that I'm worried we may have run out of things to discover inside this overstuffed "murder house." But for now lets just celebrate one quality Constance flashback, complete with a de-aged Jessica Lange.


American Horror Story started off like it always does โ€” with a MURDER! But this time, the bloodshed was actually emotionally relevant for the for the audience. Progress! We began in the 80s, when little maid Moira was still alive. The sultry red head starts fixin' her bosses bedding, when in comes the boss, and he just up and rapes her. Then Constance gets her big Dynasty moment. Silver pistol in hand the newly de-aged actress pumps one bullet right in Moira's eye (ah ha!) and a couple of slugs into her cheating husbands chest. Her farewell, a cold hearted, "I loved you since I was 16. You broke my heart for the last time." Then Constance crumples onto the lifeless corpse of her unfaithful husband, like a boss. Let's just call this the Constance Show and be done with it.

But alas, we are forced to spend more time with the Harmons. Ben and his wife are bickering about yet another Ben lie. Vivien's discovered that the family is basically broke. So let's round this up: Ben is a cheater, he lied to his wife about going home to get his pregnant allegedly ex-mistress an abortion, he lied about their finances, and he has yet to tell anyone about the magical burn victim that is chasing him throughout LA. What a guy โ€” I really hope he makes it through the end of the season...

Anyways blah, blah... Ben is terrible, and the show is tricking you into thinking that Vivo knows about Ben's pregnant girlfriend, but it turns out it's just the finances lie that they're arguing about. Deep inside we all know that Ben's crazy philandering ginger (hey, wait we see what you did there, AMS) is coming back. It's that old Chekhov rule โ€” if you show a pregnant mistress ready for an abortion in the first act, her vagina must fire out a baby by the final act. And back she comes, complete with her own set of WOWZERS extreme closeups every time she steps into the frame. I'm sure it was all the writers could do not to get Ginger Girlfriend to tilt her head and say, "I mean, I'm not gonna be ignored, Dan, er Ben!" So yes she's basically Fatal Attraction โ€” because once a man puts a baby in us you know us women just go baby crazy!


Ben is doing a lot of damage control after the horrors that happened to his wife and daughter last week. He even tries the Cool Dad route, not narking on Violet for smoking cigarettes. Good parenting! Then asks Violet to get some help to deal with what happened to her last week. This is actually great advice and I'm very VERY impressed with the way AMS has asked both Violet and Vivo to get help. Yes. Good. Get help, it's out there.

Ghost Tate pops up and makes this face.


Speaking of ghosts, what's the deal with Moira? So we now know that she slept with Constance's husband (because she was lonely, which is supposed to be some sort of bone thrown at the audience so we feel bad for her eternal damnation into the murder house) and then she almost gets raped, and is murdered by Constance. Is Moira now eternally doomed to parade around in a Halloween French Maid costume? She's the one coming on to Ben, right? And yet later on the old version of Moira states that women can see the true soul of people, i.e. the not slutty Moira?

I'm just not sure why she needs to keep seducing Ben, what's the motivation? Not that I didn't love her disenchanted retort to Ben's accusatory, "Hey you drugged me." โ€” "Prove it" โ€” and yes, the garters are hot, but what's the point? I wish we could spend more time with weepy old Moira and Constance because these two together are a powerhouse of fine acting. Especially when Constance almost gleefully whispers in Moira's ghost ear that "now she's trapped here forever" when the Harmons build that awful Gazebo over her secret grave. Moira and the basement abortionist appear to be the only ghosts we haven't fully unraveled just yet, and I'm eagerly awaiting answers.


And can we all conclude that even though Constance is great, she's not really a character but rather a hodgepodge collection of stereotypical gay icons?

But wait! There are even MORE GHOSTS in the murder house! Vivo takes the Hollywood murder tour or something, which blasts off with a old timey hate crime flashback presumably to show an attractive man in 50s gear (there is no other real reason for this flashback). I can't fault Vivian for taking this tour โ€” I would have as well. On her trip, she discovers that the doctor who built their home back in the 1920s was became a ether-snorting psycho with a Frankenstein complex. Cue the hilarious scene where the Doctor screams at his wife for interrupting him while he was stitching two dead pigs heads together (hence the jars in the titles). Turns out the Doc is broke, and his wife wants him to pay off their bills buy performing illegal abortions in their basement. YIKES.


Cut to flashbacks of the wife drugging girls and hurling them into the little shop of Abortions. It's awful and horrible and made me wince and cross my legs in terror. Gross. But before Vivian can find out what really happened down there to all those girls, she starts bleeding down there as well. My guess: he turned all the poor fetuses into something vile? Or killed a bunch of girls? Whatever it is we're sure that it has something to do with the white "old man" dog that lives in the basement and scratched the bully's noggin in the pilot.

But I guess we'll have to wait to find out more about that. Ben continues being terrible and Moira tells him she's hidden things in her breasts for him. *Shrugs* But then something truly special happens Ginger Girlfriend gets stood up and she's NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT. Cue the burned man Denis O'Hare, and a shovel. Denis bops Ginger on the head and into the ground she goes! Problem solved.

Now Ben is a murderer, the evil Abortionist's wife is hanging out in their home, and there's a brand new gazebo in the house of 1,000 ghosts. Does this mean that Ginger girl can haunt both Vivian and Ben? What about Constance's murdered husband โ€” why hasn't he shown up yet?


American Horror Story continues to be a highly watchable, without any distinguishable plot or direction. But it doesn't matter, I'm going to keep on watching because while there are clearly too many ghosts in this show, they're the best part of the series. Plus I want to see what Burned Man does next week now that Ben really owes him a big favor. I could do without a lot of Violet's life lessons and Ben's lying, but if we have to get through them to get more Moira and Constance, so be it. Let's just hope they haven't revealed too much about this duo already, I want to keep being surprised, please.