If you're not watching The Witches of East End, I wouldn't say you're missing out, exactly. Sometimes, the show's a veritable cornucopia of ridiculous, over-the-top bits that are a delightful way to spend an hour. Sometimes, though, the show wanders and spins it wheels and attempts boring romance that is a waste of time. The season 2 finale was both those things.
First of all, an apology: I was out of town all weekend, so I couldn't watch or recap. And then I discovered that the finale was a two-hour extravaganza. Honestly, it was so long, I had to take breaks.
If there was a coherent plot this season, I can't really tell you about it. For all its bad points, season one had a single villain and spent the whole season moving towards her defeat. This season should have focused on Joanna and Wendy's evil Asgard king father and defeating him. But we had to keep wandering off on tangents about Killian, Eva, and Freya's love triangle and Dash and Ingrid covering up murders. Neither of which was related to the evil king, who didn't even show up until the last few episodes.
Instead of a plot recap, here are all the ridiculous things in those two-hours, in order of how pants-shittingly insane they are:
Killian Is Edgar Allan Poe
This one would be higher, be we technically learned it in the last episode. It's so bananas, though, that I laughed every single time he walked on screen. And then harder at his accent.
Killian lies dying because he voluntarily drank poison so he could be with Freya
Haha, Killian. You were the last person anyone bothered to tell that the sisters weren't dead. Also, Ingrid gets him something to delay his death while she figures out something to do, but he drops the bottle. Oh, Killian. It's like you're not even trying.
The outfits Joanna, Freya, and Wendy wear to "blend in" with the past
Just robes thrown over their 2014 garb. Also, Freya's been in her burial dress for a long time now.
Grandpa the pregnancy test
Yeah, grandpa's all "you're pregnant."
Edgar Allan Poe: Master of Seduction
The FBI agent having sex with her murder suspect.
Is this the standard interrogation technique?
The spell to read the missing information out of Dash's head
So after putting back together the evil spell journals that they burned earlier this season, Dash promising not to read them, him reading them, and then losing them to the FBI agent (probably), they have to resort to this. Frederick pulling the info from Dash's memories, saying the spells out loud, and Ingrid translating them all and crossing them off the list.
These butterfingers letting the evil spirit loose
I'm so glad 2 and half episodes were devoted to getting this thing. Now it's possessed Tarkoff and you can't use it against the evil king.
How they wrote Frederick out
Bet that's not foreshadowing anything.
Apparently, Freya and Wendy gave this man a message for Ingrid in the 1800s. Which he carried for two centuries. How? Why? Who knows? Never explained.
The "dire" and "awful" effects of time traveling for too long
The money for this episode must have all gone to the effects and period sets and costumes. Because this was supposed to be the worst thing that could happen, and it was just some blood smeared on them.
Ingrid being sealed up in the wall
Grandpa isn't messing around.
Wendy giving up her last life for the sexy EMT
We spent like FIVE MINUTES with this guy and we may lose WENDY over him? FUCK EVERYTHING.
Yeah, Ingrid's pregnant
Why take a test, you had grandpa tell you. Also, is it the blue tentacle monster or Dash that's the father?
Freya's kiss brings Killian back to life
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He was dead! I was free of this stupid plotline! *weeps*
Dash and Killian switch bodies
Dash gets arrested for that murder he totally committed. So he decides to get out of jail by switching bodies with Killian. This is the only thing that takes the sting out of Killian being alive. Since now Dash is pretending to be Killian and in love with Freya. So I'm betting Ingrid's baby is his, just to draw out the weirdness of Dash having to be around but pretend it has nothing to do with him.
Almost all the best parts of the finale had nothing really to do with the main plot of defeating the evil king. Instead, they set up some lovely bits of ridiculous to be tackled next season, assuming they get one: the pregnancy, switched bodies, whoever killed Frederick, Wendy's death, Tarkoff being possessed — these are all for later.
It would be nice for season three to be non-stop weirdness. As opposed to this season's boredom with brief forays into the lovely insanity I loved in season 1.