Alien Torture Porn Is The Only Good Part Of Torchwood

This scene from last night's Torchwood almost made me puke and cry, it was that good. The whole business with the callous humans abusing yet another alien visitor for financial gain was incredibly well done, and really horrifying. It was one of the best examples of a humans-are-the-real-monsters story ever. Unfortunately, the other half of the episode was Torchwood at its rock-bottom worst. Click through for spoilers.

I'll stick to the Torchwood recap checklist I've been using, even though the show continues to be way less sexy and gay than it used to be. All of that space has been filled with idiotic drama, so I guess it's a fair trade-off.

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Was there a plot? Yes, and it was awesome. Basically, these evil dudes have gotten hold of an alien space whale and they're cutting chunks of meat off it. The thing grows so quickly, and regenerates itself so fast, they can keep slicing it up forever without killing it. But it's in horrible pain and they have to keep giving it more and more sedatives. The creature looks really impressive, right until the end when it starts rampaging and suddenly looks like a muppet.

The naughtiness: The bit where Captain Jack hits on Rhys' secretary was actually pretty awesome. "Do you need a trucking license? I can go long distances..." Ha ha ha. If only that was all Captain Jack ever did, making sexy innuendo, this would be my favorite show.

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How gay was it? If you have to tell us something is homoerotic, it just isn't. That should be rule number one, enforced by a bitchy drag queen with a cat-o-nine-tails. So the whole sequence where Jack and Rhys argue automatically loses what little gayness it might have had. Oh, and there may have been a a few glances between Jack and Ianto.

Who gets laid? Nobody, I think.

The drama: Ugh. The pain. I felt as though I was having psychic chunks carved off me by a man in a yellow helmet, every time Gwen screamed at Rhys or Jack. There was just too much screaming in this episode, and it felt as though everybody was Acting as hard as they could. Oh, and that business where Gwen says there's only one sexy man around, as far as she's concerned? And then she kisses Rhys while staring psycho-killerishly at Jack? Eww. Oh, and let's just pretend all the Toshi-flirts-with-oblivious-Owen stuff just didn't happen. This would have been such a great episode if it hadn't had any of the Torchwood people in it.

Will the kid-friendly edited version make sense to anybody? I can't possibly imagine how. The whole plot is guaranteed to make a kid's hair fall out.

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I was also pretty confused about the weird Toshiko-throwing-herself-at-Owen part. Isn't she supposed to be getting over frozen-ww2-dude right now? "Here, I made you a sandwich!" [Because I'm a prepubescent school girl who's idiotic strategy is to win men through cheese.]

Jesus. Yeah, I have no idea why Russell Davis wants the show to be such a blatant fuck-fest. It ruins any actual sci-fi they have left.

This all skirts the fact that apparently the Torchwood team is INSTANTLY, (and I mean INSTANTLY because the truck was still smoking) car accident with some "weird meat" when they had no clue that the world's biggest alien had come through the rift.

Whatever alerting system they have, it's /really/ mis-prioritized.