The second episode of True Blood's third season was pretty heavy. Lots and lots of plot lines and new characters almost drowned the special Nazi vampire reveal. Almost, but not quite. Spoilers ahead.

Whew, this episode had a ton of junk in it. All of it was delightfully insane, but it was damn near impossible to keep up with. Thankfully, no matter how crazy things got, Eric's hungry vampire libido found a way to cut through the bullshit and hit you right where it matters most. In your crotch.


Pro: Some news: True Blood was renewed for a fourth season! Thank goodness our lives will all continue to have meaning.

Pro: Right where we left off from last week, Bill is ripping off the ears of werewolves with his teeth! Ah, Bill you maniac, you.


Con: Apparently when a werewolf gets injured, he turns back into a naked man, completely devoid of body hair. One wonders if the "Fuck You Crew" is getting discount rates at the local Mississippi waxing shoppe? Call me crazy, but I feel like the werewolves should have more hair besides their well groomed beards. Who knows, maybe there's some sort of Nair Clause in the True Blood contract.

Pro: Still the hairlessness makes for some sleek carnage. And oh THE CARNAGE. Sweet, sweet naked bloody-stumped, manly waxed behinds and chest carnage.


Con: Have we seen any True Boobs besides Yvetta? Hmmm the naked True Blood ratio is getting slightly out of whack. Still naked bloody male porn carnage is never a bad thing.

Pro: "You're next," mutters bloody Vampire Bill. Aw, we love it when you act the bad-ass, William.

Pro: Bill makes a funny little joke!

Con: Bill's little joke face.


Pro: The King of Mississippi's delightful/creepy demeanor and riding ensemble.

Pro: When the King shoots a werewolf in the head it makes a little yip noise. Oh, of course it does.

Pro: Bill has to ride on the King's horse with him. RIDE, white pony of vampire man-love, RIDE!


Con: WHAT IS LAFAYETTE DOING? Stop trying to save Tara right now. Does she not realize the everyone's life sucks in this town sucks? I'm all for her being miserable, but lets do it in a way that doesn't make the audience miserable as well. Tara's even swallowing pills, throwing up, and yelling about not going to the hospital in the most awful way ever. Nooohahahoohoo waah no gurlble glub. Just let it happen, True Blood.

Pro: Lafayette's fuck-you face to Tara's mom. Also points for this line, "You've failed this girl for the last time. Now get the fuck out of my way!"


Pro: Jessica's inappropriate excitement over the Nazi werewolves. Me too, Jessica.


Con: Sookie asks Eric, "You think I'm that stupid?" Yes. Yes. 1,000 times yes. Has she not seen seasons one and two? You have awful decision making skills, Sookie.

Pro: Eric's slowly becoming much more "considerate" towards Sookie, but he's still handling himself in a completely dick-ish manner. Already he's slowly turning into some sort of magnetic sex monster that unhooks your bra while carrying your groceries.

Pro: Pam puts on lipstick like this:

Pro: Pam is having what I'm assuming is the vampire "birds and bees" talk with Jessica, or the "now you're a woman" talk. Either way, adorable. I'd watch a Pam/Jessica spin-off.


Con: This nice moment is getting completely trumped by Fangtasia's bathroom mural. What the hell is going on in there?

Pro: Eric cleavage.


Pro: "Please don't do that, it makes me feel disturbingly human."

Pro: Historical Vampire Flashbacks!

Pro: Godric and Eric are SS, oh of course they are. And of course True Blood makes the point to say that they're not REALLY in the SS, just the outfits. Nazi werewolves and vampires!


Pro: The King's security team of of male clubbers from 2001.

Pro: Everything Talbot! His hair, robe, attitude, a bit of chest hair for once, and how he says "FUUking Werewolves."


Pro: Lafaytette's dashboard.

Pro: As much as I dislike Tara, I like her zombie line, "the one time in my life I thought I was happy, I was a fucking zombie." And it should be said that Lafayette's Buddhist name-checking "life is suffering" retort was stellar.


Pro: Hoyt

...Someone has been doing some exercising. Not that he needed it. Sure we all want to have dark lair sex for 6 hours with Eric, but Hoyt is marriage material.


Pro: Every time Hoyt shows up he has gifts. Because Hoyt does everything right. Take notes.

Pro: Jessica is KILLING me by pushing him away, he loves you so much! What are you doing, you love him too! But blah blah, story, we understand etc. I'm so much more emotionally involved with this couple than any other on the show. They wreck me. Watching Jessica forcefully "shut the door" on her relationship with Hoyt. then slink back into the "closet" to lay in the "bed she made" next to a rotting corpse might be a tad over the top, both in practically and metaphorically. But damn if these two don't make it work.

Con: Sookie asking Jason what he's doing eating HER chicken in the dark? Wha? But it's good that he's there, she needed the brotherly shoulder to cry on.


Pro: Jason's Santa line. Plus his face when he asked. Seriously Ryan Kwanten just dedicates himself to this character. It's so nice to watch an actor attack these lines in a way that would most likely come across as cheesy coming from anyone else. He doesn't feel the need to do the old wink and nod to the camera, reminding everyone that he's actually quite clever. Just total dedication. Also we'll give Sookie's "Suuuuukie" some credit. It was cute, just don't do it again. That's ours.

Pro: Sam's long-lost family is a carnival cavalcade of trashiness. Points for the crack-hued flop-sweat mist they sprayed all over Sam's tighty whitied father. Enjoy it while it last, methinks this "look how trashy Sam's family is" will get real old real fast.


Pro: Terry and Sookie track a werewolf. Terry gives Sookie a gun, which she then puts in the crotch of her XXS tight-as-hell Merlotte's shorts, you know because that's where you put guns while you're waiting tables. Yes clearly you are "that blond."

Pro: Even though True Blood is starting to get weighted down by this excess of new characters, when they are Ruby and Jesus the gorgeous nurse bathed in holy light, I'm okay with it. Jesus and Lafayette, it's happening.


Pro: Ruby calling her son a fag and then waving hello to him.

Con: Andy holds a press conference and there are more than 3 reporters there....hmmmm.


Con: Second scene with Sam's family and already we're buried in stereotypical things poor white people do. Sitting in their underwear next to Budweiser bottles, maybe drinking, smoking with the front door open. Also this scene ushers in what I'm assuming will be the next ridiculous beat to death plot: Everyone Hates Tommy!

Con: Remember when women used to take off their tops in True Blood?


Con: Tommy tries to kill Sam with a falcon puppy switcheroo, because Everyone Hates Tommy!

Con: Meanwhile back at Bill's pad someone breaks, but all we see are their boots, but the big discovery is that Bill is a bit of a pedo/perv...


Pro: Historical Vampire Flashbacks Part Deux.

Con: When Eric gives the Nazi werewolf some of his "sacred" blood the werewolf girl makes nom nom nom noises.

Con: As exciting as this whole "Eric and Godric Road To Germany" special is, I'm not sure it warranted two parts, or really explained anything at all. We know that the King controls the Fuck You Crew so vampires control werewolves, some of them. And we learned from the iphone app that they were Nazis so... Ah who am I kidding it's Eric and Godric in SS suits. Wacky.


Con: Eric goes to Sookie's home and states, "You're going to invite me in so I can protect you, or have passionate primal sex with you." The answer is sex. For the love of Christ say "primal sex please." Jesus move out of the way, idiot girl. ERIC, WE PICK SEX. OVER HERE, THE SEX PLEASE.

Pro: The Dinner. As I stated before everything Talbot is wonderful. The courses at this fancy vampire dinner were hilarious.

Dinner By Talbot

First course: "Chilled carbonated blood. Cruelty free, all willingly donated. Note the citrus-y finish? This one ate only tangerines for weeks."


Second course: "Carlo bring me that thai boy." Sadly we never found out what it was.

Third course: "Warm blood bisque infused with rose petals" meal.


Dessert: Blood Gelato

Con: While the meal was hilarious, the conversation was beyond dull. How do you make a conversation about vampire queens and kings boring? But clearly, Vampire politics is a snooze. It only got interesting when Talbot interjected that the vampire Queen of Louisiana is "as mad as a monkey on a trike [??] and she has been for centuries." But was chastised by the King. I wonder how he's going to feel about the King's marriage proposal, or if he even knows, as the King waited to mention is until Talbot was gone. And that is as much as I care about the relations between Vampire Mississippi and Vampire Louisiana.


Pro: Terry tells Arlene why he's a great man for her, one of the reasons is he raised a baby armadillo named Felix, who sleeps under his bed. I would also watch a show starring Terry and Felix.

Pro: The owner of the "Bill's a pedo" boots strolls into Merlottes. Lookey here, it's Franklin Mott! Sex. Awesome for us. But unfortunately for him, he has to talk to depressed Tara.


Con: Mott asks if Tara was a waitress, because no one but Lafayette is currently doing any work at Merlottes, and she corrects him, "I'm a bartender." Mott asks, "What are you doing here?" Tara replies, "honestly trying to not kill myself." JESUS. I would have got up and left immediately. Yeeeesh. Tara is just a nightmare of a human being, awful dead boyfriend or not.

Pro: Mott is turned on by punching, oh of course he is.

Pro: Lorena, who is THE BEST, pops in and Bill immediately sets her on fire, oh my goodness. Delightful! Someone please make a gif out of that immediately! Lorena got faced!


Pro: Back on Sookie's porch, Eric senses a wolf at the door. Slamming Sookie up against the wall he demands Sookie to let him in, to which she meekly replies, "Mr. Northman will you please come in." And all of a sudden no one in my house is wearing any pants.


Con: All the other crap that happened in this episode. Alan Ball, there was WAY too much stuff happening to way too many people tonight, between the Andy and Jason catch a meth addict plot line, to Tommy and Sam running around together to the theme of the Dukes of Hazards, it was too, too much.

Until next week!

[Historical Vampire Flashbacks Joke via Mr. Peter Smith]