Last night on The Event, we learned many things that we already knew, watched people not tell each other things, and saw that President Martinez has really weird bondage dreams about Sophia. Narrative train wrecks and spoilers ahead!

Let's just get the bulk of the episode out of the way by enumerating . . .

Things we were told that we already knew

President Martinez was briefed in a 60-page document about how Thomas busted out of Inostranka, which we got to hear about in boring detail in a scene that mirrored his long, boring dream at the start of the episode. Except instead of what happened in his dream, where the chief of staff held hands with the Army guy and told Martinez that he was weak and then Martinez played bondage games with Sophia, in real life Martinez yelled at the Army guy for being incompetent and threatened to fire him for not treating the aliens like nuclear missiles. So yay, now everybody knows for the fortieth time that Thomas escaped with his alien prisoner buddies.


Simon tells Sophia that Thomas killed all the prisoners who were loyal to her. Once again, we have to watch reactions to the same news that we've gotten like twice before. FYI, Sophia is sad. In case you were wondering.

Michael and some other aliens told Leila that she's "different" but refused to tell her anything else. I cannot emphasize enough how annoying this scene was.

Sean tells a random friend who makes him a white bread sandwich that he's been "framed" by people who "also tried to kill the president and are experimenting on little girls." Not only had we heard this before, but we've also been through the same fucking scene of somebody responding incredulously to news of the multiple conspiracies. I get it - people think the whole thing sounds crazy. Can we move on now?


Nobody learned anything about anything as usual

I want to slap everybody in a fifty-mile radius of the Event writers' room. There's obviously a buildup of psychic energy all around the producers which is causing them to have narrative arc constipation when it comes to anything other than scenes where people repeat the plot we already knew and then somebody reacts with a "you are totally crazy" face. What I'm saying is that I BLAME SOCIETY for the scene where Michael drops Leila and Sam off with random aliens "for protection" and says "I love you" when Leila asks, "There's something, isn't there?"

And then, in the annoying scene I mentioned earlier, Leila overhears the aliens arguing about whether to support Sophia or Thomas. She busts in and says, "Tell me what's going on - I'm one of you!" The guy replies, "It's your father's place to tell you." WHY? Is there an alien knowledge patriarchy that nobody told us about? Nobody can tell her anything even though she's been through kidnappings and murders and is now being hidden somewhere? It makes no sense! Again, I BLAME SOCIETY. The writers don't actually have an explanation, and it's YOUR FAULT. All we'll get is an endless repetition of the scene where Leila expressionlessly asks for information and is told that only daddy can tell her.


Plus, folks, how bad and important can this difference really be? So she'll probably age more slowly than a regular human, and apparently she'll be able to melt her face and store earbuds in her chin the way Thomas' henchman does. Obviously human DNA and alien DNA is similar enough that she can have children with a human. Could it be that this whole "difference" thing is just a sad ploy to keep us interested in the Most Boring Person Ever? I BLAME SOCIETY. Also, I blame hipsters. And Cthulhu. And porn. And videogames! I'm sure they have something to do with this.

The only well-written line in the episode

Yes, there was a funny line! After Martinez almost fires the Army guy, the chief of staff says, "Jeez I would have shit my pants" or something like that, and the Army guy gets all offended and asks if it's an insult. And chief of staff says, "No, it was supposed to be supportive and self-depreciating, but I guess I misjudged my audience." More of that, please.


Goo face and the uranium heist

To the extent there was any new action in this episode it was an ultra-sneaky con by Thomas and Melty Face, his mystery minion. Why is Melty Face melty? Apparently so that he can hide an earbud in the melty part, and then use that to communicate secretly with Thomas after Sophia and Michael kidnap him and beat him up and squash the alien pustules on the back of his head until he barfs a little snot. So yeah, Sophia kidnaps this guy and Michael beats the shit out of him to prove his loyalty. Sophia is all, "Wow, thanks I totally trust you now, sweaty psycho guy who won't tell his daughter anything and leaves her behind after making her leave her fiancee to be with him."

Melty Face says, "Thomas needs uranium for his portathing so that our people can come here and ambiguous bad things will happen!" And Sophia is all, "Oh crap - the last time Thomas tried to teleport uranium using his portathing, Chernobyl happened!" So she calls the president on his "alien uranium emergency" line and says "Hey Thomas is doing this thing to your nuclear reactor so you'd better put the uranium in a truck and drive it across the country, while also creating a magnetic field around it to prevent the portathing from working!"


And guess what? IT WAS ALL A TRICK! Thomas sent Melty McMelterson to fool everybody into transporting uranium in giant trucks, so that he and his friends could ride up on horses with their Winchester rifles and bandannas and steal themselves some of that thar uranium! So everybody has a shootout and uranium is stolen and now Martinez totally does not trust Sophia anymore OMG.

Let's flail around by bringing back Vicky and having meaningless barroom brawls

After telling his friend that he's being stalked by two shadow governments or whatever, Sean decides he needs to "keep fighting" instead of fleeing to Mexico like he'd planned. So he decides the best way to deal is to find Vicky - remember, the secret agent whose kid he menaced with "going viral" on YouTube? - and force her to help him. He wants her to lead him to the guy running the little girl experiments. Hopefully he has another viral video scheme to threaten her with, because she's way better with guns than he is.


Of course Sean also had to show what a badass he is by randomly going into a bar, trying to hit on some chick, and then getting into a fistfight with her boyfriend. Seriously, why is this scene in the show? Just to make us hate Sean even more? I think maybe the chief of staff isn't the only person who has misjudged his audience.

Maybe this was a meta moment for the show, and barroom fight was a metaphor for what it's like to be the audience for this show? So the boyfriend is the audience, the girl is the studio, and Sean is the show. And the show is punching you in the face! Punch! Whoa, this show is badass because it can punch you in the face! I'm just guessing here - could that be the subtle meaning that we're supposed to get out of this episode?

Tune in next week for more abuse.