Yes, they really made a Planet of the Apes porn movie. [NSFW]

At least Playmate of the Apes is better than the Tim Burton Apes movie. (Not that that's saying much.) This movie is obscene in every sense of the word — although don't worry, there's no actual bestiality.

(NSFW video above.)

Here are just some of the most horrendous moments from Playmate of the Apes, a film so incredibly horrendous that the drugs required to make it must have involved severe brain damage. I mean seriously, everybody who worked on this film probably keeps walking into walls and trying to eat dryer lint and stuff.


In Playmate of the Apes, three lesbian astronauts are flying through space, and two of them are having hot softcore lesbian sex while the third sleeps at the controls. Somehow, the two lesbians who are having sex manage to push the "crash the ship now" button, causing the ship to crash — and really, that's the best "spaceship turbulence" scene we've ever seen.

Once on the ship, the lesbian astronauts decide to bathe in the first body of water they find, and then someone steals their spacesuits, leaving them totally nude. Soon they're captured by the ape rulers of this world. Most of the apes believe that the humans are incapable of intelligence — but one ape, Dr. Cornholius (who looks disturbingly like Helena Bonham Carter) believes that humans can be as smart as apes. How can the humans prove their intelligence? By dancing around and doing a striptease. Really. It sort of makes sense. Dr. Cornholius' friend is a gay ape, whose fur is bright pink. Yes, that's incredibly offensive and messed up, and also about as clever as this movie ever gets.


Eventually, the humans escape and find their way to a free zone, where people and some liberal apes live in harmony, hanging out and smoking weed and coming up with incredibly bad rap songs. Like, epically bad. I included a selection in the clip reel, and I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me one day. But soon the evil apes catch up to them, and there's a huge battle — which is only aborted when a giant disco ball shows up and a guy in an ape costume (except for the head) comes and teaches everybody a truly hideous ape disco song. Eventually, one of the humans (Misty Mundae) gets away in her ship, only to find herself on the... planet of the chickens. Whut?

I guess Mundae has made a whole career out of doing these, including a sexy dracula movie, a sexy mummy movie, a sexy voodoo movie, a "dinosaur planet" movie, and Spider-Babe. The mind truly boggles.

Illustration for article titled Yes, they really made a Planet of the Apes porn movie. [NSFW]

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I've always wondered if I could be talked into being in a pornographic film, and I think if there was a lot of money on the line and someone really desperately needed it for some life-threatening illness or something... I could.

BUT, I don't get how anyone can dress up in a silly costume and have sex on camera. Not just in this movie, in particular, but the recent slew of super hero porn as well. I'd barge onto that set and scream "Hey! I'll either whip my dick out OR dress up like Superman. You ain't gettin' both at the same time!"