​8 Robots Who Learned How To Love… Badly

Illustration for article titled ​8 Robots Who Learned How To Love… Badly

Can robots learn how to love? If you've watched or read any amount of scifi, you know the answer is definitely yes. But not all robots learn how to love wisely or well. In fact, some of them are pretty crappy at it. Here are just a few androids, AIs and automatons that have no business being in relationships.

1) The Vision

If the Marvel universe had a show like Maury, the Vision and the Scarlet Witch would be on it all the time. Although it started out as well as any relationship between an android created by a homicidal robot and the daughter of the most dangerous mutant in existence could go, it quickly went downhill once Wanda Maximoff conjured herself up two fake babies. Then Vision is destroyed and rebuilt, sans emotions. This freaks out Wanda so much that her babies stop existing. Then the Egyptian god Set tries to marry her and Vision moves across the country while Wanda goes in and out of catatonia. Vision does manage to upgrade from a deadbeat to decent partner, but shortly after, the two are murdered by Onslaught. When they come back, the damaged Vision tells Wanda to get lost, and Wanda starts revenge-sleeping with Wonder Man, whose brainwaves were part of the Vision's initial programming. When Vision and Wanda finally get back together, the Wasp makes a bad joke about Wanda's dead kids and she pretty much kills all the Avengers, including the Vision. I'm just saying, at least some of this is on him.

Illustration for article titled ​8 Robots Who Learned How To Love… Badly

2) Caprica Six, Battlestar Galatica

I don't know how you can summarize the crazy romantic relationship Caprica Six has with Gaius Baltar during the course of BSG, but I do know this — it wasn't healthy. She seduced him for two years to be able to destroy Caprica, but then they start having visions of each other; she meets back up with him and they fall in love but then Baltar sucks and Six starts sleeping with the Three torturing Baltar, but still manages to be heart-broken when Baltar leaves. And then there's who whole Tigh — pregnant in jail — miscarriage insanity. Point is, she's at least as crazy as she is crazy-hot.

Illustration for article titled ​8 Robots Who Learned How To Love… Badly

3) Red Tornado

Created by Dr. T.O. Morrow, the whirlwind-generating android known as Red Tornado used to walk around in disguise to learn what it was like to be human, as androids are wont to do. On one such jaunt in 1973, he ran across a woman named Kathleen Sutton, and they took a fancy to each other. So much so that not only did they begin a relationship, but adopted a girl named Traya from the war-torn country of Bialya. What's the problem? Red Tornado never told her he was a robot. Well, that's a relationship built on trust. And Tornado didn't even admit it until 1980! Not shockingly, their relationship didn't last too long after that (although to be fair Red Tornado had been turned into a wind elemental and been driven insane by air pollution, so that didn't help, either).

4) Ro-Man, Robot Monster

One of the most awful movies ever made, Robot Monster is most famous because the titular robot monster was a man in a shitty ape costume with a diving helmet on his head. And also he managed to destroy the entire world, with a bubble machine, except for one family who lived about two miles away from his cave in Central Park. Anyways, one of these last few survivors is Alice, a pert young women who Ro-Man decided he wanted as a cave-mate. This courtship is made somewhat difficult by Ro-Man continually killing members of Alice's family, including children. Well, at least he didn't lie to her about being a giant robot ape alien.

5) David, A.I.

David's purpose in life was to be a robot that learned how to love. Technically, he succeeded in falling in love with his "mother" Monica. But the problem is that while David learns how to fall in love, they forgot to program him with a lick of goddamn sense. Whether he's accidentally drowning Monica's real son or traipsing about the country with a gigolo-bot looking for the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio because someone forgot to tell him the difference between fact and fiction, David's utter stupidity makes him a relationship disaster. Here's a relationship tip for anybody, living people or robots: if you find yourself above your loved one's bed as they sleep with a knife in your hand for any reason, you're doing it wrong.

Illustration for article titled ​8 Robots Who Learned How To Love… Badly

6) Platinum of The Metal Men

Although the Metal Men were created by Dr. Will Magnus, his proprietary Responsometer technology means that he had no ability to shape their personalities. Shockingly, Platinum, the sole female member of the group, is desperately in love with her creator, and gets insanely jealous when he goes on dates with human women. That's bad, but what's worse is that Magnus is an enormous dick to her — well, all the Metal Men, really — and essentially her relationship with him is just kind of abusive. Stop loving this asshole, Platinum! You could do better with any of the other ridiculously named doctors in the DC universe.


7) Filer 13B-445K, "The Robot Who Wanted To Know"

In this Harry Harrison short story, Filers are library robots programmed to learn as much as they can about one specific thing. Filer 13B-445K just happens to be the robot whose task is understanding love. In order to research the human phenomenon, he disguises himself and tries to hook up with a top-heavy lady who falls for him… until she realizes he's more machine than man (like 100% machine). Filer 13B-445K is so bummed out by this rejection he self-destructs, specifically via a central pump so people can make "broken heart" jokes. See, robots who love human women? Don't pretend to be human. It never works out!

8) Crow T. Robot, Mystery Science Theater 3000

Crow T. Robot is a robot of many passions: screenwriting, subsuming his personality into bizarre aspects of that week's movie, and Kim Cattrall. The star of Sex and the City and Mannequin came into Crow's life when Joel and the Bots watching City Limits, prompting Crow to pen the above song. It's terrible. So while his robotic heart is in the right places, Crow's romantic skills leave much to be desired. Admittedly, he stepped up his game when he fell for The Magic Sword's 79-year-old star Estelle Winwood, but since she was 79 years old at the time, I think it's safe to say Crow still has a bit of work to do regarding discriminating in his affections.


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Thayder, SJW

April from "I was Made to Love you" Season 5 of Buffy, made by creep Warren of the Nerds of Doom.