6 Rules For Remaking John Carpenter's They Live

Illustration for article titled 6 Rules For Remaking John Carpenter's They Live

Rumor has it that Strike Entertainment is talking about picking up the rights to John Carpenter's They Live. This fills me with mixed emotions, because They Live is full of great moments (like a newsstand filled with black and white subliminal messages embedded into the magazines and papers). But at the same time, how do you recreate such cheesetastic "I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum" lines and fight scenes? It's impossible, unless you follow these simple rules.


Before everyone jumps out a window, I'd just like to point out that Strike Entertainment is the production company that came out with Children of Men and helped with Slither, two movies that were tremendously enjoyable in their own very different ways. So there's still hope for a remake about a down-on-his-luck wrestler, no construction worker, who gets his mits on pair of magical sunglasses that reveal a secret alien race living among us and breeding the human race into slavery.

The Rules For Remaking They Live

1: The role of Nada MUST be replaced by a wrestler (I'm open to The Rock Dwayne Johnson, but would prefer someone else).

2: Roddy Piper MUST appear in the movie somewhere, what he's not busy. If not as the lead, then as his dad or the creepy preacher.

3: Keith David should come back as Frank, because he hasn't aged a day.

4: The Magical Sunglasses may NOT be adorable hipster Ray-Bans.

5: The one liners have to be one upped in this. I don't know if someone can top, "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum," but they should at least try, like Bond did with the martini, "do I give a damn" line. Is this possible? I'm not sure but they need to actually respect lines like this. Sit down with a lot of alcohol and drugs and come up with something that can at least live up to the original.

6: The five minute fight scene — this is hard. I say, should the producers or director stray from the amazing plot that is a subliminal alien take over and create new characters or make Nada a woman (ugh it hurts to even think that, but we have to assume the worst) this would be a great place to give a tip-of-the-hat to the original. Recreate the five minute fight shot for shot, no matter how far the remake strays. Sure it's been done but that's no reason for it to be neglected.

But until directors or a screenwriter is announced we'll all just have to hope and pray that this movie remake or whatever they will do to it will be respected.


Clip From Original They Live When Piper Figures It All Out (kind of):

[The Hollywood Reporter]



I'm A Different Bird

If they do tap a wrestler to play Nada, I'm thinking this guy: