Some mornings, you can barely face the harsh light of day. That whole ordeal of dragging yourself out of bed and cleansing yourself and putting on the required worker garments so that you can go out into the world and deal with the human race just seems... barbaric. Which is why, sometimes, you need to feel like a hero just to get up in the morning.
So here are some opening monologues from classic science fiction and fantasy shows that you can recite in the shower, to help psych yourself up. And any quotes below are mostly paraphrasing or mangling, rather than exact.
Space, the Final Frontier... to boldly go, motherfucker!
Person of Interest
The government thought you were irrelevant... but we don't. Victim or perpetrator — if your number's up, we'll find you! We designed a secret system, that SEES EVERYTHING.
Tribes of humans may have been the forefathers of the Egyptians or the Toltecs or the Mayans. The Brothers of Man fight to survive, somewhere beyond the heavens. And if the Brothers of Man can fight one-eyed droning killer robots, then you can handle a few product meetings.
The Outer Limits
Okay, so this one would be slightly creepy to recite in the shower, honestly. But maybe you might want to psych yourself up for a tough day at work by pretending you control the horizontal? We don't judge.
The Adventures of Superman
The classic. Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings... strange visitor from another planet, with powers and abilities far beyond ordinary men! Who can bend steel and change the course of mighty rivers! This is probably more appropriate than Outer Limits, really.
A young man who does not exist... on a crusade! To champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless, in a world of criminals who operate Above The Law! Take that, HR department.
The Babylon project was a dream given form. A home away from home, for diplomats, hustlers and wanderers... all alone in the night. It can be a dangerous place, but the Babylon station is our last, best hope for peace. The name of the station... is Babylon 5!
The Six Million Dollar Man
We have the technology! We can rebuild him! We can get through this freaking 9 AM meeting without biting someone's face off.
The Mysterons... possessing the ability to create an exact likeness of a person. But first... they must destroy! Leading the fight: One man fate has made indestructible. His name: Captain Scarlet! And yes, that's not a terribly intimidating name. But you can say it in a really thunderous voice.
Sapphire and Steel
Really, this one, you can just shout out random metals and minerals in the shower: "Quartz! Marble! Tungsten! Copper!" While also saying things like, "All irregularities will be governed by the forces controlling each dimension!" It might make you feel more in control over your life.
This has the dramatic countdown, followed by shouting "THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!" You wouldn't want to be anyone standing in the way of a Thunderbird once it's Go. Simple but effective, and easy to memorize.
Beauty and the Beast
This one is more romantic and poetic, talking about how the wealthy and powerful control everything in this world, but there's a guy in the shadows who's most assuredly not a stalker, but who loves this one woman rather a lot, and his love will make him able to deal with everything, even the manifest crappiness of the aforementioned world. Definitely something that might get you ready for your day, if you can do both voices. Or if you want to imagine that Ron Perlman loves you from the shadows.
The world is coming to an end because Nostradamus blah blah blah... but then it gets to the good part: I run, but I do not hide! I seek them, I hunt them! Nostradamus and me are beating the crap out of you people. I will stop the First Wave! It sounds kind of heroic and paranoid, all rolled into one.
The universe is a dangerous place — but we're in the future, dammit. And we're fighting to make it safe. I am the captain! These are our adventures! It's sort of the bargain basement version of Shatner's monologue, but I like the "fight to keep it safe" part. And there's a lot of sudsy chest-thumping potential here.
Couldn't really leave this out, since it's one of the great opening monologues of all time — but I'm not sure how telling your shower curtains they're entering a dimension of sight and sound is really going to help you prepare for your workday. Whatever works for you, though. It might make you feel like you have interdimensional godlike powers. Plus you can randomly shout "Tungsten!" in the middle, and then it's a Twilight Zone/Sapphire and Steel mashup.
So.... what inspirational shower monologues from classic TV shows did we forget here? What gets you out of bed in the morning?