American Horror Story is back and doing what it does the best, juggling 18 different plots whilst balancing atop the breast of a naked nun. The show went full-tilt bananas last night, and we welcome the return to crazytown. In just one episode, we saw Sister Jude's backstory, a demon, a whole lotta bare ass... and we learned what a "mossy bank" was. Proceed on if you want to have the farmer from Babe forever ruined in your mind.

Spoilers ahead...

First up, Briarcliff's got a new patient. A farmboy who has been possessed. At first I wasn't all that open to yet another exorcism ride, since we've seen this one billion times. But the actor they cast to scream and hiss at Sister Judy and friends (Devon Graye) was pretty damn awesome (and a little hot, when he was all veined out). There's one particular scene where the hired exorcist shows up in a wheelchair, and Jed (the possessed farmer boy) turns to the old man and yells, "And the lord said to the cripple, take up thy bed and flyyyyyyeeeeee" sending the old fart into the wall. It was pretty excellent.

But Jed was truly there not to cause chills, but to start revealing the past of Briarcliff's nefarious staff, specifically Sister Jude's. So what did we learn about our favorite cane-happy nun? She used to be a bit of a lush. While tending to Jed, the demon starts calling her a whore (you've had 53 dicks in your mouth or something — remember, this is AHS). Then Sister Jude has a flashback to her days as a drunk singer, hitting on military men and driving drunk. Unfortunately for Jude, one night out she whacked a little girl with her car. And now that girl is dead. Sex and booze kill. Now we know what caused Jude to hide behind the holy habit.

Another backstory that was hinted at was Zachary Quinto's — hey, Zach! The adorably bespectacled actor joined AHS this episode as the young, disapproving doctor for Briarcliff, named Dr. Oliver Thredson. At first, Oliver is none too pleased at the rampant abuse happening at Sister's Jude's asylum. But after Jed shows up and starts throwing people around with his mind, he starts to lose his mettle. Anyone else catch Jed revealing Oliver's backstory as some sort of abandoned baby? No doubt there's more where that came from. Five bucks says he's Sister Jude's unwanted kid.


Meanwhile poor Lana the reporter brain gets zapped by Jude, and creepy old Doctor Arden. Thank goodness, all attempts to dull the mind of Lana are failing, as her electroshock therapy only strengthens her resolve to get the hell out of there. Lana makes a naked deal with Grace — if Grace can get her out, she will show her the secret tunnel entrance so they can escape. Naturally this is too easy of a plan for AHS, so Grace throws down that they have to take old bloody-face Kit as well, or no deal. Cut to a prison break with Lana, Kit, and Grace all eyeing the exit. But in a kind of awesome turn of events, Lana starts screaming that Kit is trying to escape. It's good to see that she's not willing to free a "murderer of women" in order to save her hide. Sure, sure Kit didn't do it, because he looks like what would happen if a puppy and a bunny had a baby — but still. Good for you, Lana.

Of course, this whole showdown ends in Sister's Jude's office. Pants down, cane up. Here's a picture. You're welcome, crazy pack of Evan Peters fans who like to email me slow gifs of Kit in the shower (thank you by the way).


And last, but certainly not least, James Cromwell revealed Dr. Arden's backstory, which made me slam a door into my crotch. YIKES YIKES YIKES YIKES YIKES. Look, I'm not against old people having crazy, wild, weird sex. I used to work at an old folks' home, part of my job was sometimes escorting horny seniors back and forth from their crazy sexcapes. This isn't ageism, this is the fact that Cromwell is a very good actor and I can never watch Babe again. Feeling the old pant-raising itch creeping up on him, Dr. Arden invites a nice young prostitute to his home. There, he scolds her for using crass language and not enjoying his fine wine. Things are already not looking good for this lady. Later on, he makes her put on Sister Eunice's uniform. Ahhh, looks like Arden has a thing for Eunice (which we kind of already know, as early on, he basically screamed a candy apple into her mouth like some strange bloody thirsty jungle cat with candy apples). Moving on. The prostitute finds some seriously disturbing images in Arden's house, and he flips. He takes off his pants and reveals those really long boxers that grandpas wear. He grabs his crotch, and at some point, he orders her to show him her "mossy bank." It's all a blur because right after he grabbed his crotch I buried my head in the couch cushions and started screaming. It was terrifying.

But it was also kind of awesome. AHS, you creepy old man, it's good to have you back.

What are we looking forward to next week? Well it looks like Sister Mary Eunice is possessed by the devil that fled the now-dead Jed. So aces to that.

And hopefully someone will explain why time-traveling Bloody Face was in Lana's girlfriend's house. Is Lana actually Bloody Face?