God Approves Of Indiana, But His Followers Aren't So Impressed

Illustration for article titled God Approves Of Indiana, But His Followers Aren't So Impressed

You may think that the very concept of a 64-year old Harrison Ford returning as archaeologist and adventurer Indiana Jones is, in itself, an offense to whatever higher powers that you may choose to believe in, but Christian review site CAP Christian Analysis of American Culture would beg to differ. In fact, they're so enamored of Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skulls that they give it a better rating than even they suspected. Spoilers for those who haven't seen the movie under the jump.


The site - which uses an arcane but highly notated system to score movies from 100 down to zero, based upon "acceptability" (higher numbers bring the movie closer to God), in addition to reviewing them - found itself at the center of a strange quandry when looking at the latest Lucas/Spielberg "joint": Namely, that it apparently seemed much more blasphemous than it actually was:

While all the violence and profanity in Crystal Skull were indeed morally invasive I was personally offended not only by the three uses of God's name in vain without the four letter expletive but by the single use of God's name in vain with the four letter expletive. And by Ford himself, no less. The use of God's name in vain with the four letter expletive even sounded as though it was inserted just to increase the "bad" of the film. Thus I felt this film should be restricted from anyone seeing it, but my opinion is meaningless to the CAP Analysis Model. However personally offensive some of the content was, the final score of 67 out of 100 goes to show you no matter what my personal opinion might be the results of the analysis are pure and insulated from my opinion.

That's right; the reviewer was wrong, and the system - as always - was right, because math is never wrong. But let's look at some of the particular problems with the movie, shall we?

In South America Indy finds Oxley but Indy's path crosses again with the Russians and again with a ghost from the past, Marion. SPOILER: This is where a special connection between Indy, Marion and Mutt is revealed. The Bible tells us that if a man has sex with a woman that he must marry her ... and stay married. [Deut. 22:29, 1 Cor. 7:2] Get married is what Indy and Marion do but decades after-the-fact. Just remember, a noble destination does not excuse an ignoble path. Sex outside of a monogamous heterosexual marriage is just plain wrong. If you don't believe me, ask God. His Word about sexually immoral behaviors can be paraphrased into one sentence: any sexual contact (including visual), conduct or activity outside of a monogamous heterosexual marriage is immoral. And if you don't like that rule or get all huffed up about me saying it, argue with the One who wrote the Rules, the One who will sit on the Judgment Throne just on the other side of our last breath.

Yeah! That's right! Don't like that kind of moral judgment? Why don't you go and argue it out with God, huh? But best of all may be the problems that the reviewer has with the movie's nudity:

While no gender-specific nudity is seen, Ford is seen nude from the near-pubic area up behind a steamed shower glass wall as he is being scrubbed to remove radioactive contamination. This, along with the semi-thong nudity of a few dozen warriors, the innuendo and all the drawing of attention to the crotch make up the sexually-oriented content.


Wait, a belly is now "the near-pubic area"? I don't know about you, but suddenly my world just got a lot sexier...

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull [CAP Movie Ministry]




Why can't Fundies stick to watching Davie and Goliath claymation Cartoons (assuming they're not blasphemous)?

One of the worst blind dates I've ever had involved a relgious fanatic my mom and aunt tried to set me up with (already a very bad sign.) We painfully talked about movies and she mentioned that she went with her church friends to see Kill Bill. I fell out of my chair laughing due to the absurdity of imagining uptight church types going to see an ultraviolent movie with serious sexual issues. Somehow, the date ended very quickly after that and I happily went home alone.