Finally, a character on True Blood with the chutzpah to come in and explain to all the vampires that they are acting like a pack of assholes. Of course, this character is promptly killed — but for five beautiful minutes, there was logic on the Vampire (Religion Is Bad) Show. But that's not all that happened: We got to meet an Elder Fairy, and it was a disaster. But let me explain it to you Pro/Con style.

Everytime someone says "Baby Vamps," drink!

Pro: Full frontal nudity within one minute of this show beginning. Lilith has "chosen" Bill to be her leader, or to get her a towel or something. Do you think there's a someone with a clipboard, checking off stuff like this on set? Same-sex kissing that will really piss off the folks in Peoria? Check. Through-the-pants sex? Check. Boobs? Check. Penis on a table? Check. Good to go.

Con: True Blood is pretending that Nora and Salome aren't going to kiss.

Pro: Of course they kiss.

Con: Jessica uses the best teen trick in the books: twisting your parent's words against them. Of course, Bill is on his never-ending path to be The Worst. And his response to Jessica's silly trickery is to pull the old, "Now you will stay in this closet and smoke this entire pack of cigarettes" thing. Just to prove a point, and be a huge dick in the process. I think it's getting pretty safe to say that Bill is no longer just playing along with the Authority. He actually believes this crap. And even worse, he's really getting off on it.


Con: So Bill forces Jessica to make Jason a vampire. He doesn't command her to do this (who knows why) but I'm sure it's to make some kind of annoying point.

Pro: Nora and Eric make up, yay! I liked Nora in the beginning — but not lately, with her strange mix of dresses that feel like the clothes you wear when you can't afford dry cleaning right now but still have to go to work — but before that. Leather jacket sex-break Nora.

Con: Nora and Eric proceed to have the most unsettling through-the-pants makeup sex ever. Nora is crying and saying "Forgive me!" and "What are we going to do?" I half expected Eric to say, "First, we're going to stop talking." Look I totally get funeral sex, I've seen that John Cusack movie like nine times. Obviously this makes me an expert. But after a whole season of man-child Eric, and now the scared, "re-living the death of Godric" Eric (WHO IS ALREADY DEAD, GODRIC HAS ALREADY DIED SO WHO CARES IF CASPER GODRIC DIES?) I feel Eric-starved. What happened to the "Don't use words that I don't understand." creature? Or sex dungeon Eric? We would like old Eric back now, please. Pretty please.


Con: Jason and Sookie have a meeting at the fairy circus. When are we going to learn why the fairies have a nightclub/circus? Was this explained, and I missed it? When the lease is up, will it just immediately become a gay bar on the lower east side in NYC (please)? Is this where gay clubs come from?

Con: Oh good, another meeting in the Vampire Conference room. They really do get a lot of use out of this set don't they? Makes Merlottes feel like Hoth, just because it has been so damn long since we've seen something new.

Pro: Bill's serious face.

Pro: Surprise twist: The new General character is fucking awesome. Finally someone with a bit of common sense. The General comes in with a back up plan (video of Russell and Steve's Fraternity slaughter date), immediately tells Bill and Eric off (because seriously, how the hell should he know who these two idiots are) and then lets them all know that they are all out of their fucking minds. And they are, totally, out of their gourds.

But that was the plan, right? To make anyone who leans in any sort of religious direction just a wee bit look like a total lunatic? Where do the Creaster Vampires (Christmas/Easter Vampires) fit into this world? My guess? They don't. It's no God or Crazy God in Ball's world. But thank goodness someone was called in to dispense actual knowledge upon this Vampire Conference room of naked blood god insanity. Naturally, the General was immediately killed for the crime of possessing logic in True Blood-town.

Pro: Roselyn's hair and lipstick look absolutely fabulous this episode. Go on, girl.


Pro: Jessica is trying to lull Jason into trusting her about the whole "I'm going to turn you into a vampire" winky wink.

Pro: Jason's last words as Jessica bites him are "Fuuuuuuu…"

Con: Bill is giving everyone a security detail. Security detail for you, security detail for you, security detail for you…. Ugh, Bill sucks.

Pro: Jason is actually asleep, not dead! He shoots and splatters the Vampire Security lickety-split. Jessica lets him know that Russell is after his sister's blood, and slips in the fact that, oh yeah, she probably maybe loves him. Good timing. It's actually a really fun, sweet scene. Poor Jessica.


Pro: Meanwhile, at Fangtasia all of that terrible vampire has been cleaned up. Pam forbids Tara from ever speaking about it again — because obviously, Tara doesn't give a crap about anything she doesn't understand and is all "fuck the Authority." Then Jessica shows up, and Pam says Baby Vamps like three times and I get this tingling sensation in my toes… there's going to be a Baby Vamp Sleepover, isn't there?

Pro: The most stylish vandalism ever. Of course True Blood gets fancy vandals. Oooh we hate vampires so hard. Wait, don't forget to make the roof drip with blood!

Pro: Eric kills his security detail with the steering wheel.

Pro: Ha, ha, yeah I forgot they could fly. Why do they even use cars then?

Pro: Have Luna and Sam been naked this entire season? It feels like it. Do you think they read their scripts hoping for clothes? Have they been on every set naked at this point? Do you think Luna's daughter was horrified that her mom and her new boyfriend showed up naked to get her out of Vampire Jail?

Con: What the shit is this?

Con: No seriously, WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS?

Con: Hold up, hold up, hold up. This is supposedly the world's oldest and wisest fairy, who has lived as many beings and in many realms, and all she wants to talk about is Ke$ha? This isn't even timely anymore. Or funny. Or good. This is bad. Really really bad. Like ugh, my Dad got drunk at my boyfriend's apartment and won't stop talking about High School football again, bad. This is embarrassing for all of us. And to think what this creature could have been. Can you imagine if they attempted to think outside the box? Like a commenter below suggester, what if they used a larger than life Drag Queen, can you imagine Sharon Needles in this role? Floating around shooting fairy light out of her eyes. Anything would have been better than, "John Cougar Mellencamp, for or against?" Against, elder fairy, against.

Gif via peachiex.

Pro: Hey Alcide! Jeans and no shirt. This works for us all.

Pro: "Baby Vamps" is said four times in this conversation.

Con: Alcede's Dad is trying to force yet another plot line into the second-to-last episode of this season. I don't care that you stole money from your pack and are now a "lone wolf." I just want to pet you and cup your wittle face — because he has one blue eye and one brown, like a puppy.

Pro: Your moment of Lafayette.
Gif via Buffy Pierce.

Pro: THERE IS A BABY VAMP SLEEPOVER HAPPENING RIGHT NOW! *RUNS AROUND HOUSE SCREAMING* Do you think they steal special True Blood from Pam's office and play with each others fangs????

Pro: Pam's waist in this dress. Pam on the throne. And Pam's hair. Love it. Love it. Love it.

Pro: Roz comes into the bar to find out what happened to her Progeny The Worst, and is really excellent at it. The scene where she sniffs out Jessica and leers "Your Daddy's looking for you!" is beyond excellent. I was actually afraid of a vampire again. Remember when we used to be afraid of vampires on this show? Roz needs more camera time, she is an interesting character and I wouldn't mind seeing a lot more of her.

Gif via I'm Here for Sookie.

Con: The fairies decide they're going to fight Russell. They are absolutely terrible at it. This is their plan: Send defenseless Jason to lead them to the fairies? Why couldn't they just leave a note at Sookie's house? That way, Russell doesn't have any leverage. Awful.


Pro: Hunk Sandwich! Yay! Also a pro: Jason's freak out when Russell pops up and takes his gun. Not totally sold on the whole Jesus remark, a little too easy especially with all this crazy religion in the air. But that's OK. It's still being delivered by Dennis O'Hare, and for that we are all grateful.

Pro: "Who knows how to show you a good time?" "YOU DO!" *Boop* I so desperately want to go on a double date with these two gents.

Pro: All the vampire food (people) are naked. OBVIOUSLY.

Con: Bill kills some nameless vampire from the Authority. Which means he's totally bat shit crazy, and into this religion. Boooo. I think we can all see where this religion plot line is going now. Also, Lilith, your end game blows.


Con: Why can't the rest of the Authority smell the blood of the Authority member Bill killed?

Pro: This whole episode I just kept thinking Jessica = Sad Puppy.

Con: Bill hits Jessica. Bill sucks forever.

Pro: More Russell time. Steve and Russell smell fairies and run around like my cat when I open a can of food.


Pro: Russell kills the Elder Fairy, THANK GOD. Guess she doesn't "got this." Woof.

And that's pretty much it. Russell is now "turbo charged" and will most likely try and eat all the fairies. Which, that's ok. Maybe Andy's fairy baby mama will birth a savoir fairy or the last fairy or just another complicated plot line that will have to fight Alcide's dad, I don't know guys. What I do know is that Eric is no longer trapped in the Vampire Business Office of endless meetings. He's back to doing what he does best, sexing things. So please go forth and sex more things for the big finale next weekend!

Screengrabs via Home Of The Nutty.