In December 2009, South African maskandi singer Khulekani Kwakhe "Mgqumeni" Mseleku died after consuming a poisonous potion brewed by a healer. But last week, the singer returned from the dead in the town of Mquthu, much to delight of his fans, who descended upon the village in cheering throngs.
Where had Mgqumeni been for the past two years? According to the resurrected singer, he had been held in a mystical storage container with zombies (who had a penchant for identity fraud).
The folk troubadour claimed that he had been trapped in a cave outside of Johannesburg, where zombies changed his physical attributes ("My facial and body appearance has changed," he said, sporting a new gold tooth) and forged an identity card with a false name (his undead moniker is "Sphamanda Gcabashe"). Said the singer of his harrowing imprisonment:
I have been suffering a lot at the place where I was kept with zombies. It was hell there and I am so grateful that I was able to free myself and return to my family and you, my supporters. I promise to continue singing once I gather enough strength.
I have been living a painful life over the past two years. The people who captured me shaved my dreadlocks because they wanted to put a nail in my head.
After gaining the approval of several not-zombified relatives, everyone got riled up over exhuming Mgqumeni's grave to prove that he's back from the dead. Some more dubious relations notified the police, who arrested the faux-Mgqumeni before he could spin more yarns about necrotic hairdressers. Remember, if someone comes back from the dead, always, always ask for a DNA test. Also, it's a perfectly reasonable assumption that zombies are not trained in the more delicate aspects of oral surgery, so be suspicious of any undead-installed mouth jewelry.