As you might've noticed, new Watchmen prequels — which will be published under the banner Before Watchmen — were officially announced yesterday by DC Comics.
DC's decision to resurrect Watchmen without original creators Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons prompted much teeth gnashing among the book's fans, whose invective next inspired other comic readers to writhe their incisors.
Then others observers began flailing their molars because the entire internet was waggling a collective bicuspid. It was a weird day!
It soon became confusing to follow who was angry about what. Ergo, we have drafted this helpful quiz to help you streamline your invective.
To quote noted motivational speaker Walter Kovacs, why "scream like an abattoir full of retarded children" when you can "look down and whisper 'No?' "
1.) Word association time! Alan Moore is...
(a) The genius scribe behind such genre-shattering works as D.R. & Quinch, Violator/Badrock, and that one time Superman met Swamp Thing in 1985.
(b) A python-worshiping warlock whose body mass is 90% beard and 10% a sentient gas that tells children to get off its lawn.
(c) The director behind those movies about 4Chan, Jack Sparrow versus Jack The Ripper, and Huck Finn and James Bond invading an Oscar Wilde novel.
2.) Look at this image. What's the first thing that comes to mind?
(a) This is a "blue" metaphor about Alan Moore (Silk Spectre) and DC Comics (Dr. Manhattan) that I am too polite to elaborate on.
(b) I really want to listen to some Leonard Cohen right about now.
(c) There was a Silver Surfer/Frankenhooker crossover to which I was completely oblivious.
3.) If Before Watchmen is a critical failure, who's to blame?
(a) DC Comics, for grafting a neon fuchsia spoiler and horn that plays "La Cucaracha" onto the one graphic novel your mother knows from NPR.
(b) Mewling Alan Moore cabana boys, for poisoning popular opinion, despite the work of comic book titans like Brian Azzarello, Amanda Conner, and Darwyn Cooke.
(c) Publicists, for overdoing it with the Swatch product placement.
4.) True or False — it's hypocritical when Alan Moore balks about DC creating Watchmen spin-offs, as he used Charlton characters for the original series.
(c) Did someone say Charleston Chew?
5.) Have you read the original Watchmen?
(a) Yes, and DC really has no business vajazzling the world's finest and most famous superhero deconstruction.
(b) Yes, and DC can do whatever they want with the damn story.
(c) No, but I saw the word "Watchmen" trending on Twitter yesterday when I was telling the five Romanian spambots who follow me a joke about Tim Tebow taking an arrow to the knee.
Finished? Now tabulate whether you answered more (a), (b), or (c) questions, and check out your answer below!
If you answered mostly (a)...
Then you're a Rorschach! Uncompromising and vitriolic, you are aghast that someone would even deign to fiddle with an open-and-shut classic such as Watchmen. Alan Moore is right because he's Alan Moore, so fuck you. You will jump ship from DC entirely and only read Alan's Marvel Comics work. It's all Captain Britain from now on!
If you answered mostly (b)...
Then you're an Ozymandias! You're okay with Watchmen coming back, even if most of these gripers don't understand it's what they actually want. Brian Azzarello and Lee Bermejo writing Rorschach? Who wouldn't want to see that? Nobody is forcing you to buy this.
PS: You also have a vending machine in your home that distributes Crystal Clear Pepsi and secretly have machinations to purloin the rights to Moore's Lost Girls and sell them to Archie Comics.
If you answered mostly (c)...
Then you're a German shepherd! Bow wow!