Many new moons ago, we gave you the 30 Most Disturbing Twilight Products. It's been two years since then — and tons more ridiculous Twilight merchandise has been shilled to the legions of Twihards across the globe. Here is our second collection of the most ridiculous Twilight shwag ever created.

Breaking Dawn Baking Dish

Personalize your very own baking dish with great sayings from Twilight — for reasons unbeknownst to us.

[via Etsy]

Breaking Dawn My Little Pony Wedding Set

Isn't everything just better when it's said through Ponies. Fingers crossed for the Breaking Dawn, Breaking Hymen Pony Play Kit.

[via Etsy]

Twilight Edward Wig

We can't believe this isn't easier to find. The boy's hair was the butt of everyone's jokes and eventually became so popular he got his own generic "Night Time Romeo" wig. But we all know what it really meant.

[Halloween Spirits via Fanpop]

Team Charlie T-Shirt

"No one Forks with the Chief of Police" except me! Look we love Charlie and his Magnum PI mustache. And maybe we're a bit nicer to the Dads everywhere every time Bella stamps all over his heart and leaves town for ITALY. But this t-shirt made us laugh, a lot. For the Daddy Fetishist in us all.

[via Etsy]

Twilight Sex Necklace

Carry around a fake image of Bella and Edward's first time around your neck. Always.

[via Etsy]

Glow-In-The-Dark Edward Face Soap

We assume that the only reason you would need glow-in-the-dark Twilight face soap is for some good clean alone time. But even then, how does this work?

[via Dugshop on Etsy]

Bella Inspired Deodorant

Now your pits can smell just like Bella's pits.

[via Etsy]

Cullen Car Cover

The Cullens are terrible, horrible drivers! This is not a compliment to your driving skills. Officer, pull these folks over immediately. Also, sometimes they steal cars. Officer!

[via Fanpop]

Any And All of The "Covered In Feathers" Merchandise

After Bella and Edward rub nasty bits for their first time, Bella blacks out. She then wakes up and is all "why am I covered in feathers?" Edward's response was that he got so carried away (with the sex) that he bit a bunch of pillows. Bella remembers none of this. Wearing this quote on your body would be like me walking around town with a "Squeal Like A Pig" necklace. It's just weird, people.

Glitter Lube

Once sold at Hot Topic, this lovely sparkly lube is actually Robert Pattinson's favorite terrible thing to come out of his Twilight movies.

Bella Swan Diorama of Bella Playing Herself at Chess

Now you can witness the supernatural penis puzzle going on inside Bellas head! No surprise here, it makes about just as much sense as Bella's reasoning. So, great centerpiece, everyone. And it's only $150.

[Etsy via Stella Four]

Twilight Panty Party

Ever since the release of the horrifying Edward crotch-mouth Twilight Panties, the underwear market has been hot, hot, hot for some cold, cold vampire lovin. Behold the best of the Twilight Panty Party — our favorite is the Cullen baseball team briefs, because it's obscure enough that you might not get shamed in the locker room for putting a Cullen on your cooter.

UPDATE: "Team Edward" panties are for girls. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

[Via Etsy, Wordans, Ebay, Cafe Press and more Ebay and Etsy]

Reusable Twilight Baby Diapers

For tiny super fans.

[Via Etsy]

Twilight Condom

Just a reminder for those first timers that when he does sleep with you, he may or may not try to kill you.

[via Twilight Blog]

Obsessive. Cullen. Disorder.

[Via Etsy]

Twilight Sparkle Collection

To make your hair just like his! Gigantic!

[Twilight Sparkle Collection via Meijer]


Edward Body Pillows

Yep, there are more than one. Choose from the Edward body pillow that you can straddle, or the one with manilla pillow arms. Never sleep alone again.

[Via Etsy and Etsy]

Baby Renesmee

The demon spawn of Edward and Bella! ATTACK, EVIL BABY, ATTACK.

[Found at Dollfan]

Edward Tampon Case

Crack open Edward's felt head and shove your lady goods down his neck — it's a Twilight tampon case! Hey at least it's not as bad as the reusable menstrual pad where the wearer physically bleeds all over some random vampires abs.

[Etsy via Salon]

Imprinted Vagina T-Shirt

So everyone will know, you now belong to a werewolf and he has left his mark on your vagina. Forever.


UPDATE: Commenters think that this is a maternity shirt, which only makes it worse.

[Via CafePress]

Twilight Embryo Ornaments

Because, fuck your God!

[Etsy via Moviefone]

Edward Doll With Steve Buscemi Eyes

Made entirely of dryer lint, possibly — the creepiest thing about this doll are his sad, sad eyes.

[Etsy Via Stella Four]

Jacob's Ashes!

Carry around the cremated remains of your favorite shirtless werewolf. From the seller AnimaeGirl's Etsy Account:

Here's something every Twihard or even those friends of Twihards need, a little bit of Jake in a bottle. His ashes plush fur fills this little glass bottle and the bottle has been adorned with a sealed label along with a spirit wolf charm. This pendant is hung on waxed linen with two bone beads and the catch is a lobster claw design


The best part, they're only $8.00. Poor Jacob. They also sell Edward and Bella's ashes, which have sparkles in them, obviously.

Twilight Jeans

Apparently this is a thing. No hate on the artists, that's a fine painted jean leg — but the idea of a million marching Twilight pants freak us out.

[via Etsy and Twifans]

The World's Creepiest Twilight Pin

Sure the saying is from the book/movie. But holy crap, just simply reading that makes me feel like I should be screaming, "I NEED AN ADULT!"

[Via Etsy]


No problem with the porn part, we just think the title is completely inspired. And apparently so did everyone else because now it's a porn web series (trailer above, don't worry it's PG rated). Well done Twinks of Forks.

To watch it visit Twinklight The Movie's website

[via Salon]

Vampire Fleshlight

Possibly inspired by the Twilight craze a few years back, we're bummed we didn't get this sex toy in our first post. But, then again any good Twihard knows that these vampires do not have fangs. Still the timing of the sex toy was uncanny (HA!).

[via Fleshlight]

Edward In Cat Form

Edward. In. Cat. Form.

[via Etsy]

Twilight EYEBALL

Crochet catnip Twilight colored eyeball, because it just doesn't feel like home until your cat is rolling around a giant vampire eyeball.

[via Etsy]