A runaway train full of costumed lunatics made for a weirdly entertaining episode of The Cape, but it's also a great metaphor for the show itself. Here are all the catchphrases from last night's episode that you'll need to memorize.

Spoilers ahead!

With "Scales on a Train," it became even more obvious that The Cape is not even remotely intended to be taken seriously — but if this show was any more of a guilty pleasure, it would probably cause cancer.

This was easily the most over-the-top episode yet, and yet it was sturdily made, and fast-paced — two qualities I always admire in a piece of television. The plot more or less hung together, and the twists kept coming without feeling too ludicrious — just ludicrous enough. In a nutshell, supervillain Peter Fleming is holding court in a costume party on a train, and the Cape goads two-bit villain Scales into confronting Fleming there. Unfortunately, the Cape's circus-gangster pals are trying to rob that same train, so wackiness ensues.

Here are the catch phrases that I, personally, will try to work into my conversation for the foreseeable future:

"Get out the hacksaw. Betty needs a shave." I don't really care about the context, you can use that phrase for almost anything. As it happened, it issued from the lips of the inimitable Keith David, playing Max Malini, preparing to rob the aforementioned train. And I think "Betty" was his shotgun. Also, Max had just told Vince that he won't be one of the Pips to Vince's Gladys Knight, which is a close runner-up.


"You interrupted lasagna night. And I like lasagna." You have to love a villain who cares about lasagna so much — as long as it's not Garfield. Scales totally owns his goofiness this time around, and the scene where he tries to sell Mayor Wilkins (!) on the idea of cheap raw materials — tax free! — is also an instant classic. If you're going to have a Killer Croc-wannabe villain, making him a lasagna-obsessed, class-conscious nut like Scales is definitely a step in the right direction.

"You could have googled me." I don't usually like Vince's annoying kid, who I think is called Trog or something. But this line was laugh-out-loud funny, for some reason. Trog is refusing to let the sweet district attorney guy in, even though the DA knows all sorts of stuff about Trog from Trog's mom. Because Vince told Trog never to open the door for strangers. And it's true — whatever someone knows about you, they could have found out via Google. (Now I'm wondering just what sort of info Trog is putting online.)


"I've just never had a fan before." Because this episode wasn't ridonkulous enough already, the Cape gets a copycat/sidekick, in the form of the prison commissioner whom the Cape saved from being poisoned with French cuisine a couple weeks ago.

"I'll show you crazy." When Rollo says it, we believe it. Rollo also got in the great lines, "Bring it on, Gator Butt," and "Next time we meet, I'm going to make a pair of boots out of you," when talking to Scales. Poor Scales loses all the stuff he stole, thanks to the circus of crime peeps, and then he gets locked in a cage. Which leads to my absolute favorite catch phrase from last night...


"Would you like some cake, Scales? No cake for you!" Said to Young Scales in his flashback by a little guy who looks sort of like Rollo. "No cake for you!" is the phrase I'm going to work into every single sentence today. Poor guy — this event traumatized him for life. In fact, we don't even need to wait for The Event to come back in this timeslot — we already know that The Event was Scales being told "No cake for you." Luckily, Scales escapes from his cage — by headbutting it. Raaaawr!

"Noodle, let the war begin!" Because Scales' main henchguy is apparently named Noodle. Also: "I feel much better, Noodle."


"I'm going to make you fly, blackbird." Said by Scales to the Cape during their incredibly fake/awesome-looking fight on top of the train.

"You're not as smart as you think you are." "I wish you were right." And with that comeback, I totally love Chess, the supervillain named after the Abba musical. Plus the look on James Frain's face when he's dangling an inch from the train tracks going a bajillion miles an hour, with his arch enemy holding him up. Frain is having way, way too much fun being a maniac here.


And finally...

"I was off my game tonight. I blame the outfit." Ah, Orwell. For once, Summer Glau wasn't the funnest thing on The Cape, but her whole running storyline about the camera in her crazy feathered mask was extremely fun nonetheless. And it was sort of a shocker when she confronted Peter Fleming head-on in the middle of his train press conference, spouting Orwell-ganda at him — considering how much it's been telegraphed that she's Peter Fleming's daughter. (Including her whole wistful discussion of parental love, and whether it goes away.) In any case, the next time I am off my game — probably an hour from now — I will make sure to blame the outfit.