I think the only reason any of us are watching V anymore is for the completely weird sex scenes, intermingled with religious sermons. Basically the show is just all supernatural breeding and torture, especially in last night's episode.

Look me in the eyes and tell me honestly (not drunkenly, or with that "I ate six pot brownies" face) that you care about the plot on V. Because I can tell you the plot, and it won't help you feel any better about yourself or the state of scifi on TV.


Breeding skins and torture

Here's what happened last night: Lisa grew a "breeding skin" and Anna got all excited about it and told her mother about how awesome it is to watch Lisa fucking Tyler. Then her mom says, "Yeah I watched you fucking too, and it turned out to be kind of lame." I'm paraphrasing, of course, but that was the substance of their conversation.

Then Erica tortures Malick for information in the most brutal and disgusting way possible (there's finger severing and tail severing), and Father Jack delivers a sermon about how violence is bad. Anna invents a new device for torturing people and delivers an amazing burst of babble about the human soul. Basically, it's the Total Torture Episode. Plus souls. Seriously, people, would the V really buy into this whole soul thing when they can manipulate people at the genetic level?

The internets and DNA scienticianisms

But Anna has even more powerful weapons at her fingertips. THE INTERNETS! She can make videos go viral on YouTube and Father Jack will be laughed at by millions of kids in Catholic school! I love when she tells the TV anchor guy that "your internet" will be the tool she'll use to destroy Father Jack's reputation, and Anchorman's eyes widen in fear. Oh no! Don't use the YouTubes!

Also, Science Boy explains to Erica that Tyler has some missing colors in his DNA, that will be "filled in later." Kind of like the plotholes in this episode? Oh I am so funny.

It's all for the children

But it gets even better. The episode revolved around Erica rescuing humans from Anna's experiments. But we're not sure what experiments, or why Malick had a list of the humans to be abducted in her computer. There's this great scene where Erica leaves Malick in the torture chamber all bloody and screaming, while she and Ryan search Malick's spotless apartment. When they find her hidden computer with a bunch of people's profiles in it, you think, "Wow, this is going to be something big - maybe related to Tyler's missing DNA colors!" But no - it's just a bunch of people Anna is abducting for torture. Which she's been doing all along, so it's not even news.


Then Erica and Ryan randomly pick some abductee named Sophie to rescue, even though we see that a ton of other people are being abducted. She goes to see Sophie's mom, flashes her FBI badge, then says, "I'm not here as FBI, I'm here as a mother." Um, what? Why didn't she show her mother badge then? And there's this long scene where she and Ryan and the mom all agree that as parents, they truly understand that kidnapping people is bad. Because people without children would never get it.

So they torture Malick to death to find out where Sophie is - instead of keeping her for study, or to get more information. Sophie is rescued and they return her to mom (again, without showing any mother badge) and that's it. No trying to figure out why Sophie was targeted, no attempt to find out who else will be kidnapped or who else is a sleeper agent with the feds. Nothing. Just "hey we tortured our most valuable prisoner to death in a totally fucked up way and isn't it nice that we are saving the children?" Erica literally says that to Ryan - "we're saving the children." Huh? By torching all of Anna's innocent unborn babies and ripping Malick's skin off? What the hell is wrong with this show?!

Can we get back to Lisa's breeding skin and Anna's weird voyeuristic incest feelings please? Oh good - we can. As the show ends, we learn that Tyler is the person who controls the internets for Anna. He uploaded the viral footage of the "priest who packs a punch" to YouTube. And Anna is all scary/sexy with him and gives him a lizard hug. While he cuddles with Anna and tells her all about those mean Fifth Column guys, Lisa goes to Erica and cries on her shoulder because Anna made her suck somebody's soul out and watches her having sex with Tyler on a big screen TV.


Since we're all about saving the children here, we're also left wondering if Ryan will go turncoat to get his daughter back from Anna. Who the hell cares at this point? I mean, if this is a show that genuinely believes that you can pull a soul from a person at the moment of their death - well, why doesn't Ryan just kill his daughter, suck out her soul, and then insert it into Anna using some sort of shiny, phallus-shaped piece of "V tech"? Honestly, this is the kind of show that would go there.

Tune in next week when Anna's mom eats a human soul and we get more bugfuck insane talk of breeding skins and how God wants us to stop the violence unless of course we're doing it for the children.