Friday's Smallville got all Fourth World on audiences with the debut of Granny Goodness and her Female Furies! Also, Tess learned her real name, Teri Hatcher guest-starred as Lois' mom from beyond the grave, and Clark was in bondage.

Friday's episode, "Abandoned," was totally insane and fairly entertaining. It has the Smallvillization of another Apokoliptic baddie, more big crazy character revelations, Clark fighting with his robo-dad, and an evil psychokinetic orphanage madam. Let's recapitulate the wackadoo events....


The episode begins with Tess having strange dreams about being trapped in an orphanage with a music box. When she wakes up from her troubled rest, she finds said strange music box in her boudoir. Clark ascertains that the music box comes from St. Louise's orphanage. They pose as Daily Planet reporters and investigate the orphanage, where Granny Goodness greets them with singing children. Clark hears a bleating faraway child in the middle of "Amazing Grace" and stomps off to investigate, looking like an insensitive creep in the process:

- After Clark leaves Tess with the surely crestfallen singing tots, he finds the crying child tied to a chair. Apparently Granny Goodness was going to brainwash her — Clark hides her in a closet for safe keeping (he leaves her there the entire episode, whoops!), walks down the hall, and discovers...



Seriously, it's like goddamn Xena down here. There's even an evil blacksmith making Kryptonite-infused weapons for no reason other to make Clark powerless! Mad Harriet kicks Clark's keister and they put him in bondage gear. Sultry!

Meanwhile, Granny tells Tess that she's been a sleeper agent for this Evil Orphanage Cabal all along — indeed, it was Granny who resurrected her in the Season 9 finale. Furthermore, powerful women all across the globe secretly work for Granny. Darkseid runs feminism! Tess once lived at the orphanage until her birth parents transfered her. Ms. Mercer attempts to escape, but Granny uses her telekinesis to trap Tess in her old bedroom. And look! Tess wrote the Smallville theme song!

Granny tries to erase Clark's memories, but he destroys her evil Kryptonite kiln using his frost breath. Lashina and Mad Harriet try to kill an escaping Tess, but Clark pulls a reverse-Indiana Jones on her.

At the end of the episode, Tess finds her birth certificate and learns that she's Lionel Luthor's illegitimate kid — her mom is Pamela Jenkins, Lex Luthor's nanny. Her birth name? Lutessa Lena Luthor. Alliteration! We also see a meeting with Granny, Godfrey, and Desaad, who is an honest-to-goodness sex club entrepreneur.

Apparently they're waiting for Darkseid to come back so they can overthrow the world with the combined might of orphans, talk radio, and BDSM. Not really, but this ain't an evil trinity of telecoms, ICBMS, and the oil industry. Also, I was somewhat disappointed that the psychic Granny didn't have super-strength — the image of her going toe-to-toe with Tom Welling would be priceless.

All this craziness happened in the main plot. In the side plot, Lois watched a video of her deceased mother (Teri Hatcher), tried to strongarm Jor-El into accepting Clark, and it looks like Clark will propose to Lois soon. In another season, all of these events would warrant their own episode, but the show's jam-packing a half-dozen or so big moments in every 60 minute block. A good idea, as this episode was another zippy, hilariously weird score for Season 10.