Michael Chiklis is back in another dysfunctional superhero clan, but it's No Ordinary Family. Stargate Universe returns with startling revelations. There's also Fringe, Supernatural, Chuck, Smallville, The Event, Venture Bros... and the weirdest Lord Of The Rings porn spoof ever.
Start off the week right, with a new Chuck on NBC at 8 PM. It's "Chuck Vs. The Suitcase."
When Chuck (Zachary Levi) and Sarah (Yvonne Strahovski) go undercover in Milan, Chuck realizes the "Achilles' Heel" in their relationship, but must set personal issues aside for the mission. Meanwhile, Morgan (Joshua Gomez) recognizes a fatal flaw that compromises the new Buy More. Elsewhere, Casey struggles to put down roots in Burbank.
For more weird science and neurosis, there's also a new House on Fox at 8 PM.
Meanwhile, the Cartoon Network once again has a whole roundup of weird cartoons, including the first season finale of Adventure Time at 8 PM, "Gut Grinder":
Plus Johnny Test at 7:30, , Regular Show at 8:15, and Mad at 8:30 PM, rounding up with Total Drama World Tour at 9 PM. But there's no new Scooby Doo - Mystery Inc. at 7 PM.
Then there's the second episode of The Event, "To Keep Us Safe," at 9 PM on NBC. Here are a whopping six sneak peeks:
Also at 9 PM: National Geographic has a special: Ancient X-Files: The Holy Grail.
The second season finale of Scream Queens is on VH1 at 10 PM. Find out at last which aspiring actress is getting a role in Saw 3-D, and who's the winner. (Those two not being the same person, presumably.)
Ghostbusters II is on Comedy Central at 3 PM. Wall-E is on Disney HD at 4:30 PM. Zardoz is on FMC at 7 PM. And The Grudge 2 is on FX at midnight, in case you're really desperate for late-night J-horror. Moon is also on Starz at 1 AM. The Uninvited is also on IFC at 3 AM.
It's the series premiere of No Ordinary Family! The show absolutely everyone is describing as "the live-action Incredibles." Michael Chiklis and Julie Benz are the parents of a family that gets superpowers after falling into some mysterious Brazilian glowy water. We found the pilot of this show a bit choppy and more than a little schlocky — but then again, we liked the pilot of The Event, so make your own judgments. Plus of course, what airs on Tuesday may be somewhat different from the pilot that was being sent around months ago.
Or you could watch the season premiere of Weird, True & Freaky on Animal Planet, also at 8 PM.
And then there's the second season premiere of Stargate Universe on Syfy at 9 PM. Says Syfy:
In the new season, the team fights to take back the ship from the Lucian Alliance, who transported themselves on board Destiny with plans to take control. The team also discovers their true mission. It's not about going home, it's about going further.
Here's a sneak peek:
And Syfy is having an SGU marathon all day to get you up to speed!
And then at 10 PM, there's the season finale of post-apocalyptic reality TV show The Colony on Discovery, plus Spike's show 1001 Ways To Die. At 10:30 PM, Animal Planet has The Lost Tapes: Kraken.
The Uninvited is on IFC again at 9 AM. Then at 10:30, Mel Brooks' disappointing Dracula: Dead And Loving It! is on Showtime. And Ghostbusters II is on Comedy again at 11 AM, followed by another airing of The Grudge 2 on FX at noon.. Brendan Frazer's Journey To The Center of the Earth is on HBO at 1:45 PM. Get ready for SGU by watching the original Stargate on G4 at 6:30 PM! Children Of The Corn: Revelation is on TMC at 8 PM. Also, Buffy The Vampire Slayer is on the Fox Movie Channel at 8:45 PM, followed by The Fly II at 10:15 PM.
Watch the second episode of J.J. Abrams' Undercovers at 8 PM on NBC, with "Instructions."
Science has another Sci-Fi Science: Physics Of The Impossible at 10:00 PM, focusing on "First Contact."
Syfy is showing bug/monster movies all day, including The Hive and Arachnophobia. Call in sick and stay home and watch The Spirit on TMC at 10:40 AM — you'll probably be sick for real, after a bit. Scary Movie is on E! at 1 PM. And then LIlo & Stitch is on Disney at 8 PM. At 11:45, the all-girl spy team movie D.E.B.S. is on IFC — no clue if there's anything science-fictiony about it, though. Larva is on Syfy at 3 AM, and The Day The World Ended is on AMC at 4:45 AM.
It's the episode of The Vampire Diaries you've been waiting for — or dreading — on The CW at 8 PM. At last, we're going to learn all about the mysterious Katharine, the evil vamp who looks like Elena. Will this mean more silly flashbacks with ridiculous costumes and bad wigs? Signs point to... yes!
Also at 8 PM, there's a new episode of The Universe on the History Channel, and The Big Bang Theory on CBS.
More importantly, there's a new Fringe at 9 PM on Fox, and it's just as insane and weird as last week's. This time around, we spend some more quality time with "our" Walter, plus Peter... and Fauxlivia. Who is willing to use her feminine wiles to distract Peter from certain unpleasant facts:
Also at 9 PM, the CW has a new Nikita, called "Rough Trade."
At 10 PM, Beast Legends on Syfy ("Winged Lion!") and the season finale of Stan Lee's Superhumans on the History Channel ("Jawbreaker!").
It's an odd combo on FX first thing in the morning — The Thirteenth Floor at 8 AM and The Sixth Day at 10 AM. There's another day of creature movies on Syfy, this time including a version of War Of The Worlds, War Of The Worlds 2: The Next Wave, and The Mutant Chronicles. Wolf is on Showtime at 9:55 AM. Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior is on AMC at 3:30 PM, followed by Mad Max 3: Beyond Thunderdome. Superman II is on BBC America at 5 PM. Men In Black is on TBS at 8 PM.
But by far the most awesome movie of the night is Lord Of The G-Strings: The Femaleship Of The String, on TMC at 1:15 AM. It's "an erotic parody of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy." If nobody utters the words, "You bow for no-one," I'll be dreadfully disappointed. Or you could watch Son Of The Mask, on TBS at 2 AM. But one of those two movies is obscene — and I'll leave it up to you to deduce which.
Meet The Flash (actually, three of them, including Kid Flash) on a brand new Batman: The Brave and the Bold at 7 PM on Cartoon Network. It's "Requiem For A Scarlet Speedster," in which Professor Zoom may be getting the upper hand. The whole thing's already on YouTube, since it already aired elsewhere:
If that doesn't scratch your superhero itch, there's a new Smallville, "Shield," on The CW at 8 PM :
There's also a new Medium on CBS at 8 PM, with "The Match Game."
Also at 8 PM, Genndy Tartakovsky has a new Sym-Bionic Titan on the Cartoon Network, followed by a new Generator Rex is at 8:30 PM. Finally, at 9, there's a new Star Wars: The Clone Wars, "Sphere Of Influence." Featuring Jabba — and Greedo!
Meanwhile, also at 9 PM, there's a new Supernatural on The CW. In "Two And A Half Men," Sam and Dean find a small child, and then get into some debates with Grandpa, who wants to raise him as a hunter. It's all family, all the time. And does anybody not think Grandpa is evil? Anybody?
Then there's the penultimate Haven of the season, on Syfy at 10 PM. It's called "Resurfacing":
Audrey and Nathan investigate the strange events surrounding a local fractured family, when an unseen force begins attacking visitors to their house.
Syfy is showing vampire movies all day, including some very odd-sounding Dracula films and Bloodrayne II: Deliverance. The Ninth Gate is on Bravo at 8:30 AM.
For some reason, Disney is showing the cable TV premiere of the direct-to-DVD movie Planet Hulk at 2 PM. Why not at least in the evening? No clue. It's also on at 3:45 PM, though.
Blankman is on Encore at 6 PM. The Onion Movie (that came out?) is on G4 at 9 PM. Jeepers Creepers is on MTV at 10 PM, followed by Sin City. Also at 10 PM: Halloween II on Showtime.
Pretty much the only thing sciencey on Saturday night is the season premiere of Iconoclasts on the Sundance Channel. This show pairs creative people from different fields, who talk about their inspirations, and the season opener features Charlize Theron talking to primatologist Jane Goodall. Maybe gorilla behavior will help Theron figure out why Aeon Flux bombed so badly.
Syfy is showing horror movies. Ghost is on TBS at 10:10 AM, followed by Michael at 12:45. G4 is showing the Back To The Future trilogy. Terminator 3 is on FX at 1 PM and so is Scooby Doo and the Legend of the Vampire, on the Cartoon Network. Then at 4:30 PM, Cartoon is showing Scooby Doo in Where's My Mummy? and then Scooby Doo: The Mystery Begins. Star Trek: First Contact is on BBC America at 6 PM. Volcano is on AMC at 10 PM — featuring Anne Heche as a geologist! Also at 10 PM, RoboCop is on G4.
Once again, Fox has its animation bloc from 8 to 10: a new Simpsons, a new Cleveland Show, a new Family Guy, and the season premiere of American Dad.
And then at 11:30 PM, Dr. Venture can try to get over his disappointment at not even making it into the finals of our Mad Scientist Smackdown (Luthor? Really?) with an all-new Venture Bros. episode called "Everybody Comes to Hank's," on the Cartoon Network at 11:30 PM. That's followed at 12:30 AM by a new Metalocalpyse, "Dethsiduals."
Eddie Murphy's Nutty Professor is on ABC Family at the ungodly hour of 7:30 AM, followed immediately by the sequel. Then Deep Blue Sea is on WGN at 8 AM. The original Clash Of The Titans is on BBC America at 9:30 AM. Terminator 3 is on FX again at 10 AM. Compare it with The Terminator, airing on AMC at 11 AM, followed by another helping of Volcano. Starting around 11 AM, Syfy starts showing some truly great films, including The Butterfly Effect 3 and The Seamstress. At 4 PM, G4 has Weird Science. Also at 4 PM, Cartoon Network is showing Scooby Doo and the Samurai Sword, followed by Scooby Doo: Abracadabra-Doo! and then Beetlejuice. The original (and still the most fluttery) Butterfly Effect is on Spike at 1 AM.