Oh, what a vampire night. Once again this show struggles to out-top itself after the infamous vampire news desk sign-off. And this being the second-to-last episode, we're starting to worry about True Blood reaching its vampire climax. NSFW.

Oh dear, True Blood. While last night's episode was stitched together with few funny quips and one tantalizing neck job, it was pretty tame. This is the second-to-last episode. It's time to bring out the big werewolf dogs, right? I'm starting to get very nervous that we're going to have a repeat of last year's double finale. One ending in season two was perfectly fine (the Godric Quantum leap) and the other was a Egg-licking cow-fisting disaster. Did True Blood already blow its vampire load thanks to the Vampire King of Mississippi's spine-ripping newscast? Because as of right now, this show it making meth addict were-panthers boring. That being said, there was some good in here, let's Pro and Con it:


Pro: So True Blood didn't win any Emmys. Are we surprised? Not really. This show isn't necessarily gold trophy bait, BUT next year Denis O'Hare should win all of the awards. All of them. I'm starting my O'Hare for the EGOT campaign right here, right now people. Give this man all the Hollywood bling he can stuff inside a crystal candy dish. So yes, the Emmys gets a Pro for reminding me that O'Hare award fever should be sweeping the nation next year.

Pro: Another great moment that was most likely inspired by the Emmys was the "In Memoriam" tribute. Complete with heart-tugging instrumentals, actor over-the-shoulder looks and kill shots. Oh poor Karl, we miss you and your inability to provide towels so damn much. Here is that video:

Click to view

Pro: But enough of this memorializing, let's get to the meat. We start this episode right where we left off. Sookie is chained up in the basement of Eric's club for vampire sex, draining, or both. It's True Blood, so I think we can all safely assume it's both. Bill "feels" her fear and vampires over to Fangtasia. Pam calls Bill an infatuated tween. Finally, someone said it.


Pro: Once again Bill gets blasted in the face with some sort of strange substance. Whether it's fairy light-fingers or Pam's new bottle of silver spray, people love shooting things in Bill's face.

Con: Yvetta comes downstairs to free Sookie. Well that was easy.

Pro: Yvetta and Sookie have a quickie girl bonding session over how much they both hate "big blond stupid" I stupid Eric. OMG he's the worstest.

Con: While I enjoyed this moment from Yvetta, I can't help but think back on happier times...when Eric and Yvetta spent their evenings chained up in the sex basement. Sour grapes, Yvetta.

Con: She's a cardiologist. Nope.

Pro: Bill screams like a girl when sprayed with more silver.

Con: Yvetta was a cardiologist in her home land. No. No, she wasn't.

Con: I'm very tired of the Jesus and Lafayette storyline. Not because I don't want to see Lafayette happy, trust me I do. Plus I really like Jesus. But this was so much more interesting when Lala and Jesus were just dating, not because Jesus turned into a green Juggalo. Magnets how do they work?

Pro: I did, however, jump when he turned into the nasty beast.

Con: Crystal is back.

Pro: Jason walks out on Crystal with the classic, "I gottaaaa goooooo" line.

Pro: Meanwhile in relationships we're actually invested in, Jessica and Hoyt are back together!


Pro: Jessica tells Hoyt that she killed a trucker. These feels so much more like a "hey while we were broken up I slept with my ex" conversation than an "oops I murdered someone" conversation.

Pro: Hoyt zips open his tracksuit (there are a lot of tracksuits on this show) and says, "drink me" to Miss Jessica. How is that hot? I don't know, but it is.

Pro: Jessica then gives him what I can only describe as a neck job.

Pro: The King and Eric finally have their post-Talbot death chat. Russell says to Eric: "I'm about to put an end to your insignificant existence life this is not the time to be obscure." But what we really heard was this "Iiimmmmabout to put AN eeend too your inSIGnifICANT EXisTence. This is nawt the tiiiimee to bee Abscure." Now that is a Hollywood Southern accent. ACTING!


Pro: Eric calls Russell out for butchering his family for a new addition to his "vast collection of meaningless shit." Good.

Pro: New vampire terminology: "Blood Grudge."

Con: Eric tempts Russell with daywalking. Even this sounds too ridiculous for this show. Then again, we've been dealing with fairies all season, so yeah, par for the course.

Pro: Russ drops a big "Clever Girl" Jurassic Park reference.

Pro: Eric's cell phone ring is "Ain't We Got Fun." Siiiiigh.

Con: I rarely get physically angry with this series, but after a great showdown between two riveting characters (Russell and Eric), we're now subjected to the most tedious vampire relationship talk ever. Thank God we took a time out from the freaking finale where there are werewolf sluts, super strong ancient vampire Kings, and blood grudges to listen to Bill and Sookie discuss "starting over again." But it doesn't stop there! This insipid conversation prattles on to the point where these two start dreaming up different jobs for each other in their fantastical, start-over relationship life. It's enough to make you wish that Sookie actually does gets drained and Bill is forced to teach third graders in some alternate vampire hell hole. I don't even want to have these discussions in my own personal life. So there's no reason that I want to see my mythical supernatural TV characters waste my precious wine-fueled Sunday nights engaging in vampire relationship talks. You're a vampire. Go do vampire stuff.

Pro: That might have been a little mean. Because in hindsight, I would totally enjoy a historical vampire flashback of Bill teaching third grade. "NAW class, please acquire your penceeels. War're practasing our cursaavve penmanship tuhday. BILLY cease and deceit pulling thawt young ladies pig tails. You children are wasting your human lives with this tomfoolery!"


Pro: And finally to back up that very angry rant...when you're used to getting crazy vampire sex on a regular basis from this show and then they cruelly and quickly take it all away (only to replace it with Couple's Car Therapy for Idiots), it burns. We need it. We need our vampire sex fix, give it to us now! Or at least how about a little violence? Just give us something to take the edge off. And no, Tara sex doesn't count.

Con: This again.

Con: Sam is being so hard again. Sorry Sam, your insults sting like a kitty mewing for milk. Until…


Pro: Sam calls Terry a "shell-shocked motherfucker." Whoa. Whoa. Pump the breaks buddy.

Con: Jason goes to his old high School in pursuit of an old storyline we all though was dead.

Con: The new high school quarterback throws like Tim Robbins in Bull Durham. Different sports, same idea.


Pro: Hoyt's mom is behind Summer's virginity seduction dance. We did not see this coming. Summer, stay away from her! She's the worst!

Pro: "I baked for him. I opened up my heart to him. I showed him my best underwear. There's nothing else I could do. " We've all been there sweetie. If I could reach through this TV and hug her I would. And don't fret — your biscuits were delightful.


Con: Tara has a new lease on life. How do we know this? Because she walks right up to Sheriff Andy and has the world's most OMINOUS booth sit down. Sheesh.

Con: Dear Tara, about Eggs not deserving to die…

Pro: I am consistently and constantly floored with Andy. Let's just say Chris Bauer is a phenomenal actor. Meanwhile I don't have a clue what is going on with Tara. Seriously, what is she doing? Is she relating to him? Feeling sadness? I don't know.

Pro: Did not expect Tommy to freak out with Sam kicking him out. But that was one of the better brother arguments I've seen in a while.

Con: Does anyone really know why Sam is mad anyways? I mean really. Not because he's flashbacking.


Con: What in the what? Tara? What is going on? Is it just me or are they all acting like they are under Maryann's control again?

Con: Arlene and the new Waitresses try to have a Ya Ya Sisterhood Abortion.

Con: More pointless Jason high school stuff and Arlene not believing in abortion, unless it applies to her. Yada, yada we know most of this stuff about these characters already.

Pro: When Russell smashes the car Bill "mom arms" Sookie.

Con: Meanwhile Sam and Tara sit down and basically explain all of reasons I dislike them and have creepy sex that was about as sexy as a turtle humping a shoe.

Pro: Lafayette's bad dream is scary as hell.

Pro: Terry is surprised that they think she's going to lose the baby. With all that blood. Oh Terry. We're surprised that Terry wears socks to bed. Terry is the sweetest.

Con: Jason decides he loves Crystal. Also, Jason doesn't know where to look for Sookie? The only place he checked was his old high school. What about Fangtasia, where Sookie almost always is?

Con: What is a double cousin?

Pro: Terry's victory dance in the hospital when he realizes the baby is OK.

Pro: Russell teases Sookie by asking her if she has wings. Then Sookie gets, um, double vampire teamed?

Pro: Eric tells Pam he loves her. Aw.

Pro: The whole, "This is how we're going to trick the King plan is great." Very clever. But I love it more because it gave me this image. I will treasure this forever. [Not a screen grab — this is an actual released image by HBO).

Pro: Eric's "fooled ya" face. After watching Eric handcuff himself to the King, I couldn't help but wish for a Bulletproof 2 movie starring Eric and The King?