Last Sunday's True Blood took all the long-winded fang banter about vampire kings, vampire queens, magisters, vampire equality acts, and "authorities" and turned it into something interesting. From here on out, vampire politics cease to be boring! Some NSFW pics.
I've been accused before of being a bit of a "fangirl" when it comes to True Blood. Sorry haters, but this is going to be one of those times. Last night had the best conclusion in True Blood history. Plus, Ginger's back. But let's let the Pros and Cons do the talking shall we?
Pro: Eric soars in on the vampcam. He's like the wind, that one.
Pro: Eric lands in Fangtasia and Pam and I both freak out because, as she said, "You never panic! Should I be panicking?" The answer, yes. Everyone should be panicking.
Pro: Ginger is back, and looking slightly less beat as hell. Good for you girl.
Con: But there's not time for reunion hugs, the V-Feds are here and apparently they want Pam and Eric to join the Rhythm Nation.
Con: Nan's entrance. Although I love Nan, this entrance was eye-rolling. Was she sitting standing behind all the "V-Feds" waiting for the sounds of Eric and Pam coming out of the office so that she could time her entrance just right? Did she make everyone line up this way to increase the dramatic effect? Maybe she thought she heard them a little early and accidentally started walking towards the entrance only to have to quickly turn around and run back to her table, sunglasses on. Oh Nan.
Con: We get it, she's a big deal. But honestly all these kings, queens, Magisters, Nan and now the faceless Authority, I'm not really sure who to fear anymore. Who is trouble? Who do we really care about? Which Authority figure actually has authority because right now it seems like no one does.
Con: It is time to retire using the phrase, "The Authority."
Con: SILVER HIM. This is a big threat now? Big enough to cut to the titles? I dunno Nan.
Pro: While Talbot being dead is absolutely a Con, we're totally ready to watch the vampire King unhinge with rage.
Pro: He does.
Con:The King immediately notices that the Viking crown is gone. So naturally Eric killed Talbot. Mystery over. The end. Boooo. We were holding out for the King knowing the entire time. Who notices that stuff right away? Also Eric, you suck at stealing things.
Pro: Of course Bill enters the shower by strangling Sookie, this is a totally normal and sexy way to get into a shower.
Con: More crappy foreshadowing, but this time with boobs. The camera zooms in on Bill fixing Sookie's bite marks with his blood. I just want to know one thing, who out there forgot that this is what vampire blood does? We know this.
Pro: But a big pro for taking a very hot sex scene and making it scary with the possible Psycho reference blood circling the drain angle.
Pro: Dennis O'Hare. Just sayin'.
Con: After the bloody sex shower Sookie and Bill head downstairs. Maybe now they will go look for Bill's responsibility, Jessica, who was almost killed by the King Vampire and a werewolf last week. Nope? Tidying up Sookie's house takes top priority...well, after hate sex and then a shower, of course. Bill, your vampire parenting skills leave much to be desired.
Pro: On the plus side, the relationship talk was very funny. Nothing phases Sookie anymore, well besides full dead werewolf frontal. And this was cute: "Just once I'd like to not find a dead body in my house." Same here Sooks.
Pro: Jesus in Lafayette's robe. Super cute. Plus did you notice that Jesus is literally surrounded by pictures of Mary and Jesus?
Pro: Does Lafayette drink Jose Cuervo Black?
Con: Wait, on second thought, are they just lounging around half-naked while Lafayette's crazy momma is running around his house? Methinks this isn't the best idea ever. I guarantee that if my mother is spending the night in my home, crazy or sane, the last thing I'm doing is having an after-sex nightcap in the middle of my home.
Con: While Jesus' jaguar tattoo is sexy and all, we get it, he's into mysticism and whatnot. You've established this before True Blood , what with the sex praying in front of the idols and karma talks and on and on.
Con: Crystal and Jason. That is all.
Pro: Meanwhile, back with Eric and the V-Feds raid there's a BIG reveal, Eric is a Virgo.
Pro: Nan calls Ginger a "screeching fang cushion."
Con: "The Authority" communicate to Nan via webcams. This is only making me hate "The Authority" even more. Ridiculous. Why? Also, the best part is that there are two cameras, and they both turn at the same time like it was a robot head. This "Authority" better pay off.
Con: Doesn't look like it will...
Pro: Arlene needs 9 hours of sleep for the baby. Terry is starting to finally understand that his lady his full of crap and demands. And yet, it doesn't really seems like it bothers him. Why? Because. He is. The Best.
Con: Sam walks into his brothers naked party and asks him if he's high? This is what you ask him? How about, "Hey. Could you stop waving your pubes at me?"
Con: Tommy is slowly becoming the new Tara to me. While Tara is slowly growing, Tommy is regressing into a spoiled kid who acts out because he's lived a hard life. It's not interesting, and I like his character. But right now he's merely serving as a loud, irritating obstacle in Sam's life. If it keeps on going this way no one is going to care what happens to Tommy. Which is sad because earlier he was doing a great job straddling both sides of the obnoxious-hillbilly-and-broken-kid fence.
Pro: As much as I loathe Crystal and her meth family, Jason gets love for asking if the guy they just tied up and dropped in the woods "needs medical assistance" after getting prompted by the 911 operator. Jason is a really great character. But True Blood has got to give him something better to do besides Crystal.
Pro: Ruby needs to bless everyone's Jell-O before they can eat it.
Con: Because of Crystal, Kevin is hurt. More reason to hate Crystal.
Pro: Andy and Jason are both trying to get each other to help them out. It's like the battle of the idiots. Andy won't yell at Jason for pretending to be a cop and Jason is baiting Andy with the "you already thought of that already" shtick. It's adorable. I know there's a Baby Vamp Jessica blog, but why not a video blog that's just Jason and Andy in his cruiser hitting the dirt roads of Bon Temps?
Pro: Andy keeps complaining about his ulcer while eying the bag of v-juice mischievously. My gut reaction to this scenario is, "Oh Lord, here we go again." One more plot line to wrap around another character for no good reason. But, but maybe it will be different! I really hope that Andy doesn't become a v-juice addict and instead, he uses the blood to heal Kevin. After all, this episode spent a lots of time in the shower blatantly showing us the healing powers of vampire blood. Because it's not like we haven't been watching for the 3 seasons.
Pro: Tara goes to get help in a support group. This makes me happy for two reasons. First, this needed to be done. As much as I love the character that is Franklin Mott, he really did some horribly unspeakable things to Tara. I'm glad she went to the group to show audience members that these places exist. Second, even though I'm not loving this new character waitress, she does deliver the one speech I've been dying for Tara to hear forever. Stop expecting the worst out of everyone and everything. Hopefully this will help broaden Tara's character — already she's been acting more like a human being and less like a character whose entire purpose is to get crapped on and then yell about said crapping in a bad accent.
Con: I do not, however, like that the witch waitress — yes True Blood, we all know she's a witch, your hints are as delicate as a hammer to the face — is running the group. What's next? Is she going to move in with Arlene? Help Tommy release his anger in more constructive ways? Be a shoulder for Jessica to bloody cry on? I see what you're doing here and I don't like it. It reeks of last season's Maryann. And we all remember how that ended, right? A whole episode where a group of characters sat in togas liking an egg that had absolutely nothing to do with anything.
Pro: To commenter Stangetz for finally figuring out where we know the new waitress from...
Con:The next title reads, "Sookie Stackhouse Is Magical." Thank goodness for strangely helpful headlines.
Pro: Mind reading fish talkin'.
Con: Hadley's little boy Hunter is dragged off by his mother screaming "she knows, she knows." Huh? Hadley knows? Sookie knows? The Queen knows? This possibly scary moment was lost on me.
Con: Called it. The waitress has now endeared herself to Arlene, complete with strange chant-like vocals in the background. She's a witch.
Pro: Important vampire fairyland wardrobe change.
Con: Bill emerges from the pond the "mysteriously deep" pond from the last episode. This is probably important for obvious metaphor reasons. Like Sookie's light, the cup, the water everything else in the Fern Gully porno dream world.
Pro: Eric is soooo sleepy.
Pro: Eric and Pam's moment between vampire maker and vampire child. This season has actually been doing a pretty good job of revealing the real relationship between Eric and Pam. And of course, when Eric tells Pam that it's her turn to be a maker, they immediately cut to baby Jessica. Now that's some heavy-handed foreshadowing we can get behind.
Pro/Con: Hoyt's hatred of Summer is both upsetting and encouraging. Encouraging because Jessica and Hoyt belong together, you will never convince me of the opposite. But it's upsetting because I also enjoy "strawber' preserves," outlandishly big sundresses seemingly made from my grandmother's curtains, biscuits, talking about myself, show tunes and antiquing. And if Hoyt hates all of those things, he's bound to hate me as well. Summer's alone on the strange doll fetish though. That's just weird. *Pushes Transformer toys under the bed.*
Pro: This is the second "antiquing" mention that's been thrown around in True Blood. Why, no idea. But I'm pretty sure you most definitely can go antiquing in the dark. Still that was an adorable phrase Summer.
Pro: Lafayette wants "to meet the sick fuck who ordered the veggie burger with bacon." Turns out it was just Jesus! The Jesus he's sleeping with, not the Messiah. I'm thinking the real L.O.G. would probably just order chicken wings.
Pro: Hoyt and Jessica's quickie dinner table talk was one of the main reasons I'm such a champion for these two — it is the most emotionally grounded relationship on this show. And she's a vampire. It doesn't matter if Jessica's fangs flick out from time to time, these two ooze depression, anger and angst without teetering into the melodramatic ridiculousness that so many others on this show have fallen into. Just about everyone who's ever been in a relationship has attempted to have the "feeling it out" conversation. Where each party prods the other to see if there are any sort of feelings still left in there. Doesn't matter what kind, lust, love, hatred, whatever. You just need to know. It's an unpleasant yet necessary dance of shame that almost always ends in tears. Either the next morning, or 5 minutes later. While the moment came and went faster than anything else on this episode, it was my second favorite moment.
Pro: The end was my favorite moment.
Pro: Jessica also looked absolutely stunning last night.
Pro: While Russell is on the roof with his Cup O' Talbot, he physically turns the candy dish around so Talbot can "see" Fangtasia. Amazing.
Con: I had a hard time not thinking about another inanimate character during this sequence.
Pro: Lafayette's make-up this episode is fab.
Con: Crystal's dad is sniffing around Merlotte's again, literally. Ugh.
Pro: Sam goes crazy and breaks a coffee pot over meth Daddy's head.
Con: Sam goes too crazy. So what are the meth people were-kitties or more were-puppy shape shifters. And if they are were-kitties, why does Sam care? Can't he turn into all sorts of things like a fly? Shouldn't Alcide really hate these guys if they are were-kitties or mean were-puppies? Just seems like common sense.
Pro: Franklin is back! Tara is surprisingly doing a great job putting him in his place. Good for you, tell him what's up.
Con: Franklin is dead. *Throws hands in the air*
Con: That was a terrible death for a very interesting character. I'm assuming the wooden bullet hit him in the heart, right? Or else splinters would be a big problem for the vampire population.
Pro: FINALLY THE END SCENE:
Pro: Amazing. Even the exaggerated pausing and vigorous scenery chewing doesn't stop this moment from becoming the best ending on True Blood thus far. Nothing has topped this. Nothing. Leave it to Dennis O'Hare to make vampire politics interesting. Give this man every award that exists. Also if I could have made that "Gangsta" necklace say "EGOT" I would have. Dennis O'Hare for the EGOT!
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Pro: Is this a "game changer?" You betcha. Can't wait for next weekend when the human race takes to the streets armed with wooden bullets and silver stakes. Which is probably why Franklin had to die the worst death ever...to remind viewers that it is, in fact that easy to kill a vampire, sort of.
Pro: After this scene everyone in my living room was congratulating each other on a job well done, like we had something to do with this. And threatening to eat each others' children. Hey, it happens. Even the "Now here's the weather" sign off was a cheesetastically delicious. Hell he could have just said "Eddington Out!" and we would have applauded. Well done True Blood, we did not see that one coming. And you didn't even have to have through-the-pants, head turning, hate sex to wow us!
[A BIG thank you to Scifi/Fantasy TV Screen Caps for snagging many of these screengrabs and to Cyriaque Lamar for "Vampcam"]