Everyone brought their A-game to last night's True Blood, everyone. Questions were answered, light drinks were served, and Jason was finally back on his idiot A-Game. Small NSFW image.

What a night! For the first time in a long time I felt like True Blood managed to keep all the plot points in the air without smashing juggling balls into the audience. Probably because they felt like it was ok to give a few characters a break and let some other folks shine. Plus, we finally figured out why Sookie has light fingers! Because she drinks light punch. Right? I don't know, let's Pro and Con it.


Pro: Lorena sucking on Sookie's neck paired with Bill's grunting noises - together it all sounds like some sort of sticky three way. Yep, seems about right for this series.

Pro: Lorena's gruesome blood geyser exit.

Con: Lorena is dead. No more sad high school blood tears or moping over Bill. I will miss your particular kind of crazy my dear, mainly because she justified most of my high school relationships with the opposite sex.


Pro: Alcide and Tara roll up in his "Herveaux Contracting" van. Fancy that, it's light-proof, great for vampires! Plus it has Alcide's company name on the side, so clearly this is not a totally ridiculous thing that just happened. Suck it, plot holes.

Pro: Sookie's pitiful little "uh huh" sob while picking bits of Lorena off her boyfriend. "Why does everything always happen to me!"

Con: Sookie knows the word "manacles." : / ......

Pro: When vampires die, this is what they look like. Uh oh, Tara you are SCREWED! Which means, Franklin is STILL ALIVE. This was a triumph.

Pro: Debbie Pelt shows up and delivers a fantastic Vampire Burrito quip.

Pro: When you google "vampire burrito" this is the image you get.

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Pro: But enough of this bloody mess; what's Sam up to? I know you guys are all wondering. Ah, he's on the road looking for Tommy and the rest of his backwoods family. Well, no luck here, this guy is certainly not guarding any illegal activities.

Pro: Undercover Sam is just as good of an actor as undercover Eric and Bill. "Aaaah was told thar was gonna be some dawg fightin' har. I was hopin' tah gettin' on tha aaaactshun." Master Thespians these three.

Pro: Also it needs to be said, especially after Sam's disastrous hillbilly accent fiasco, Debbie's twang is the only cliched yapping that doesn't make me want to ram The Queen of Louisiana's hair pins in my ears. She is the best.

Con: Back to the King's torture room/antiques storage. Tara mind melds with Sookie, yet again. I really hope this mind chatter doesn't become commonplace between these two. Especially since this is Tara's "Sookie read my thoughts" face, subtle guys.

Pro: Alcide starts to have the "it's just a scar, we all got scars" emotional metaphor talk with Debbie. She ends up revealing why she's so pissed all the time, because he wouldn't give her a baby. But Alcide, think of all the tiny baby halter tops and jean cut-offs?

Pro: Cooter gets Old Yeller-ed.

Con: No Cooter death jokes? Come on TB we'll do the work for you!

Cooter was sent to live on a farm.
Not all dogs go to heaven.
Cooter had to be put down.
That werewolf was put to sleep.
Every dog has his day.
Cooter's final dog days of summer.


Pro: Debbie goes nuts, rightly so, looks right at her ex-wolf and snarls, "I'll sniff you out. I will come after you and I will hunt you down." Alcide believes her. Shit, I do too.

Con: Tara's super strength. What you don't remember why she can haul an entire vampire body over her shoulder? Well thankfully she spells it out for the audience, "All this V I have in me is making me strong." All I heard was, "These pretzels are making me thirsty."


Pro: Alcide and Tara pile Bill into the conveniently windowless van and proceed to get into a werewolf car chase. This is quickly ended by Alcide side-swipping a puppy.

Pro: "I never though I was smart enough to get depressed." Thank. God. Jason. Is. Back. To. Being. Great.

Pro: Back to Sam, and it's Go Go Gadget Doggie Disguise.

Pro: While Sam is playing Doggie Detective, his show decides to point out that dog Sam has "big balls," either in spirit or in the flesh. But come on, you know it's the latter.

Pro: Hoyt's new girlfriend brings him yummy biscuits. Biscuits = vagina.

Pro: Did Hoyt's new lady just say "strawbrer preserves?" She is now golden in my book.


Con: Flash to the Queen of Louisiana's day room where she is being held captive like a tiny bird. She then does the unthinkable and drops a SUUKIE bomb. Listen Queen. You don't get to say "Suukie." Actual Sookie was only allowed to say it one time, because that one time was funny. If you kill this for us, we'll find you. This is our thing, ours. Stop it now.

Con: "The only vampire a vampire a can trust is the one you've made." If this is some sort of foreshadowing of a Pam death, that will make us very unhappy. VERY UNHAPPY.


Pro: And cut back to Jason, he's going to interrogate one of Crystal's "cousins." And ends up delivering a gem Jason line, "I'm a cop. I'm almost a cop." I love that it doesn't matter one bit to Jason if it's legal or not, in his mind, he's a cop of some kind.

Pro: Alcide has to go to the bathroom in the middle of his werewolf getaway. True Blood makes sure to get a shot of him talking to Tara whilst urinating, followed by a prompt shake off.

Pro: Tara's Hulk out face when she sees what Bill has done to little Sookie.

Con: Bill drained Sookie of all her magical non-existent blood type blood. Thus allowing an entirely too long hospital montage.


Pro: Puppy Tommy is adorable. And actually looks legitimately concerned, which is also a bit creepy, but still cute. Already this dog is a better actor than Eggs.

Con: Sam lets all the fighting dogs loose. Look dog fighting is bad, but unleashing dozens of animals that have been trained to kill into the wild is probably a really terrible idea.

Pro: Sam speaks Rottweiler.

Pro: Jason needs to get "his" prisoner meth so he can find out more about his lady friend. Lafayette's response to Jason's meth request: "Jason No." *Hand Gesture*

Con: Sam rails against his biological family for making their son shape shift into a dog so he can fight other dogs. "I thought Tara had a shitty mother." Sam, do these people even know who Tara is?


Pro: Lafayette and Jason rush to Sookie's hospital bedside where Lafayette then demands that everyone stop cussing at comatose Sookie while telling her they love her.

FAIRY LAND: Alright let's get into the coma fairyland scene, because wow. And I mean wow.

Pro: When Sookie falls into a coma, she wakes up in what can only be described as a Fern Gully porno.


Con: The magical pool, which we have no idea "how deep it REALLY IS," is pretty lax on dress code. I'm pretty sure that if I was in a coma there wouldn't be thin, topless girls hanging out in my light pond. I would, however, get to ride the white wolf Alcide around in a cowgirl outfit.

Pro: This is an actual conversation that happens in the coma world....

- "Can we dance?"
- "We can always dance."
- "I knew you were going to say that."
- "I knew you were going to say that."

Con: The 5th grade ballerina recital dresses both Sookie and Claudine are sporting.


Pro: I'm going to stop myself from going through this scene and line by line pro-ing it. Her cup is empty, and she needs to be filled up with light water, Bill being the darkness. This moment is basically getting smothered to death by metaphors. It's like rock torture. And I'm 100% into it, it's so bad it's good. Smother me raver fairies! This whole scene pushed this season's True Blood right across the rat-shit-insane Rubicon. I'm not even going to be jaded and say "Buffy did it first." But well... just sayin'.


Pro: Pam's back! Ahe may be tied down in silver chains, but she's still going toe-to-toe with the Magister. Pam you've still got it sweetheart.

Con:The King of Mississippi shows up with the Queen of Louisiana to get married by the Magister. They then proceed to say "Authority" 12 times. I counted.

Pro: But all the authority-checking doesn't really lessen the King's overall wedding moment. Give Denis O'Hare all of the awards Hollywood. We writhed in delight when he compared the Magister's actions to that of a human, air kissed his new wife, and then lobbed off the Magnus' bald head.

Pro: Thanks for reminding me commenters. Lorena's big goodbye after the credits, here it is!

Click to view

Ep. 31: Postmortem - An Undying Love

[A BIG thank you to Scifi/Fantasy TV Screen Caps for snagging many of these images.]