Oh, we had us a fine time tweet-lambasting our way through the Wachwoskis' hotly anticipated-thoroughly underwhelming second chapter in the Matrix trilogy. In case you missed it, here's the cream of the crop.
@io9commentary aside from Star Wars Episode 1, I can't remember a movie more hotly anticipated — and a bigger letdown — than Matrix Dos.
@io9commentary nor can I recall an actress who went so quickly from hot to harsh as Carrie Anne Moss.
@io9commentary this entire movie is like a whispered bad dream. SPEAK UP, PEOPLE! Oh, and who let Roy Jones Jr pilot a hoverthingie?
@fallapart Wow, and has any couple had less onscreen chemistry other than Neo & Trinity other than Amidala and Anakain?
@io9commentary i will, however, always give credit to the Wachowskis for imagining a future filled with dark-skinned people. With bad skin.
@io9commentary there's something so antiseptic to these fight scenes. no one feels any pain, so it's just actors going through the motions.
@io9commentary His Imperial Fatness, reporting for duty.
@io9commentary So this is a civilization that can build hoverthingies, mechas and giant gorram cities, and no one can make decent clothes?
@io9commentary I mean, seriously: in the history of people making things, fine threads came before UNDERGROUND CITIES. WITH PLUMBING.
@cecilseaskull I love Gina Torres.
@wittyallusion This movie needs more Gina Torres with a shotgun. And more Serenity. And less Matrix.
@io9commentary "Listen, Mr. Zion Architect. I need 87 levels of livable quarters, a giant dock, and a big-ass room for fucking. KTHNXBYE."
@cecilseaskull This part has always confused me. Why a rave?
@lindsayekonkle Plot is not important when people are DANCING
@io9commentary why don't the Machines attack, you know, when all of Zion is fucking each other? Basic strategy, really.
@io9commentary as dumb as this might be in a movie, Young Marc would've killed a dude for an invite to the Soul Train Fuck Party.
@io9commentary I'm going to sleep now. Wake me up when the sad one starts hitting people again. And when they talk louder.
@io9commentary more TALKING. At least they've gone outside into the Exposition Playground in the Projects
@io9commentary someone remind me why Neo doesn't just fly away? He already got the info from the Oracle. Now he's just fighting to fight.
@JaySlacks I sort of know we are supposed to make fun of this flick, but I'm actually having fun.
@cecilseaskull this is kind of a cool fight.
@io9commentary it is a cool fight, until Neo becomes a CG rendering of Keanu. Then it loses all coolness.
@io9commentary again, there was no dramatic/story reason for the Burly Brawl. it's just there to dupe us into forgetting nothing's happening.
@KickBoy the single greatest threat we face.... machines are coming.... Many bothans died to bring us this information
@io9commentary okay, I'm going downstairs for more beer. go on without me.
@io9commentary oh, look. I came back just in time for Monica Boobucci, code-crotch shots, and MORE TALKING, but with an French accent.
@cecilseaskull actually, that french cursing is pretty funny (and terribly dirty)
@cecilseaskull oh it is too unlady like! (but it was like do you in your butt you whore of poop and dogs mother etc.)
@io9commentary I've been paying relatively close attention, but do we know why Neo needs the Keymaker, other than that he was told he did?
@io9commentary So, werewolves are from the Matrix? Quick, call someone who gives a shit!
@misanthrope80 And here, on your right is the Exposition Dungeon
@io9commentary this, right here, begins the best 30 mins — the only 30 mins you need of this movie. Action scenes with purpose, drive.
@io9commentary hands down, the best kung fu of the movie. No CG, just intricate choreography.
@io9commentary They built their own freeway. Something like three miles of it. At least it's a good chase. Not Ronin-good. But good.
@wittyallusion Fun fact: This highway is now used to test myths on #Mythbusters!
@io9commentary Worst use of slow motion ever. You can't hide shitty CG when we can see precisely how shitty it is.
@io9commentary His Imperial Fatness is taking a stand.
@fallapart There's still 40 minutes left? Of what?
@io9commentary It's Morpheus' turn in the Exposition Chair. And the Keymaker left it all...warm.
@io9commentary What a boring gorram office the Architect has. Unless he likes to watch a lot of porn, and i mean A LOT
@fallapart Colonel Sanders is the Architect.
@io9commentary In all seriousness, this is a pretty great reveal: that the Matrix happens over and over again. Because it must.
@io9commentary that the only way to enslave mankind is to give them the chance to choose to rebel. Neo is the apotheosis of that choice.
@io9commentary this is the only talkathon worth listening to. It fundamentally shifts what we know about the World, and the people in it.
@io9commentary And how can this be? For he IS the kwisatz haderach! Also, because a crappy neo ex machina ending is what they wanted.
@misanthrope80 It's the Ersatz Haderach
@io9commentary so now, for no reason we can fathom, Neo can affect shit in the real world. gang, the story only goes downhill from here
@fallapart I love that there's literally a "Dum Dum Dah" moment at the end. #io9moviemonday
@io9commentary the last saving grace: we don't have to wait until after the credits to get a peep of Matrix Revolutions. We know it sucks.