Just because you've got a mouthful of formaldehyde (instead of Jägermeister) doesn't mean you have to give up your party-hearty
lifestyle deathstyle! Here are 10 documented ways you can become a weekend warrior for all eternity.
10.) Turn your skull into a bong.
Why give your body to a medical school, where a bunch of smarmy overachievers will use your small intestine as strings for the marionette that is your colon? Instead, donate your cranium to your broheims, who will use your brainpan to rip sticky dank nugs! You won't have a vote when it comes to picking out the music ("Shit brah, Dream Theater again?"), but at least no one will forget to pass you the pipe...because you are the pipe. Whoa.
Pros: You will become a conversation piece for decades; your skull is a bong.
Cons: Dubious legality. Some enterprising young stoners have attempted this on multiple occasions only to receive a stern rebuke from Johnny Law. Of course, these chuckleheads were grave-robbing. I'm no attorney, so I'm just going to say your legal mileage may vary.
9.) Give your dome to a production of Hamlet.
If transforming your skull into a pipe for your brosephs' "ELO evenings" isn't quite your speed, all you drama nerds can always bequeath your skull to your local theater department. After all, there's historical precedent for casting Yorick like this.
Pros: You're in the best scene of the show and you don't have to memorize any lines.
Cons: There's only so many productions that require skulls. Unless the theater troupe is curated by Gwar, there's no chance you'll receive a marquee role in Guys and Dolls.[as
8.) Display your body riding a sweet motorcycle.
When David Morales Colón of San Juan, Puerto Rico was murdered this April, he became internet famous after the funeral home mounted his corpse on his prized Honda CBR600 F4.
Pros: Seeing as how you're legally dead, the Five-O can't arrest you for breaking the speed limit...
Cons:...but you can't take off the parking brake. Damn.
7.) Pull a Cynthia Plaster Caster and immortalize your genitalia
Sex from beyond the pall is a pain. In order to consummate your post-mortem whoopie, your mate must either risk ending up on a registry or make out with Whoopi Goldberg. Why not give a synthetic model of your junk to your significant other next Valentine's Day? Roses wilt — these won't (links NSFW).
Pros: Your beloved won't run off with Whoopi Goldberg.
Cons: You'll be dumped before you're dead.
6.) Fire your ashes into a fireworks display.
Pros: Hunter S. Thompson did it.
Cons: Hunter S. Thompson did it. Don't be a poser.
5.) Have a viking funeral.
Pros: Easily the most macho of send-offs; it guarantees your friends a cookout by the beach.
Cons: The Coast Guard; most folks' Valhalla credentials are tarnished by not having "Scandinavian berserker" on their resumes.
4.) Have a Balinese funeral.
In Bali, you'll be treated to a funeral complete with floats and a parade. It's like your own private Memorial Day! After the procession, your body will be cremated in a large bull sculpture. Okay, so it's not exactly like Memorial Day.
Pros: A bunch of strangers cheer their brains out for you. Hey, you're more popular posthumously! Like Van Gogh!
Cons: You need some serious scratch. Flammable bull sarcophagi don't grow on trees, ya know.
3.) Donate your phalanges to the Sour Toe Saloon.
At the Downtown Hotel in Dawson City, Yukon, you can sample the famed Sour Toe Cocktail, a.k.a. a salt-cured human toe served in a glass of hooch. The tradition began in 1973 after Sour Toe founder Captain Dick Stevenson found a pickled miner's toe from the 1920s in his brother's cabin (it's a long story). You can order a toe with any drink, but your lips must touch the salty flesh at least once to be considered a true Sour Toe slugger.
Pros: You get to put your dead, shriveled toes in drunk coeds' mouths, and you might be privy to an accidental act of cannibalism.
Cons: Four words: necrophiliac foot fetishists' mecca. I don't have any hard facts, I'm just sayin'.
2.) Feed your charred remains to a massive catfish (and give him the taste for human flesh).
Remember when that strange pensioner down the street used to serve his Irish setter schnapps and the dog became a dipsomaniac and it would wander into your Little League games barking listlessly and Animal Control had to put it down and everyone cried?
Folks along the Kali River in India had a similar problem, only their Irish setter hungered for human. Between 1998 and 2007, a goonch catfish was purportedly attacking villagers and cattles after dining on cremated corpses that were disposed in the river. Back to the original analogy — if you were to become goonch chow, you'd be both the schnapps AND the old man.
Pros: Man-eating catfishes are only surpassed by psychic mules on the taxonomy of scary animals.
Cons: You're bringing more horror into the world. Congratulations.
1.) Haunt a strip club.
Liquid Assets, a gentlemen's club in South Plainfield, NJ, claims to be haunted by mobster Mad Dog Vincent Coll. A&E's Ghost Story is apparently covering the club next month. Here's footage of the apparition as provided by Liquid Assets — actual ghost not guaranteed.
All in all, haunting a strip club sounds easier than attempting to summon "a busty ghost babe" (with the help of Yahoo Answers).
Pros: An eternity of free nudity.
Cons: An eternity of sexual frustration.