So apparently there's tritium leaking into one of New Jersey's main aquifers. As a proud Garden Stater, I have no choice but to hope that this environmental clusterfuck will give us fancy new phenotypes and not horrible, horrible cancer.

Even though the radioactive run-off from the Oyster Creek Nuclear Generating Station in Lacey Township, New Jersey poses no threat to the state's drinking water at this time, the fact that it's seeped into the ground isn't particularly heartening. Sure, it will be 14 to 15 years before the tritium reaches drinking water supplies (and I live well enough way from Lacey Township), but this is just one more besmirchment on the fine state that housed Tromaville in the postmodern environmentalist classic, The Toxic Avenger. The name of the offending corporation in this instance is even ripped straight out of some bargain bin scifi flick with vaguely populist undertones. Exelon Corporation? That's right up there with Roxxon Oil and Axis Chemicals. They might as well rename themselves WeSexMoms Incorporated, the cads.

In any case, Exelon is taking steps to stanch the radioactive flow (by pumping the contaminated water or flushing it away from the clean wells), but as a New Jerseyan, it's my birthright to assume everything's going tits up regardless. After all, our greatest contribution to mass culture as of late has been an MTV show that makes Road Rules Challenge look like a clone army of Marilyn vos Savants. Bruce Springsteen is basically the equivalent of Paul Bunyan around these parts, but even he went to L.A., leaving us Bon Jovi, who's the equivalent of Babe the Blue Ox. And yes, The Wrestler portrayed our state to the tee - a New Jersey winter is the bleakest spectacle this side of Prypiat, Ukraine. Our cities look like Blade Runner, only without the kanji.

So let's assume the penultimate worst - Oyster Creek goes unchecked, affects the entire state water supply, and me and my fellow citizens don't get tumors the size of baguettes - and imagine that every New Jerseyan gains fantastic abilities akin to the Toxic Avenger or, hell, at least the Coneheads (they lived in Paramus). What will these new genera of Jerseyans look like?

1.) The New York Wraiths
Location: Northern New Jersey, particularly Secaucus and the Meadowlands.
This breed of mutated New Jerseyan exists solely in a discorporate form in order to seize lost Giants fans who are declasse enough not to use a Portajohn but too discreet to piss in the Meadowlands parking lot. They are faceless creatures, unencumbered by geography yet without any real cultural identity to call their own.

2.) The Cartaret Car-Men
Location: Cartaret (a.k.a. approximately where the NJ Turnpike's chemical miasma begins to smell like old Jarlsberg).
The Cartaret Car-Men are wheeled creatures who harass out-of-state drivers for survival. They are an empathic breed that feeds on the fear of all interlopers who must pump their own gas (discounting their Oregonian brethren, natch). By driving like KITT on an ethanol bender and relying on the fetid smell of nearby chemical plants to breed flatulent paranoia in motorists, the Cartaret Car-Men need your unhappiness to survive.

3.) The Midgetville Averages
Location: Jefferson Township.
In Jefferson Township, NJ there's a series of houses that were supposedly owned by the dwarfs of the Ringling Bros. circus. They're just extremely small houses with normal people in them, but that doesn't stop rowdy teenagers from harassing the town's residents on the regular. Once the mutations kick in, the people of Midgetville will stay totally normal, and thus remain the unofficial state epicenter of ostracization.

4.) The NJ Beachcombers
Location: Wildwood, Seaside Heights, Belmar
The Beachcombers are sentient masses of all the detritus that accumulates on the Jersey Shore throughout the summer. Made primarily of used condoms, red tide, and aluminum Bud Light bottles, Beachcombers are held together by a spiderweb of pomade and a sense of ethnic pride mysteriously predicated on the assumption that Tony Montana was "a bro from the Old Country."

5.) The Camden Golem
Location:The Campbell Soup Headquarters in Camden.
When the tritium run-off hit the most dangerous city in America, it created a salty hero hellbent on swabbing the stew out of criminals. Armed with the muscle of Chunky Beef, the wisdom of Minestrone, and the munitions knowledge of Cream of Mushroom, the Camden Golem doles out its unique form of condensed justice by giving crooks botulism.