Some days Hollywood casting news just reads like drunken chimpanzees playing Mad Libs. Dane Cook confirmed that he tried out for Captain America via Twitter, and two of the Jonas Brothers are (groundlessly) rumored to be in the running.
Last week we confirmed that Scott Porter of Friday Night Lights didn't nab the role of Steve Rogers. Since then, casting news for Cap has gotten exponentially weirder, as the world's most successful jokeless stand-up artiste reported that he was in the running for the shield-slinger:
We severely doubt the Cook will score Cap, but Sweet Christmas! Can you picture a Dane Cook Avengers? Let's imagine...
[Scene: New York City. THE HULK is rampaging. CAPTAIN AMERICA and IRON MAN arrive on the scene.]
IRON MAN: Alright, Steve. Nail the Jolly Green Giant with your shield. I've got the Finnish Women's Water Polo squad waiting on my duvet and this IV drip of Bombay Sapphire is drying up tout de suite.
CAP: Hey Tony, let me tell you about the time I threw my shield. So I was at the Triskelion training with Samuel L. Fury. He said, "Throw the shield like th-i-i-i-s!" But instead I threw it like th-i-i-i-i-s! Am I right? Am I right?
IRON MAN: Steve, you're prancing around like a cornpone spastic who caught his dick in a barn door. Please throw the shield.
CAP: Right? Am I right? Fury's then like, "Throw the shield, whitey!" And I'm like, "RACE!" Y'know? Y'know? "RACE!"
IRON MAN: The Hulk just killed a fat man and stole his pants.
CAP: SHIELD! RACE! SHOCKER! CHICKS! Right? Right?
[THE HULK is totally incapacitated with laughter. NICK FURY strides in carrying a disc.]
FURY: Good job, Avengers. I've got good and better news. First off, Steve single-handedly took down the incredible, 1st-grade-reading-level Hulk. Better news: we're replacing Steve. This Shasta McNasty DVD I'm holding is the new Captain America!
In other news, Hollywire reports that Joe and Kevin Jonas have read for Cap. This is likely a load of bullpucky, but at least the Jonas gang would get Steve Rogers' 1940s moral sensibilities down pat.